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@jimhd I am not sure I have the words to help but I'm gonna sure try with you anyway. I myself have attempted suicide twice. And now thinking back I am glad I didn't succeed when I think about my kids and parents. They stood beside me all the way but reminded me how they would always be scared to leave me alone again which would impede on them ever having a normal life. It just wouldn't be fair to any of them having to baby sit me forever. It has been about seven yrs now since my last attempt. But I didn't become healed all the way. I switched suicide for cutting which scared them just as bad because they were just afraid I would end up cutting my wrist too deep and bleeding to death before I could get to the hospital. I have about 50 scars on both wrist so eventually I managed to kick that habit with a better psychiatrist, the right mixture of meds, and a caring neurologist, and God. Especially God. Now I'm not saying you have to believe in god but believe in something, somebody who can help you, it just to hard to do it alone. And don't forget how bad that charcoal taste, that is if you had to drink it. I did and it was very unpleasant and then one time it was to late and they kept me in ICU for a week. But I hear you when the emotional and now more so the physical pain gets to be more than I can handle cutting, more so than suicide really, lirks around in my brain. It creeps close to the surface just begging me to cut ONE more time but I've learned to talk to someone and for me I pray also. Just remember you got all of us to talk too.
Replies to "@jimhd I am not sure I have the words to help but I'm gonna sure try..."
I took a long break from Connect because I was feeling overwhelmed. But I decided to reconnect a few weeks ago. I hope you're still moving forward.
Thank you for your encouragement a couple of years ago.
Jim
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Thank you for your words, @lilgrizz - it does help to be able to interact with others when I'm down, but not so far down that I want to isolate.
I have a strong faith in God. I was raised in a pastor's home, and I was a minister until I retired in 2006, when I was 55.
Depression is an indiscriminate disease. When it's at a dark place, thought becomes skewed, and suicide becomes a reasonable alternative. When a person is at the point of suicide, thoughts about the pain it would cause others are lost. Normally, I am deeply saddened by the pain I caused by attempting, and the thought of the pain my suicide would inflict on the ones I love keeps me from acting on the suicidal thoughts.
Right now, I'm relatively safe. The thoughts linger, but in the back of my mind. The main issue, I believe, is passive suicide. The wish that an illness or disease would take me. I think that's a lot safer mindset than having a plan and actively putting it into place, at least for me.
Self harm is a very different issue than suicidal ideation. Self harm doesn't usually have suicide as a goal, though I certainly can see that it could be an entry point for suicidal thoughts to begin. This is something I talked with my therapist about last week. The whole field of mental illness and where it can lead is a vast range of thought. I never thought it would become a personal issue. I've been fortunate to have had a number of good doctors, therapists and psychiatrists to work with. They may have had to do more than just hold my hand at times. I know I've hung on pretty tightly to them many times. My present pastor has been a great help to me, as well. He has cancer, and goes through periods of depression, especially when he begins a new treatment, so he understands what I live with every day.
How are you doing right now, with cutting? Are you at a place where you have the help and support you need to stay safe? I hope so.
Keep praying and meditating on God's word.
Jim