why do i want friends but dont want to spend time with them.

We just need to be comfortable in our own body! I rarely feel sad as I have many activities right here at home to do! And I know a phone call is just a short distance away 24/7!

Good evening, @ray666, @celia16, @1830, and whoever else is finding this topic to be helpful - and sort of mysterious. It amazes me how similar our stories seem to be ~ and I've certainly thought about the phenomenon over time. I find that I have feared being asked to share about my life, situation, or what-have-you if I'm feeling fatigued when the time comes to be with others, so I have decided to avoid being judged to be disinterested or preoccupied, thus inviting more inquiries.
I know, however, that this is a self-centered approach, at least in my case. If I say I want to live by the Golden Rule (and I do), I need to put the attention not on my needs but on those of my friend. Maybe they are looking for a caring friend themselves, or would love to be welcomed into a conversation where they can share something of themselves, and all they ask of me is that I listen. One never knows, but I do know that it has become apparent to me to think that this opportunity may never come again and how would I feel if I had let it pass by forever?
Stuff to ponder...
Peace, Barb

I’m glad to report that after my trauma period last year,I recovered well. I got post covid syndrome and some annoying symptoms, but I feel great otherwise. And, I ended up spending some quality time with a small group of friends for a mountain/lake retreat that saved my life! Sharing time with good friends really changed my entire outlook and disposition. Most everyone I knew told me I needed to go on that trip. Lol. So, I knew I needed it.

I now thrive on that support and bonding. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, but I found that letting the love in felt good and they needed me as much as I needed them!

Thank you.

Thank you.

@bjk3 It wasn't until I came across a comment on this site that I gave more than a shrug to this topic. When anyone mentioned my aloneness I just thought, that's the way I like it. When I started seriously thinking about the topic, I realized that "that's the way I like it" was a cover for how I was really feeling. Most human beings need some sort of outlet to share ideas, vent, or simply have a conversation with someone that you can relate to. I can't abide chit-chat, aha! I just caught myself. I have to be careful when setting expectations. I don't want to sabotage the idea of stepping outside my solitude by setting my expectations so high that I don't meet anyone of interest. Which I recognize as an avoidance tactic . Why on earth would I do something like that. What am I so afraid of. So, after pondering my situation I need to stop slacking and living in this bubble I have created around me and..............to be determined.

It was difficult to connect with civilians while in the military.
That may be part of my issue with socializing. When your mate is in the military, the significant other and children are also enlisted. We move ever 2 to 4 years. Leave your friends behind with the hope you will be stationed at the same base once again. Also, the children end up changing schools with every move. You have to be strong. in order to adapt to the constant changers. We were stationed in the Philippines. (Sangly Point) that did not have a hospital, just a dispensary. If your pregnancy was uncomplicated, you gave birth in a room designated for that circumstance, in other words, a bed. You brought your own diapers and formula if you weren't going to breastfeed. I could go on forever about our adventures but. I promise I will say no more, except for one more thing. If you had special circumstances where you may need something different from others to accommodate your wife for example and the command did not have it readily available, you did not complain because you would be met with these famous words, "the military did not issue you a wife." Civilians just don't understand the rigors that we all went through, thereby difficult to connect. No matter, I will persevere in my effort to join the rest of the human race.

Hello. I sometimes write down my feelings ( good and bad). It helps me see how I am feeling and why I make the decisions that I do..Could it be you are afraid to go out or are you afraid you will not feel safe? Do you call family? Getting out for me seems like a fun thing if my friends are those that make me laugh, enjoy them and listen to them ! Don't be out for long at first. Go to your favorite resturant or park. This is how I handle it. Oh, by the way I am a caregiver for my husband. I usually am going to an appointment or getting groceries.. This is what I do. Invite your friends over and see how that works at first. I hope you feel more like getting out and be around people. Hugs❤️

Maybe it's because you don't really like them or feel comfortable with them. In my old age, I am willing to put up with many more differences in people than when I was younger. It is not easy to find good matches now. You should not back out, just getting out of the house is a good enough goal.

Good afternoon, Barb

You have said this so beautifully! Among your many observations, one struck me really hard: “Maybe they are looking for a caring friend themselves, or would love to be welcomed into a conversation where they can share something of themselves, and all they ask of me is that I listen.”

When I was in high school, more than a half-century ago, I shunned a boy named Thomas, who, for a reason I couldn’t explain, seemed to have chosen me as the one boy he wanted for a friend. He and I were in an all-boys class, studying the fundamentals of drafting, a precursor to becoming architects (a pursuit I eventually gave up). We were a bunch of rugged ‘dudes,’ patched jeans and off-color jokes. Thomas was the one exception. Not only did his mother dress him fashionably, Thomas was decidedly effeminate, the brunt of endless teasing. The more Thomas tried to be my friend, the more I avoided him. Eventually, we all graduated, and that was the last I saw of Thomas –– 62 years ago!

Forget the passage of time –– I have never been able to shake the memory of how awfully I treated him. Only last year, our high school alumni association forwarded a roster of the current whereabouts of our graduating class to anyone interested. Thomas’s address was on the roster. I wrote, surprising him, and a few weeks later, he replied, surprising me. That began a correspondence, first by paper letters, then by once-a-month phone calls. Our conversations were the typical: ‘I wondered what happened to so-and-so,’ ‘I hear so-and-so has done very well for himself.’ I swore one day I’d find the gumption to apologize for how shoddily I’d treated Thomas when we were in high school, but letter after letter, call after call, I’d pass up my chance …

… until one day, I received a phone call: ‘Hello. My name is Catherine. I am sorry to have to give you bad news, but my Uncle Thomas died last Tuesday.’

I had missed my chance to apologize. That’s why your saying, “Maybe they were only looking for a caring friend … ” hit me so hard.

Thanks again, Barb, for your beautiful post!

Best wishes,
Ray (@ray666)