Feeling hopeless: How do you make boundaries and keep them?

Keep busy!! Keep watching funny movies and laugh as much as possible! I try and keep distracted playing games, watching t.v. and joking around with friends.

@kb2014 Hello! Unless you may have posted it & I missed it - could you share what these "7 loops of ptsd" are, and even any link/s to credible site/s from professionals that address this?

I also wonder about "Complex PTSD", in the case of my sibling & I and growing up - and responding to & developing very differently in - a narcissistic (& probably more diagnoses would apply) family.

And, to tie in more specifically to the headline of this thread, setting boundaries was far from what was ever modelled in our family, AND if you did so (& I tried several times in very difficult and what became - for me - highly emotional "discussions") you were responded to, by the "head narcissist" (father) with: "How dare you? After all I've done for you?!" Similar responses from head narcissist's spouse (our mother) when I tried to have an "adult" discussion about a life situation I was trying to deal with: you were "scoffed at", treatly dismissively, sarcastically, and basically shut down. This happened throughout our lives, again, if I even dared to tread these waters. My sibling didn't even try, in fact, as I am recently learning in our new joint therapy sessions, she felt it was her "duty" to make everyone happy, calm the waters, with her "don't rock the boat" mentality. Further, though I haven't pointed it out to her, this position that she took had the impact of isolating me from her, and thus, for other reasons I know, has impeded our developing any kind of supportive sibling relationship. Maybe it isn't too late. Will see.

I know this could also fit under the narcissist topic created earlier (this year?), but boundary-setting applies in many settings and circumstances.

And, except for connecting here on Mayo Clinic Connect, I generally avoid social media (not that I think of MCC as social media, but I think you may follow what I mean here...)

Warm wishes. Everyone deserves and should feel they have control over their person, their personal space, and what they are subjected to.

Yes I will. Sorry for late reply. Election etc staying safe.

My info about the 7 loop ptsd came from the site called new synapse. The author has a degree in psychology and has ptsd herself. I found her site very helpful and it validates what I have learned from many therapists domestic violence treatment etc.

The dynamics you describe in your family are / were similar to mine. My mother was the enabler and tried to keep the peace in the family. Also she was a codependent. My father has enough narcisstic traits to be harmful. He can be controlling and authoritative. In my family I was the scapegoat my brother the golden child. I had medical issues early in life- bladder and was stuttering by age 3. I live 1900 miles away from my father and brother. The golden child is now responsible.

@kb2014 Thank you so much!

I will check out the site you mentioned, and it sounds especially good as the source has experienced PTSD herself. In a way I wish more/everyone would or could reveal their mental/emotional/psychological/developmental burdens such that the stigma and hidden woes could be shared and carry less weight. However, I realize that that is not realistic in our current society, as compassion is or very much seems to be at a new low.

Your family dynamics sound amazingly familiar too! My sibling, the Golden Child, has suffered in her role, yet maintained it her entire life, not seeming to question it, but paying a severe mental and physical price for what she assumed was her lot in life. Only now, finally, has she been open to discussing it when I volunteered to participate in some of her remote therapy sessions in the interest of helping her put words to her life experience with our mother.

Our mother, for whom I have such conflicted feelings, but also hold dear (kind of crazy-making dynamic) is still chugging along at almost 95. Thank goodness her mental faculties have been good up until recently. But she still has no concept of the toll her codependent relationship with my sister has taken on my sister's life so unfairly, not to mention on my life, but my father, 10+ years deceased, had a more damaging effect on my psyche for my life. But he also helped me pursue my career goals that took me across the country many times, for decades, and so on. But distance didn't - back then - quiet the tumultuous voices in my head critiquing everything I did. They're still there - mainly in my mother's voice, but I continue to strive, with many outward successes, but ultimately dragged down by this fundamental developmental burden that I can't seem to "grow out of".

If you'd care to continue: how do you find any peace? how do you thrive? can you sustain the healthier ways to find joy, peace, happiness? does it burden your (search for) meaningful, or even pleasantly supportive, relationships?

Either way: Warm wishes on this journey.

I relate completely to what you say There was trauma in my family that was never addressed just shoved under the rug.My mother's first cousin was molested by another male relative at a young age. My paternal aunt abused her 2 children who were adopted. My mother was the codependent trying to rescue. Did not work. My father was very hard on me too. He said to me in 2015 after surviving bacterial meningitis of my brain if I had known this before you would not be here. During my hospitalization for this I was coded. I was septic in.multi organ failure on a vent in a medically induced coma. My first husband- deceased in 2012- was an online porn addiction. My paternal grandfather had epilepsy. I am seizure free 10 + years after what happened to me. It is very hard sometimes to cope. Other people's decisions and behavior change and affect us yet we can be blamed. I have had a lot of therapy. I have an affirmation app with to affirmations about my husband and parents. I wrote their names birth date death date and then live to forgive. I look at it several times a day. My goal was to break the cycle of transgenerational trauma in my family..I still work on that goal daily. My father is still alive but his days are numbered. He was a harsh unhappy man. Our relationship is only by phone or email and it is toxic. I do believe the consequences of his actions caught up to him and he knows it. Same with my brother. I wish I had better news or insights for you. But perhaps my role and yours exceed a this pain.

Also. I married again. I moved my life long area- the midwest- and now live in the southwest. I changed my last name' my first husband- to my paternal grandmother. She was married to my paternal grandfather who had epilepsy. He acquired it from a head agency and became verbally and physically abusive .She got an order of protection against him divorced him raised 3 children on her own. She was my favorite grandmother.

Sorry. I took my paternal grandmothers maiden name in a legal name change done by the court.

Oh my goodness.

You are a survivor, and have strength and wisdom to keep sharing.

Hugs.