How long for the dread/guilt/total disbelief to dull a tiny bit?

Hello @dycana,

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Grief coupled with regrets make it so much more difficult to find peace in the midst of loss.

I would, however, encourage you to follow the suggestion of @lbrockme and try counseling again. You have said that counseling "hurts too much to talk about." I'd like to suggest something that might make the talking a bit easier.

I would encourage you to get a spiral notebook (or other journal) and write something every day about your own experiences growing up as well as your son's. Often, it is easier to write about rough emotional experiences than it is to talk about them out loud. Once you have a number of pages of thoughts and feelings written down, then go back to the counselor you were seeing and instead of talking about your son and your feelings, just read what you have written.

Consider this option for using counseling as a support. You need to allow yourself as much support as possible right now and professional counseling might be the best for you as you work through these feelings.

Can you give this a try?

What an awesome idea. I will definitely try that. Thank you for caring. Blessings to you.

Believe me when I say that he knows exactly everything that you were wanting to do, or say or for him to know. Please know he is absolutely 100% at peace and he will always be with you.

I have empathy for you. I also loss my wife and struggled with her loss. The good news is I have moved from grief to joy. I’m grateful for the 49 years we had together. My suggestion to you is look for someone or a group to help you with your new journey in life. I took a grief-share course and it helped. Blessings to you.

@missyluna, you're so right that everyone is different. And while we are all different, we yearn and learn from the experiences of others. Thank you for sharing yours.

I wish that I could say grief was straightforward or linear. The stages of grief are very real, but they are more like Chutes and Ladders than a nice linear progression. My fiance died 2 1/2 years ago. I am living a relatively calm and happy life now, but the pain of losing him will always be there. Some days it hits like a ton of bricks, but mostly I just feel contentment to have had him in my life as long as I did.

The biggest takeaway I have for you is to be patient with yourself and your grief. We all grieve differently, we all grieve in different timeframes. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't grieving appropriately, you are the only one who can decide that. I cannot stress therapy or support groups enough. There are very real trauma responses when we lose someone, and I had to have someone objective help me work through them.

If Christmas was an important holiday for the two of you, make this Christmas extra special. Surround yourself with the people in your life who, when they leave, they leave you feeling good about yourself. Go big, feel all the feelings, good and bad. It's ok to have them both.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly. I wish there was a formula for all of this.

My husband has been gone for three years. We had a long marriage (59 years) and were together for 3 years before we married, for a total of 62 years. That is a whole lifetime. Now I am 90 years old and without him. I can't tell if my grief is abated or not. Some days are good and other days are awful. Some days my heart is full of love for all we had and other days my heart is full of hate because he left me. I have had grief counselling. At my age there is really nothing to look forward to and I am just waiting to die.

@rachelsmith1, I appreciate the visual of Chutes & Ladders. I find it helps to visualize feelings. The thought of grief diminishing with time is a myth in my opinion, but life grows around it. I find the visual attached helps to illustrate this idea (not mine). It helped me understand and accept that grief can allow life and even make room for joy again.

@hopeful33250, in fact started a discussion with that in the title quite some time ago and continues to be discussed:
- Can Joy and Grief Live Together?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/can-joy-and-grief-live-together/
I'm sorry for the loss of your fiancé. I can hardly imagine loss just at the point of starting a new chapter. How did/do you make the holidays special to allow grief and joy to co-exist?

The holiday season is coming, and it will back feelings and emotions. Be prepared and ready to adjust your schedule to avoid emotional stress.
This will be my third holiday season since the loss of my wife. My feelings of loss and grief are easily felt; therefore, I try to avoid some of the triggers. Good luck and have a peaceful holiday season.

Even after the loss of a baby- brother - mom and dad - doesn’t matter how old anyone is- we never get over it! We work through it a still our calendars marked with a cross. I believe in the afterlife- I see signs- so after having some tears- I can still smile at the beauty around me and seeing a family member in the face of another! Just remember- never get over it. Just work through it for the rest of your life!