I’ve Really Done it This Time

I do not know want to say much expect I am sorry. With me when a string of negative events happen I remember STOP. Stop take a breath observe proceed with caution. Of course I have more skills. They involve focusing on changing me. No one else.

in reply to @kb2014 Thanks. The walking and that thing where you do the "five senses" has proved very helpful. I really need to learn how to take care of myself, of a change. it is a process....And with the holidays, I think I am just going to stay inside with my dog's olive tree and talk to her. LOL

I am sorry you are experiencing this. In 2015 one year after my craniotomy I got involved with a church that was controlling judgemental etc. I was discussing with my husband today about me having any female friendships. Our discussion was insightful for me. We agreed " something" has happened to society where thus may be no longer realistic. I guess I am trying to say there are unsafe people . Once something unfortunate happens your vulnerabilities can place you at higher risk for other occurrences. Do you have a dog? I have 2. Anyone you can talk with via phone? Can you walk daily and safely where you live? What type of neurological or psychological issues might you have? I had to learn mine after my craniotomy. Some psychological issues were present before. Do you drive and could you go to see a Christmas display? Buy a small gift for yourself?

Family members who blame me are a red flag. I have had more than my fair share of it.

Yes, indeed. Even though my sister has a lot going on, I do believe she was being truthful about her comments about family. And for this reason, I am taking a step back from her and I will spend more time with people who treat me like a human being. My “ family “ seems stuck in the past; however, I have evolved from the past, and even though it took a lot of time and money, it was worth the sacrifice. I would rather have no family than constantly be reminded about the “ mistakes “ I may have made over 40 years ago. And that husband of hers, let’s just say that “ karma “ is real

Thank you. I’m doing a pretty good job walking 3 miles a day, trying to eat the right amount of food, but noticed I’ve lost weight, probably due to the stress of my family and the upcoming holiday. I’m still having trouble with concentration, spelling and things like that. I’ve joined the episcopal church, which has a very diverse group of people who don’t really care what I believe etc. Not like some churches that are judgmental about who does what or why. The meditation for the headaches was a huge mistake, but things are improving and I’m able to sleep at least seven hours a night without even taking the melatonin.
Because of my recent interaction with my sister, I am arranging to speak with yet another therapist after the first of the year. I would be lying if I said that I was not anxious about my health, given that I’m having a breast MRI on 12/27. Every female relative on my mother side of the family has either had breast cancer or died from it. I’ve had nine biopsies and I have been lucky enough that I don’t have cancer, and I don’t have the gene for it. Only the primary immune deficiency, for which I will be having further genetic testing in an effort to determine whether or not I am susceptible to the leukemia that killed my father the day after Christmas. Thank you for your support

Mammograms are tough. My mother died of breast cancer at 68 (I'm 70). The bloodwork is pretty easy to determine if you have MGUS or other susceptibility to blood cancers (I have MGUS). Cancer treatments are much better than the old days of a few years ago, and not knowing is still stressful. I hope that you can find ways to escape the stresses of life. I spend a lot of time with puzzles and other games because my word finding ability was damaged by a moderate TBI 31 years ago (left temporal lobe). Please give yourself a big hug for addressing your health issues, and hopefully you have a nice and stress-free Christmas.

I hope your upcoming testing goes well. I understand your comments about your family. To stop the transmission of transgenerstional trauma is very important to me. I let go of my birth family too. It has a cost but the cost is freedom. Self care was selfish whike I was raised. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. If I could find a church where I felt comfortable I would go. I made several more attempts after the church experience I mentioned. It never worked. I may try again where my husband and I live. I did try one here already but some of the members referred to adverse childhood events as " Jesus is in control". I had an issue with that.

Thank you very much. I have realized that "my family" has never and will ever accept me for who I am, even if I think I am a terrific person and friend to all. The problem with my two older sisters (yes, I was unwanted and knew this my entire life) is that they never had the fortitude to seek help to overcome the terrible abuse at the hands of our parents, even if they say today, "our parents were so ill-equipped to have children." And me, the unwanted one, my sister said, "that may have been true, but you were spoiled rotten..." Yes, I was. And sometimes I used it to my advantage as a kid, as I felt it was "payback" for all of the awful things that my parents put me through. Earlier today I went to visit my best friend, CJ who has dementia and who I will see on Christmas Day, and I fell into her arms and sobbed like a child, asking her to just hold me...and I sure felt better even if she did not understand why I was so upset. Even as I write this I am crying because I know that "my family" has always thought I was some kind of freak, even if I am kind, grateful and talented. And as far as my sister's husband, I was telling a friend over the weekend that the last time I saw my brother in law, I had this awful thought: "karma is real." He abused me, cheated on his wife right in front of her and his family. I had to tell my mother when I was 12 that my brother in law was doing things to me that scared me, and thank God she listened to me. Of course, my sister has no memory of this either because of her denial system or her own memory issues. I have a memory like an elephant, which I attribute to the kind of work I did all my life: insurance litigation fact finder. I can't help myself and sometimes I wish I did not have such a good memory, but such is life. And as far as my other sister disowning me 5 years ago, I feel like it is her loss and not mine. My oldest sister, who practically raised me, may be angry and grief stricken about her demented husband, but I have done nothing but help her, encourage her, not judge her for waiting as long as she did to place in him memory care. Even when I was at her house, every time I left she would say, "do not talk to anyone..." Guess what, I talked to everyone and anyone because that is the kind of community she lives in.."people are really nice." If her kids want her to move, fine. But I have already made up my mind not to provide her with anymore help, at least not for a very long time. Case in point: she comes to town on Mondays to volunteer at the Assistance League, a national organization that has great resale shops, and is nearby. She always calls me to let me know she is coming, but today she did not. I found this very telling, in light of the fact that she said she was going to drop off some things that I had left at her house. For now, life is going to be all about "Frances," and those who are kind and generous to me, support me. I rarely complain or ask for help. Even when I had an infusion at her house last week, she hid in her bedroom because "she cannot handle it.." What, an infusion needle in my arm that is providing me with medication that makes me feel like a racehorse? Twisted and weird. I am not curled up in a ball feeling sorry for myself, and I can tell you that I know many who share my disease who are immobilized, and I understand. It was not easy in the beginning of my treatment, but I remain grateful for the life it has given me, which means I can help others, educate others about immune deficiency etc. In fact, on one of my walks at my sister's house I ran into a woman whose husband who had had a lung transplant a year ago, is getting the same IVIG that I am getting, and after talking to her I told her about the immune deficiency foundation and how they could help her and her husband with any medical questions, support groups and things of that nature. So yeah, I talk a lot. I do know that the recent head injury has been difficult for me, as I am going to bed at 0300 each "night." all of which is attributed to the dexamethadose that was given to me for headaches. Even though the drug is out of my system, my doctor has advised that the drug can change one's brain chemistry and that is why I feel like a "wind up toy" most of the time. This will pass. A friend suggested audio books and movies I like in an effort to avoid the computer, and I am working on this, sometimes closing my eyes when I watch movies because the eye pain is "over the top." I remain hopeful that the laser treatment for the glaucoma will help....I am told it can "hurt for a while, " and even though the doctor's office is near my sister's, I am not going to stay with her again for a very long time, if ever again. I have been handing out passes to my sisters for years, and I think it would be okay to stop, especially since she reminded me that it is my fault I have no family. I think it is the other way around, if that makes sense. I am smart, kind, selfless and have always done what she asked of me. Not any more, and I think she has realized that by lashing out at me as she did, was a huge mistake. And while this may sound juvenile, my brain got the best of me when I sent her an email earlier wishing her a nice holiday "with her family." Happy winter solstice to all of you. Tomorrow I am going to church for the early service which is for the kids and I think I will have "fun."

@frances007 - I'm so sorry to hear about all the hurts related to your family members. You are wise to keep telling yourself positive truths about yourself despite anything others say.

You mentioned closing your eyes while watching movies to avoid eye pain and trying to avoid using the computer. I remember doing similar things after a concussion from falling on the ice during a winter walk about 10 years ago and hitting my head. I remember trying to avoid using the computer or watching much TV or movies, due to the eye pain you mentioned. I used an eye mask while "watching" the TV, which I found was a nice way to keep from accidentally looking and stirring up symptoms. I was basically using the TV like a radio. I also remember it was hard to keep away from the computer, as accustomed as I was to using it for work and personally.

I regularly listen to podcasts now, which is similar to listening to audiobooks, but with short episodes. I really enjoy filling in some "dead" time with listening to them, like when putting on makeup or making dinner. Have you tried podcasts or the audiobooks your friend recommended you try? If so, how did you like it?