Unfortunately I've had to go through all of this with my own mother. I am determined to do all I can with my mother in law unfortunately it seems a hassle for others and their time. I lost my mother at 16 and would give anything to have her in her 80's. She is a Christian she has her ways and we will respect them 100% and make her as comfortable as possible. Things will be even more challenging she also has a phobia she can not be alone has had it for years. I'm with her from morning until 10-12 at night and my son lives in the house with her (we live behind her) her daughter and cpl grand daughters stay the weekend a few hours of the day, I can't imagine if she had to be put in a facility. Hospice will have some challenges dealing with her daughter and granddaughter especially when it comes to medication of making her comfortable. I know I'm all over the place with all this. Its the fear of not knowing what's to come.
Unfortunately I've had to go through all of this with my own mother. I am determined to do all I can with my mother in law unfortunately it seems a hassle for others and their time. I lost my mother at 16 and would give anything to have her in her 80's. She is a Christian she has her ways and we will respect them 100% and make her as comfortable as possible. Things will be even more challenging she also has a phobia she can not be alone has had it for years. I'm with her from morning until 10-12 at night and my son lives in the house with her (we live behind her) her daughter and cpl grand daughters stay the weekend a few hours of the day, I can't imagine if she had to be put in a facility. Hospice will have some challenges dealing with her daughter and granddaughter especially when it comes to medication of making her comfortable. I know I'm all over the place with all this. Its the fear of not knowing what's to come.
Oh my goodness, you are the sweetest person taking on responsibility of caring for your mother-in-law. It becomes a labor of love and not everyone is cut out to be so dedicated and loving. 💖
When it comes time for hospice, there’s an initial consultation and talks with the family. Everyone needs to be onboard and respect the decisions that your MIL wants for her care. So I hope her daughter and granddaughters will try to understand if or when it comes necessary for Hospice to be set up…either at home or a nursing facility.
My mother had made me promise to never put her in a nursing home. I think she was reflecting on when her mom was in a home in the 1960s. It was abysmal and scared it would happen to her. When mom was 88 she developed inoperable renal cancer and I took care of her in our home for months. Took a leave of absence from work to do this. But her health declined to where she was using a walker and a huge fall risk! I wasn’t physically able to move or lift her anymore. So the inevitable happened. But we found a really nice place and for a few months she was actually felt happy and safe so I didn’t need to be there 24/7. However, when it was clear that she was in rapid decline, I spent about 20+hours a day (and slept) at the nursing home with her, running back to my house to grab a shower and leave notes for my husband and daughter. So I was there when she passed away early in the morning…a week before Christmas. While it was very hard on all of us to be gone so much, I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything. It’s a gift we can give our loved ones.
So thank you for being such a loving daughter in law and I hope the rest of her family will be as understanding and caring. I know this will be a challenging holiday time for you and your family. But do the best you can to create some memories together.
Will you please keep in touch?
emmiet
I did something like you. I took 2 years of gerontology classes, wanting to understand the aging process and how i might help my mom. I was one of five and dare i say, not my mom's favorite out of the three girls. I was though there visiting often whether she preferred another sibling. At her passing, we realized our younger brother was mom's executor of the estate.
My Mom never put in writing she wanted to be cremated. I had many conversations with her on many visits about the death and dying class i took. Our spiritual beliefs and the "ever after" once we passed. I am not sure any of the siblings spoke with her on this topic. Once my mom hit the end, where she could no longer take care of herself, she slid into hospice care after two rehab homes she went to with no progress. My brother thought she would recover once home. My gerontology classes showed Mom was winding down and her body and mind were closing down. Nothing i said affected what my siblings thought or felt. My Mom never wanted to be living in a bed and taken care of as she told me visiting her childhood friend who lived in the Motion picture home for seniors. Mom said never. But it is what happened.
She did though have a niece who lived with her become the in-house caregiver for the rest of her lie. Three of the siblings also helped. In the end my mom lived the life she wanted and the choices she made put her in a medical crisis and a road she never wanted.
msmac1- Bless you for staying in the circle and listening. I love how emmiet said it. "Comfortable or treatment"
Oh my goodness, you are the sweetest person taking on responsibility of caring for your mother-in-law. It becomes a labor of love and not everyone is cut out to be so dedicated and loving. 💖
When it comes time for hospice, there’s an initial consultation and talks with the family. Everyone needs to be onboard and respect the decisions that your MIL wants for her care. So I hope her daughter and granddaughters will try to understand if or when it comes necessary for Hospice to be set up…either at home or a nursing facility.
My mother had made me promise to never put her in a nursing home. I think she was reflecting on when her mom was in a home in the 1960s. It was abysmal and scared it would happen to her. When mom was 88 she developed inoperable renal cancer and I took care of her in our home for months. Took a leave of absence from work to do this. But her health declined to where she was using a walker and a huge fall risk! I wasn’t physically able to move or lift her anymore. So the inevitable happened. But we found a really nice place and for a few months she was actually felt happy and safe so I didn’t need to be there 24/7. However, when it was clear that she was in rapid decline, I spent about 20+hours a day (and slept) at the nursing home with her, running back to my house to grab a shower and leave notes for my husband and daughter. So I was there when she passed away early in the morning…a week before Christmas. While it was very hard on all of us to be gone so much, I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything. It’s a gift we can give our loved ones.
So thank you for being such a loving daughter in law and I hope the rest of her family will be as understanding and caring. I know this will be a challenging holiday time for you and your family. But do the best you can to create some memories together.
Will you please keep in touch?
I absolutely will. And thank you so much for talking to me. There is so much going on with all this and it does get overwhelming but I will do everything I can for her. I have had her in my life longer than I had my own mom. She has always been there for us ( her son and our son &myself) and jus me alone I've learned from her throughout these past 22 years. I am here for all of them she of course is my main concern. Challenging days to come and alot of prayers. Thank you again
I don't even know how to start. She has gotten really bad over the past few days. Shes getting weaker and still can't eat or drink very much at all. They are on the fence about hospice my husband mainly he doesn't want to not try to get her some relief and take her to the DR or ER. We do not know where the cancer has spread to because she has refused the CT scan at her oncologist, her primary scheduled her for one to know what is goin on so he knows how to make her comfortable and what he can do. She didn't make the appt she was too weak. She's gagging and throwing up phlegm thick phlegm she doesn't eat enough to throw anything else up. They want to respect her wishes but nobody wants to ask her what exactly that is. I will not ask it's not my place to do that it's her children who should. I don't understand that. Hospice has now come to the front of conversation and yet they can't decide. I give my opinion but at the end of the day it's not up to me! VERY BAD DAY
I don't even know how to start. She has gotten really bad over the past few days. Shes getting weaker and still can't eat or drink very much at all. They are on the fence about hospice my husband mainly he doesn't want to not try to get her some relief and take her to the DR or ER. We do not know where the cancer has spread to because she has refused the CT scan at her oncologist, her primary scheduled her for one to know what is goin on so he knows how to make her comfortable and what he can do. She didn't make the appt she was too weak. She's gagging and throwing up phlegm thick phlegm she doesn't eat enough to throw anything else up. They want to respect her wishes but nobody wants to ask her what exactly that is. I will not ask it's not my place to do that it's her children who should. I don't understand that. Hospice has now come to the front of conversation and yet they can't decide. I give my opinion but at the end of the day it's not up to me! VERY BAD DAY
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry I missed this post yesterday about the very bad day!
You’re between a rock and a hard place at this juncture.
It sounds like your mother in law may be ending up in the ER at some point soon, simply because she’s getting so frail, her symptoms are escalating and she may have some type of event at home that will demand immediate attention.
Her family is in the same state of denial about their mother, as mom is herself. Sadly, they’re going to pussyfoot around the issue of ‘mom’s final wishes’ until they run out of time.
It’s a very sad situation and a shame that you’re caught up in this as the only reasonable person who has the best interest of your mother-in-law at heart.
I would hope you can have a sit down, heart to heart with your husband and rest of the family. But you’re right, it is not up to you. You’ve done a really special and wonderful labor of love giving your mother in law such tender care and attention. Can you quietly talk to her about her last wishes and to write things down without the other family members around? Or record a conversation on your phone so that you can provide it later?
I hope today was better for all of you and that there is some consensus with the family to get their mom the care she needs.
Wish I were able to reach through the computer to give you a deep hug…you could use one.
I don't even know how to start. She has gotten really bad over the past few days. Shes getting weaker and still can't eat or drink very much at all. They are on the fence about hospice my husband mainly he doesn't want to not try to get her some relief and take her to the DR or ER. We do not know where the cancer has spread to because she has refused the CT scan at her oncologist, her primary scheduled her for one to know what is goin on so he knows how to make her comfortable and what he can do. She didn't make the appt she was too weak. She's gagging and throwing up phlegm thick phlegm she doesn't eat enough to throw anything else up. They want to respect her wishes but nobody wants to ask her what exactly that is. I will not ask it's not my place to do that it's her children who should. I don't understand that. Hospice has now come to the front of conversation and yet they can't decide. I give my opinion but at the end of the day it's not up to me! VERY BAD DAY
Hello, @msmac1 You’ve been on my mind so much the past few days and just wanted to check in to see how your mother-in-law is doing. I hope she and the rest of her children have finally acquiesced to allow hospice to take care of her and that she’s more comfortable now. Holding you in my thoughts with a gentle hug.
Hello, @msmac1 You’ve been on my mind so much the past few days and just wanted to check in to see how your mother-in-law is doing. I hope she and the rest of her children have finally acquiesced to allow hospice to take care of her and that she’s more comfortable now. Holding you in my thoughts with a gentle hug.
Thank you for reaching out. Yes we have called in hospice and they have been a huge comfort for us all. My MIL has declined more she no longer is able to walk and does t get out of bed she has lost her voice to only a whisper. She's still feisty bless her but she is unsatisfiable at this point. She's not sleeping her anxiety is really bad. I have talked the family into giving her some med that hospice has brought for her for her to get some rest. It helped she went from ringing her bell literally every 10-15 min all day and all night to every 2-3 hours. We are getting to the point a conversation is goin to have to be had about her wishes mainly rather she wants a DNR. Once that conversation is had with her I believe the realization of it all will start other needed conversations. Having you reach out is a special thing for me right now and I truly thank you. Hope you and your family had happy holidays and a new year to come
Thank you for reaching out. Yes we have called in hospice and they have been a huge comfort for us all. My MIL has declined more she no longer is able to walk and does t get out of bed she has lost her voice to only a whisper. She's still feisty bless her but she is unsatisfiable at this point. She's not sleeping her anxiety is really bad. I have talked the family into giving her some med that hospice has brought for her for her to get some rest. It helped she went from ringing her bell literally every 10-15 min all day and all night to every 2-3 hours. We are getting to the point a conversation is goin to have to be had about her wishes mainly rather she wants a DNR. Once that conversation is had with her I believe the realization of it all will start other needed conversations. Having you reach out is a special thing for me right now and I truly thank you. Hope you and your family had happy holidays and a new year to come
My heart goes out to you and your family as your mother-in-law is now in hospice. I know it was a really difficult discussion and that there was some resistance to the idea. But this was absolutely the right decision for your mother in law.
She is so fortunate to have you as her voice of reason and compassion. I hope the rest of her family begins to accept, as you have, that their mom is in her final days. Now is the time for them to have those important conversations with mom.
I hope you also know that you’ve been an amazing treasure to your mother-in-law and can look back on your life together with her fondly, knowing you did everything you could to love and support her and to keep her comfortable.
Peace with you and your family.
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Unfortunately I've had to go through all of this with my own mother. I am determined to do all I can with my mother in law unfortunately it seems a hassle for others and their time. I lost my mother at 16 and would give anything to have her in her 80's. She is a Christian she has her ways and we will respect them 100% and make her as comfortable as possible. Things will be even more challenging she also has a phobia she can not be alone has had it for years. I'm with her from morning until 10-12 at night and my son lives in the house with her (we live behind her) her daughter and cpl grand daughters stay the weekend a few hours of the day, I can't imagine if she had to be put in a facility. Hospice will have some challenges dealing with her daughter and granddaughter especially when it comes to medication of making her comfortable. I know I'm all over the place with all this. Its the fear of not knowing what's to come.
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3 ReactionsComfort or treatment perfect way of explaining options.
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1 ReactionOh my goodness, you are the sweetest person taking on responsibility of caring for your mother-in-law. It becomes a labor of love and not everyone is cut out to be so dedicated and loving. 💖
When it comes time for hospice, there’s an initial consultation and talks with the family. Everyone needs to be onboard and respect the decisions that your MIL wants for her care. So I hope her daughter and granddaughters will try to understand if or when it comes necessary for Hospice to be set up…either at home or a nursing facility.
My mother had made me promise to never put her in a nursing home. I think she was reflecting on when her mom was in a home in the 1960s. It was abysmal and scared it would happen to her. When mom was 88 she developed inoperable renal cancer and I took care of her in our home for months. Took a leave of absence from work to do this. But her health declined to where she was using a walker and a huge fall risk! I wasn’t physically able to move or lift her anymore. So the inevitable happened. But we found a really nice place and for a few months she was actually felt happy and safe so I didn’t need to be there 24/7. However, when it was clear that she was in rapid decline, I spent about 20+hours a day (and slept) at the nursing home with her, running back to my house to grab a shower and leave notes for my husband and daughter. So I was there when she passed away early in the morning…a week before Christmas. While it was very hard on all of us to be gone so much, I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything. It’s a gift we can give our loved ones.
So thank you for being such a loving daughter in law and I hope the rest of her family will be as understanding and caring. I know this will be a challenging holiday time for you and your family. But do the best you can to create some memories together.
Will you please keep in touch?
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4 Reactions@katgob Thanks for sharing your story. I wasn't my mom's favorite either, but I did seem to have more sway with her in important matters.😅
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2 ReactionsI absolutely will. And thank you so much for talking to me. There is so much going on with all this and it does get overwhelming but I will do everything I can for her. I have had her in my life longer than I had my own mom. She has always been there for us ( her son and our son &myself) and jus me alone I've learned from her throughout these past 22 years. I am here for all of them she of course is my main concern. Challenging days to come and alot of prayers. Thank you again
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4 ReactionsI don't even know how to start. She has gotten really bad over the past few days. Shes getting weaker and still can't eat or drink very much at all. They are on the fence about hospice my husband mainly he doesn't want to not try to get her some relief and take her to the DR or ER. We do not know where the cancer has spread to because she has refused the CT scan at her oncologist, her primary scheduled her for one to know what is goin on so he knows how to make her comfortable and what he can do. She didn't make the appt she was too weak. She's gagging and throwing up phlegm thick phlegm she doesn't eat enough to throw anything else up. They want to respect her wishes but nobody wants to ask her what exactly that is. I will not ask it's not my place to do that it's her children who should. I don't understand that. Hospice has now come to the front of conversation and yet they can't decide. I give my opinion but at the end of the day it's not up to me! VERY BAD DAY
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5 ReactionsOh my goodness, I’m so sorry I missed this post yesterday about the very bad day!
You’re between a rock and a hard place at this juncture.
It sounds like your mother in law may be ending up in the ER at some point soon, simply because she’s getting so frail, her symptoms are escalating and she may have some type of event at home that will demand immediate attention.
Her family is in the same state of denial about their mother, as mom is herself. Sadly, they’re going to pussyfoot around the issue of ‘mom’s final wishes’ until they run out of time.
It’s a very sad situation and a shame that you’re caught up in this as the only reasonable person who has the best interest of your mother-in-law at heart.
I would hope you can have a sit down, heart to heart with your husband and rest of the family. But you’re right, it is not up to you. You’ve done a really special and wonderful labor of love giving your mother in law such tender care and attention. Can you quietly talk to her about her last wishes and to write things down without the other family members around? Or record a conversation on your phone so that you can provide it later?
I hope today was better for all of you and that there is some consensus with the family to get their mom the care she needs.
Wish I were able to reach through the computer to give you a deep hug…you could use one.
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3 ReactionsHello, @msmac1 You’ve been on my mind so much the past few days and just wanted to check in to see how your mother-in-law is doing. I hope she and the rest of her children have finally acquiesced to allow hospice to take care of her and that she’s more comfortable now. Holding you in my thoughts with a gentle hug.
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4 ReactionsThank you for reaching out. Yes we have called in hospice and they have been a huge comfort for us all. My MIL has declined more she no longer is able to walk and does t get out of bed she has lost her voice to only a whisper. She's still feisty bless her but she is unsatisfiable at this point. She's not sleeping her anxiety is really bad. I have talked the family into giving her some med that hospice has brought for her for her to get some rest. It helped she went from ringing her bell literally every 10-15 min all day and all night to every 2-3 hours. We are getting to the point a conversation is goin to have to be had about her wishes mainly rather she wants a DNR. Once that conversation is had with her I believe the realization of it all will start other needed conversations. Having you reach out is a special thing for me right now and I truly thank you. Hope you and your family had happy holidays and a new year to come
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Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsMy heart goes out to you and your family as your mother-in-law is now in hospice. I know it was a really difficult discussion and that there was some resistance to the idea. But this was absolutely the right decision for your mother in law.
She is so fortunate to have you as her voice of reason and compassion. I hope the rest of her family begins to accept, as you have, that their mom is in her final days. Now is the time for them to have those important conversations with mom.
I hope you also know that you’ve been an amazing treasure to your mother-in-law and can look back on your life together with her fondly, knowing you did everything you could to love and support her and to keep her comfortable.
Peace with you and your family.
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