How to move on with my life

Hi everyone.

I've posted many times on this website and I've been grateful for all the support I've received. I'm posting here as my final issue because I am in a rock bottom with my own physical and mental health.

I live at home with my 75-year-old father who had an ischemic stroke in January 2023. During his hospital stay, he developed delirium. Now that he's home, he's still very confused about understanding simple things and also confused with what he does. He has some new incontinence issues and refuses to bathe which is both embarrassing and frustrating. He has no other family than me and only 1 friend who isn't much of a friend either.

I feel like he cannot be left alone or I get so worried that I become sick to my stomach. I cannot leave the house for two hours to go grocery shopping without feeling like I need to rush back home. Even if I am super quick, I come back home to an angry and confused father who thought I abandoned him and did not inform him of where I was going, even though I always do inform him. I cannot leave him a note either because the stroke caused vision loss in one eye and really poor vision in the other eye.

I feel terrible and guilty for saying that I am entirely uncomfortable around him. I get very shaky and nervous when I hear him walking around because I don't know what he's doing. I get nervous when he approaches me because he usually makes comments or asks questions that don't make sense and I don't know how to respond to him. All he does nowadays is watch tv all day long and he also forgot how to use the remote control. Our TV provider has a law that forces the TV to go into standby mode if no activity was detected for 4 hours. My father does not know how to avoid that, nor does he know how to bring the TV back once it goes on standby, so I set an alarm for every 4 hours of the day AND night to use the app on my phone to reset the TV for him. Needless to say, I'm exhausted now.

I worry that if I ever need to go out for more than 4 hours and he's left without a TV, he will get bored and start doing something else. Not knowing what that "something else" could be makes me very nervous.

My father has poor health. Other than his recent ischemic stroke, he also had two heart attacks in the past, has coronary artery disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, chronic kidney disease, hypertension, ischemic cardiomyopathy, peripheral vascular disease, dyslipidemia, has smoked 2+ packs of cigarettes every day for more than 60 years and only quit smoking since his stroke (because I forced him to do so by refusing to buy cigarettes for him).

He is extremely prideful and independent. Unfortunately, getting outside community help (in-home care, nurses, PSWs, etc.) is not an option right now because he would probably disown me. I cannot find the strength to go against his wish regarding that. He wants to be left alone, basically. He wants little to no help from me, and especially not from strangers.

My mental health has been awful. I've cried more in the last 2 months than I have in my entire life. I have never been so tense, scared and anxious. I cannot sleep properly, not only because I wake up every 4 hours, but because I'm too stressed to have a deep sleep. I've lost my appetite but I force myself to eat which makes me feel nauseous and disgusting in the end. I've cancelled plans with my best friend often recently, which I never do, only because I don't have an interest to be around others anymore. I'm currently a college student, so you can imagine how difficult it is to concentrate on my work.

I'm absolutely depressed and I cannot figure out how to move on with my life without feeling worried and guilty about my father. I don't know if he's got dementia now or is heading that way, but there are definitely symptoms and Alzheimer's runs in his side of the family anyway.

I was always a very happy and optimistic person. I was happy everyday no matter what was going on in my life. It takes a whole lot to bring my spirits down and now, to my surprise, I've lost that happiness.

I know everyone will comment and tell me that I need to think of myself (agreed) and to get outside help if I need to. I know I would feel bad if that was forced on my father and he would be upset with me. I've always wanted to please him and avoid making him unhappy because I used to be a daddy's girl. Now he's a different man and I only feel uncomfortable and scared when I'm around him, so I avoid him, unfortunately.

Any advice or support would be appreciated. They say stroke recovery is a long journey. They don't really say it's a long journey for caregivers too.