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What it is like to be on psychiatric medication (trigger warning)
Silence
;
There is darkness all around me
I can see the light formed in a sliver high above me.
It is hard to be aware of anything except suffering.
My bones have all been shattered, all but my skull, leaving my brain intact.
I am exquisitely aware of the agony of all my senses.
I know I am dying.
I am losing all desire to continue; death remains elusive.
I know I am in an earthen pit; I do not know how deep.
I have tried to scale the walls with my broken body.
They crumble in my hands.
I can feel the bones of my ancestors underneath me extending in time to hell.
I cannot scream for help. My broken ribs have punctured my lungs.
The dirt begins to fall from the beast shoveling above me.
The pain is my reality.
My higher functions are shutting down, leaving primitive fear that cannot be reasoned with.
Please, please, please, please, please, shovel faster, bury me alive.
The dirt rains down on me, torrential rain in slow motion.
Faster, please.
The reptile at the base of my brain, terrified, continues to fight for life despite my pleas to let me die.
The following shovel lands on my face. My ruptured lungs struggle to breathe, drawing dirt into my mouth.
I can taste and smell the decay.
Please, God, let me die; please stop the horror.
Silence.
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@dfb please get help asap. You can go to an ER or call a hotline. I feel very concerned for you.
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1 Reaction@dfb Your poem is very dark and your last two lines indicate that you wish to die. What feedback and support would you like here on Mayo Clinic Connect?
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or have plans for suicide please go to your local emergency department at a hospital or call the National Hotline at 988.
-- https://988lifeline.org/
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2 Reactions@dfb, I've added (trigger warning) to the title of your discussion. You are an incredible writer and as I read through the discussions, stories and poems your shared, I know that writing is cathartic for you as you manage the peaks and valleys of your mental well being. I know this and added the trigger warning so fellow members know this too.
@naturegirl5, thank you for posting the National Hotline. Anyone in need of talking to someone call call or text 988 any time of day or night.
@dfb, as you peer over the precipice that today has brought, I encourage you to re-read some of your past posts https://connect.mayoclinic.org/member/00-83eb81f7596889a2344565/ and rediscover your strength. I also remind you of your mission here on Mayo Clinic Connect as you yourself have expressed it "My goal is to be a positive force in the lives of as may people as I can..."
You write, "The pain is my reality." What is the reality today? How are you managing your reality today? I'm here. I'm listening.
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4 ReactionsThank you for your concern.
As always, the members of this border of terrifically supportive, but it’s my turn to be supportive.
I am no longer taking any psychiatric medications and haven’t for sometime now.
I am the best version of myself I have ever been.
This is a poem I wrote the deepest despair.
I sent it to McLean Hospital and they’re publishing it and I’m hoping Mayo will do the same.
This is the reality of psychiatric medication’s.
They’ve been developed by an industry that generates massive profits at the expense of human suffering.
And I intend to do what I can to stop it.
I am better than I have any right to be and I’m gonna tell my story everywhere.
They should’ve killed me when they had the chance.
We will all live in peace and good health soon.
David
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1 ReactionI am so glad your doing better, when read post this morning I was very concerned about you.
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2 ReactionsThank you so much for your wonderful concern.
It’s the pharmaceutical company who should be concerned now.
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1 ReactionThanks for explaining that this is not your current state of mind, David. You had members very worried, myself included.
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3 ReactionsI’m sorry to have alarmed everyone that was not my intention.
I hope Mayo Clinic will publish it.
My intention is to raise awareness globally, and I’ve begun doing that and I’m sorry if I alarmed anyone.
No one should attempt to titrate their medication without speaking with their physicians. It can be very dangerous.
Good mental health begins with good metabolic health.
In fact good mental health begins by calling it what it is, good Brain health.
The pharmaceutical companies have milked profits from the suffering of human beings for decades.
I escaped hell while Hades back was turned and is my intention to show everyone the way out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for your support. I hope to pay that forward..
David
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4 ReactionsDavid,
It is likely not big pharma but the doctor who prescribed the wrong medication for you. I've been on psych meds for 30 years - all prescribed by a sharp, knowledgeable shrink - and they saved my life. I feel the good the meds are working in my mind and body.
This is not to say that big pharma is terrific, but the medical practitioner dispensing your poison needs to take some responsibility. And you can always change docors!
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1 ReactionDear David @dfb
My brain doesn’t work enough of reading, understanding, or talking back so your writing is WOW to me. You must be a pro-writer. I had to read and then read again, parts of this, to sorta understanding.
You have written with other Mayo people. I’m so glad to you to do more helping all of us even your meds & pains happens to many of us. I think, of what you said, meds kill the fevers inside us.
My meds take care to stop a seizure cause I had an accident 12 years ago - I hate these meds for the rest of my life BUT I pray every day that I Believe Christ this end of my human—life will move to a new way to Him. I don’t really “hate’ my human-life and thankfully, my family, church bothers & sisters and others are great.
Thx,
Greg D. @greg56xx