why do i want friends but dont want to spend time with them.

that is wonderful. good for you. changing your mind is a good thing.

socializing with incompatible people for any reason, can feel emotionally draining, or like a waste of time..many people, however, still do it..but, maybe you're just intuitive enough to have a gut feeling of knowing a particular person's company won't bring you joy, etc..

if you're lonely, however, you should consider finding a robust volunteer job with lots of people, a volunteer job that you really believe is important, and just work with people in general...have daily casual chat then go home..that works for me, so I am not lonely

Maybe more appropriate would be to offer the NAMI helpline 1-800-959-6264. The National alliance on mental health has so many resources for people struggling with social anxiety and depression. They are there to support you and find you resources to help.

Grace, this is my experience and perhaps you will find it useful.
In 2003 I started a book club of 10 women. It was a magical thing as we did not all know one another when it began, but we became a very close group. Not only did we meet for book discussions, but we also did numerous weekend trips over the years. During this phase of my life, I also belonged to a Bunco group of 12. Fast forward to Covid. My Bookclub ended-Zoom meetings just weren’t the same. Stir in Covid anttitudes and political opinions and we were finished when it was safe to meet again. Same with Bunco.

Now, at age 72 I’ve come to the realization that larger groups are no longer appealing to me even though there was a time that I enjoyed flitting from one conversation to another. One must be “on” for those types of gatherings , BUT I so value relationships with a chosen few and spend my time maintaining those connections.

So, is there a handful of people that you click with-those that you look forward to interacting with on a one on one basis? Someone that you look forward to hearing their voice on the other end of the phone? My point is perhaps you can think small so that you will not find the prospect of attending get togethers daunting.

Lastly, keep your antenna up for a new friend. My condo association hired a master gardener as a consultant and I clicked with her immediately. It’s never too late!

Best wishes to you, Cindy

Very true, cmdw2600. It takes two to tango. We have to want to improve our circumstances, and that is when we find that there are others, even strangers, who would like to help. But we must initiate the process....ourselves.

Well, sounds a lot like me. I always want to go but “just not today”. So mostly I force myself, and that day/evening I am glad I did. So much happier stat evening. I just watch out for Negative leaning people. Spend little time with them. I usually feel that most things I say are judged. Just not a good fit for me. Hope you get out at least 1 time a week and read inspiring things that YOU like and help get youmsocial more! So important! Thank you for adding posts that I read today that were so inspiring to me!

I believe that the typical introverted personality is going to find that it's just too draining to deal with people a lot of the time. Trying to get up the gumption to get out, call on people, meet them, and then maintain a conversation about inanities or even something serious and pointed, can be exhausting. When one is depressed, and introverted, reaching out can be very demanding, too much at times. As I said, it's not that I am unsympathetic, particularly since some of that is my own history (decades ago, no longer). It was when I wanted things to change, for better or for worse, that things began to happen. Internal locus of control.

Good evening,
Thanks to all of you who acknowledged the situation under "study" and offered suggestions that just might facilitate positive changes. Twenty years ago I relocated to a small mountain village where I just about knew everyone. As a business owner (art galley) I found myself invited to community organizations and activities. It took a while to find a group of 7 or 8 ladies who wanted to participate in world "walks" 2 or 3 times a year. We headed to places like Ireland's southern ring, New England's mountains, and sandy beaches from Canada to California. That worked very well, keeping us in shape and enjoying shared adventures.

Then ten years ago, my journey travel schedule was too much of a challenge and I settled for an opportunity to live on the Mississippi River and join a small group of three women interested in mindfulness practice and helpful aging activities. We practice Yoga one morning every week, gather for lunch once a month, and get together for mindfulness meditation every Wednesday.

Although the group of 12 ladies enjoys those activities, three of us get together for what we call the" Trio Chat" every week or two to help each other explore and make decisions about health, mental stamina, and family issues.
Trio Chat is a confidential format in which trust and life support are shared.

So far, so good.
Chris

I’m like you. I find that going to my church has helped me in this quite a lot. Slowly, over recent years, I’ve been able to make a few friends and join in some activities. I can’t make it always, but people are concerned about me and check in with me from time to time if I can’t make it; not to guilt me, but to ask if there is something they can do, or just listen. When others just listen, I find that very helpful. All of this has taken years of baby steps. Therapy continues to help as does my psychiatrist.
It’s been hard, but worth it when I can get out.

I am 75 and ever since I retired at 65 the only "friends" I have is my family. I put friends in quotes because family I realize is not the same as having a friend. There is only so much you can share with family. Even with family I have no desire to go anywhere. I know it affects your health mentally and physically to keep myself to myself but I can't seem to be able to take that first step. I enjoy playing cards but can't find anything that is geared for seniors in my area. Not any type of activities. The only activities that I can find are for senior living homes, which are not open to the public. I don't know if I did find something if I would make the move but I'd like to be able to choose. I admire you for taking that first step.