why do i want friends but dont want to spend time with them.

Good afternoon, Barb

You have said this so beautifully! Among your many observations, one struck me really hard: “Maybe they are looking for a caring friend themselves, or would love to be welcomed into a conversation where they can share something of themselves, and all they ask of me is that I listen.”

When I was in high school, more than a half-century ago, I shunned a boy named Thomas, who, for a reason I couldn’t explain, seemed to have chosen me as the one boy he wanted for a friend. He and I were in an all-boys class, studying the fundamentals of drafting, a precursor to becoming architects (a pursuit I eventually gave up). We were a bunch of rugged ‘dudes,’ patched jeans and off-color jokes. Thomas was the one exception. Not only did his mother dress him fashionably, Thomas was decidedly effeminate, the brunt of endless teasing. The more Thomas tried to be my friend, the more I avoided him. Eventually, we all graduated, and that was the last I saw of Thomas –– 62 years ago!

Forget the passage of time –– I have never been able to shake the memory of how awfully I treated him. Only last year, our high school alumni association forwarded a roster of the current whereabouts of our graduating class to anyone interested. Thomas’s address was on the roster. I wrote, surprising him, and a few weeks later, he replied, surprising me. That began a correspondence, first by paper letters, then by once-a-month phone calls. Our conversations were the typical: ‘I wondered what happened to so-and-so,’ ‘I hear so-and-so has done very well for himself.’ I swore one day I’d find the gumption to apologize for how shoddily I’d treated Thomas when we were in high school, but letter after letter, call after call, I’d pass up my chance …

… until one day, I received a phone call: ‘Hello. My name is Catherine. I am sorry to have to give you bad news, but my Uncle Thomas died last Tuesday.’

I had missed my chance to apologize. That’s why your saying, “Maybe they were only looking for a caring friend … ” hit me so hard.

Thanks again, Barb, for your beautiful post!

Best wishes,
Ray (@ray666)

@ray666
Oh, Ray...I am so sorry that you have lost a friend but it sounds like you didn't lose a friendship. My guess is that he sensed your regret and that is why he responded to your letter and it blossomed into regular phone calls. He was happy to know you did care. You just needed to grow up a bit! He clearly forgave you. That was his parting gift to you.
Now comes the hard work - forgiving yourself. I think if this were happening to another friend of yours, you would be encouraging them to do the same, and wanting them to let go of the guilt and the burden of a long-past mistake.
As a friend who knows you - even from afar -well enough to know you treat us strangers with kindness and dignity, I'm asking you to let go of that burden and treat yourself with mercy.
I'll toast to that: Cheers!
Barb

Grace, maybe you and your friends would enjoy some good, comfortable conversations on the phone?

Grace, maybe you and your friends would enjoy some good, comfortable conversations on the phone?

Hi Grace,
I'm sorry that you are having these concerns. I understand something of what you feel. I am 78 and my husband died recently. I, too am lonely but apprehensive about visiting people when invited. I do find reasons why I can't visit. I'm suffering from incontinence so that makes a good excuse. I've been invited for Thanksgiving and have said no. However, this person who invited me has given me flowers when she heard my husband died and also tea from Japan on her vacation. Plus the other day she was grocery shopping and brought me two oranges! I don't feel that I can refuse her invitation without offending her. So, I am going to accept even though I feel a little nervous about it. Perhaps that is what we have to do. I will just pray about it and it will turn out fine.

You mentioned that you feel like you have nothing to offer because you are old. But you have a lot to offer because you lived in a time that many people didn't. They don't know what life was like in the days that you lived and you can share that with them; much better than a history book! I had a friend who lived in New York City in the early 1900's when horses were the common method of transportation and cars were rare; at least for the average working person. She was a wealth of information about those days! I learned so much from her!
I wish you the best! I will say a prayer for you.
PML

@pml
What a delightful, empathetic, insightful and lovely response! Inspiring.

I care for my 93 year old father, who four years ago made his home with us after my mother died. Without going into too much about that here, I just wanted you to know that your response here was so touching and honest. And so true! I keep telling him his worth doesn’t have to be tied to what he can no longer “do”……he is fascinating and has so much to offer from his experiences and perspective!

HELLO Grrranny! Your suggestion hit right on the head for me.
Normally I do not like to text a lot, especially for holiday and birthday wishes etc.
But I have had a great group of mostly women who are all artist painters for the last 20 years. We get together once a week to paint together. It has, without realizing it, turned into a sort of support group. Most of us are 70 to almost 90 now.
We lost quite a few along the way, but we seem to be getting closer and closer now. Many times several of us have said we didn’t want to get up and go to painting group. But when we get there we are okay and enjoy it.
That scenario seems to repeat every week now. Sometimes one will not show up and we now have started texting and emailing to see if all is ok and continue to have a positive fun chat.
I have also now just plain started texting for any old fun reason, just to share something with one or all or whomever I chose to communicate with.
This allows us to actually be able to finish a conversation one on one.
I feel so happy, and feel like kids texting back and forth kidding and teasing.
So thank you for your SIMPLE suggestion to sort of visit and talk to other people. This is why I love this sight🥰 kathymj