Mental struggle I want to give up

I feel very bad reading this, it’s so sad and truly painful, you are very depressed without a doubt and your suffering is heartbreaking. I wish that I could say something to you that would make some impact but where to begin, your life is so precious and you have loved ones in it, this alone makes you a blessed person. Life is so precious and so many people have no one to share it with, you paint and that makes you feel happy even if it’s just in the moment. I get many days that I feel like you but I fight my way back so I don’t get stuck, that really scares me not finding my way out of this darkness. I watch an advertisement for St. Jude’s cancer research hospital for children with this ugly disease, all of them have been through hell and you can see it in their faces, they never had a chance to live yet and do all the things that they deserve to do like just being a child. I feel ashamed of myself when I feel miserable because of my health problems. I think that there’s hope for you because you have joy even if it’s fleeting and also you’re here sharing your story because it means that you’re trying to find help, that’s called hope and I sense it in your words. This is just a start for you but it’s a big step and more will follow, please don’t give up the faith in yourself and keep hope inside your heart, you deserve it.

Hi, This is all new to me. I read your write-up first. I live in MD.
I was sur-
prised to hear, you are able to work. You have more going for you, then I think you realize. A loving wife,
or GF. That in itself, is such a bless
ing. Someone to
vent with, be with, someone to touch and hold, someone who truly loves and cares about you. Hang on to this love she has for you and you for her. Your journey will
have fewer
bumps and pot holes, if you continue to
refocus on all the good and love in your life and in you.
Those problems you see now, won't magically disapear. But you'll have the much needed mindset that you need now, to help you through this long and winding road, that's brought you to a place in life,
where you too are at a place where
you need to remember,
Love conquers all. The deepest of wounds and troubles will not over take, Love. I pray you get my message to you. Know that she loves and cares about you. I don't have that in my life.
Lonely, yes I know that feeling. Write me bk if you can. Thx.
I'm, Patrick

Sometimes it may help to look at things in the context of if I were gone who would miss me, you stated that you have lost both parents, and at least one friend. Do you miss them? I can tell that you do, so that means they at least had one person that cared for them. I’m sure that your Girl Friend and your child would miss you deeply. If you look I’m sure there are others.
Also look at the other side, what is not good in your life, your illness is one thing. It doesn’t keep you from doing something you enjoy, it’s just that when you think about going back to your “routine” it depresses you. Try starting with something to break that routine, you said your house is disgusting, pick one thing that you can start and complete in say 2 to 3 hours to correct this. Don’t try to tackle the entire house, just one thing, then stand back and appreciate that you made this one thing better today. Pick another thing tomorrow, and continue this, I had let things go as far as cleaning, I started doing this and after a few days I found he difference made me want to continue. Making small stride toward an end result can be rewarding.
Hope this helps,
Sid

I’m no expert, but the main things that I find to help me (I have issues anxiety and some depression) are as follows:
Talk therapy has been huge for me, but I’ve always trusted that process and felt the right therapist brings immense improvement to my life. For me, it’s vital. I did some research and fortunately found a good fit with a very experienced and gifted professional.

Daily workouts at my gym help me feel better physically and mentally. It’s a great social outlet too. I have made friends with other members and we can see how our training is transforming our bodies. It feels good to feel my body getting strong and feeling fit. I look very different and in a good way.

Eating a nutritious diet has transformed my body too. I’ve met with a nutritionist and other healthcare providers to develop a plan that meets my needs. ( I’ve lost weight, but not everyone needs that.) Have you had your vitamin levels checked? It’s amazing how deficiencies can cause all kinds of issues. A complete physical can rule out any medical issues.

Spending bonding times with my friends recharges my batteries and lets me know others care and feel like I do at times. A 4 day retreat in a serene location literally changed my life last year. Nature, music, beauty, wildlife and my friends brought a huge change in my perspective.

Finding ways to help others helps me. I spend a lot of time caregiving for my parents, but I also find time to do things for other people,When I help others I feel better.

None of these things replaces the care of mental health professionals, but has helped me with my journey. I hope you are able to find hope, help and peace in yours. It’s definitely worth it.

I also have given up. I am now 90 years old. Some call this an achievement. I just feel I am this old because I didn't die. There were some incidents in my long life where this could have happened, but it didn't. I call myself a survivor. But here I am at the end of my life with no one. My husband died three years ago. I have always had trouble meeting people so have very few friends. I have two sons. My eldest lives in Asia so I see him only on Skype. The other has thrown me out of his life. Now I just don't seem to care about anything. There are many days when I don't bother to get dressed. Dishes amass on the counter until even I cannot stand it so load them into the dishwasher. There is no reason why I cannot do this everyday, but I just don't feel like it. I am bitter. I have outlived almost everyone who has been in my life. On the other hand I do feel fortunate that at this great age I am still independent. I live alone and am able to take care of myself. I can drive. I have no major illnesses. At the age of 87 I had to have a complete hip replacement because it wore out. But I survived it. I guess down where the rubber meets the road I just feel there is nothing worth living for and I want it to be over. I am not suicidal and would never think of doing away with myself. When I do look forward it is to endless days of nothing.

I am so sorry you are sad and depressed. Do see a professional. Whether is mental health or the loneliness you are feeling . Find out! It maybe an imbalance of lots of things. If you are not eating ..Do try! People say pray. Yes that helps some...You are obviously discouraged ! My heart reaches out to you! Hugs! I know you deserve love and friendship. The pandemic has made others not want to get involved. Please take the first step. Love yourself and know I care. Much love❤️

You say: It all seems so fake and temporary, friends die, jobs change...." Is this the kind of questions that you could not talk with your mother and the "best friend" "because there are just some things I cannot share or show, simply because these aren’t things I feel anyone can SOLVE."
Yet I did not find even One example of the things that haunt you; can you say more?
There is a loneliness in this world called existential loneliness, and that's the closest I feel what you are hinting at. It's the loneliness that confronts us with a realization that Ultimately, what is point of it all if EVERYTHING must vanish?
Wondering why religions and prophets and saints had such a field day?
These are not just hard but the mother-of-all-questions.
Good thing is people Have talked and written about it...and it's still alive: UNSOLVED. Yes, it could be the "good thing" considering what Permanence would usher. Think for a minute.
But maybe I'm entirely off-track; I'd need know what You cannot talk about.

temporary medication seems fine to me.

You are underestimating what a good antidepressant can do for you. Why are you being resistant to it? In this frame of mind, I would imagine you'd try anything.

You are also underestimating your role in your 9 year old's life. Planning and spending time with him should be your most joyous job! It's certainly your most important one. He will grow up so fast and needs you so very much. Savor these days and just listen. Children see the world in exciting ways and it's always entertaining 😉

I have a son who suffered this same mindset for a good part of his adult life. He decided to go back to school at 36 and became an RN by 40. He is now a hospice nurse/case manager. Sounds crazy for a depressive type personality, right? What he tells me is that his life now has true meaning and makes a difference to not only his patients, in providing them a good death but to their families. He needed something to get him out of his own head. He also said that he still suffers but his life is more satisfying at the end of the day. He now appreciates time and health. Not saying this is a viable road for many. Just that this journey you're on is common. Perhaps, without offending you, some volunteer work with animals, unhoused, meals on wheels, nursing home, etc. could help with your mindset. Not trying to be presumptuous, just helpful. It can enrich your life tremendously.

Best of luck to you. There really is meaning to be discovered.

Oh my friend. My heart aches for you. I have felt hopeless many times, like ‘why bother’ and ‘what’s the point.’ I discovered I had a missing chemical in my brain.
I understand you don’t want to take pills. But if you have some illness you would take medicine for it. You can’t replace the chemical in your brain without adding it. At least try it. That said, and I can almost hear people groan, I could not ‘do life’ without Jesus. I can talk about anything and everything with Him. He died for us. He is the good Father who wants us to come to Him with all of our troubles. Many times in my 71 years, He has literally saved my life. I promise you He will do it for you. Get on your knees and talk to Him. Prayer works. I don’t say this lightly. I am living proof. I am praying for you fervently, starting today and everyday. Just call out His name. Watch what He does for you.