Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

First, hugs to you! You are going through the same thing I am going through but with my daughter. She’s always been difficult but for about 15 years (she is now 54) this is how she’s been with me. We now get together once in a while, but I can’t ask questions or express opinions. I remain silent for the most part. We can chitchat about anything that isn’t personal. It’s not just me, it affects the whole family. I used to cry a lot because I thought she hated me. But it’s something else in her that’s created this and she needs to help herself. I’m lonely for her but I keep myself focused on other things because after many years I’ve realized that it’s not my fault, it’s a mental illness. I think we have this dream of always being close to our kids but that isn’t true for everyone. We have to accept that and be happy with ourselves.

Thanks for your hugs bonnie 🙂
First, I am so sorry to hear you are going the same issues with your daughter and for such a long time now. From what I read on Paranoid Personality Disorder it usually lasts a lifetime...and some with this condition can function normally in society - but for others (like my son and apparently your daughter)...they can not. It impacts every area of their lives. It is the same for me, I can not ask any questions of him, he becomes defensive and will say "why are you asking me this?" in a hostile manner. And my opinions on seemingly little issues are always met with "challenges" and we get nowhere. He simply becomes mad...and on it goes. So, we too when speaking on the phone, have absolutely nothing to talk about. I can't discuss anything with him like a "normal" Mom and Son, so I also remain silent which makes for very stressful phone calls. I am completely tense with him. And, yes, right now I feel my son hates me also. This is now over 2 1/2 years after he suffered some tough professional and personal setbacks. In the past, my son always got back on his feet...now he went down the rabbit hole and is not returning...he is getting worse and worse. It's truly unbelievable this high achiever, so personable with many friends from around the world, world traveler, smart with a great education, a leader and overall happy and positive young man, a wonderful son in every way - has destroyed his life and everyone in it.
Yes, I am lonely also. Lonely for the son I use to know. He is gone and doesn't look like he is ever coming back - his paranoia, isolation, rage, misery, obsessions, self-absorption, lack of empathy for others & especially his "senior" parents, un-trusting of everyone he crosses paths with (no matter who), lack of spirituality and lack of health care (doesn't trust the doctors)...I could go on. I am beyond frightened of what this means...I worked as a RN in mental health for over 25 years - so I know consequences, what can and does happen to the mentally ill. And especially for those who refuse to seek the proper treatment for their conditions.
Yes, right now my dream is dead of ever having a "normal" relationship with him ever again. And we were so close...it hurts terribly. I am in therapy for the sole purpose of trying to learn how to "handle" him and to "accept" him and the path in life he is on now. It's so hard though - to accept what one does not want. You are right of course, I must find happiness within myself. I must learn to disconnect and live my very best life, what's left of it.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. Your thoughts were spot on 🙂

We cannot heal others only ourselves. We can only change ourselves our actions reactions.

Yes, I know that. However with mental illness one needs support, the proper medications and therapy - interventions must in place. Of course, then it is up to the "patient" to either reach out or not.
He can not see the forest from the trees. He is in the mid-west, I am in Central PA and his father SC. He is refusing to speak to us. My sense is he is now just staying in bed all day and all night. Not seeing his psychiatrist, no therapist, no friends or family is there. God only knows how dark his mind is. I worked in mental health as a psychiatric RN for 25 years. I know first hand how this crisis can play out. My options? Call his mental health clinic and reporting he is a danger to himself. And I know how that goes, the police will be called and a Crisis Intervention Team sent. He if doesn't answer the door the police will bust it down...if he refuses treatment or the Crisis Team decides he is in danger of suicide, he most likely will be put in handcuffs and taken to the nearest ER for a psychiatric evaluation. If he says the "right words" he will not be held. I know I can not "heal" him...but he needs to have options he can reach for... or not. At least have options in place. Now he has nothing. Are you a parent, a mother? Do you have experience with a mentally ill adult child? Do I continue to stand by, do nothing for him and let him to continue to fall deeper and deeper into despair? What should my reaction be?

@briarrose, My wife and I went through a mental health crisis with our son in his early teen years and he's now in his 50s and still living with us which is a blessing. He learned how to maintain a routine with his medications and he's able to hold a job which helps him with his daily interactions. What really helped us get through the dark times was a National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Family Support Group - https://www.nami.org/support-education/support-groups/nami-family-support-group/. We met other parents going through similar situations and were able to both get and offer help from each other in finding resources.

The NAMI website has some information that you might find helpful here:
-- Family Members and Caregivers: https://www.nami.org/your-journey/family-members-and-caregivers/

I know you mentioned he is refusing to speak to you. Have you tried just sending him a card or letter just to let him know you care for him and leave it open ended hoping he will contact you?

Hello, sorry you too have to deal with this.
my situation is almost exactly the same only I’m the father and 70 and I’m the one closer to him than his mother. Whst to do? Pray , give them space watch them fail is hard but maybe the only alternative. ?
Good luck with it.
Best..

No. I am not a patent. But I am a retired nurse .Was RN. I did a lot of psychiatric nursing. My first husband died in 2012. He was nondiagnosed with OCD but it was used as an excuse for his hoarding. He had an online porn addiction. He had type 2 diabetes myleodysplactic syndrome and trauma in his past. Severe adverse childhood events. I was emerged in codepency with him trying to save him. He was completely non compliant. The consequences to me for wearing myself out with this behavior was bacterial meningitis of my brain. I was intubated in a medically induced coma multi organ failure failure. I was coded. Of course after this besides extentensive medicare I had trauma informed therapy. That involved taking a hard look at me. This was 2014. In hindsight there was nothing I could do for him to change his outcome. I did change me. This is your son and I understand how painful this is. If he is non complaint what can you really do? Personality disorders even if just traits exist is hard work to resolve. It may involve your son being willing to learn and implement DBT and CBT. I am not a doctor. But medication is only part of the answer. I do not have an easy or promising answer. I wish I did and I sense your pain. One of the hardest things I did was holding my first husbands hand through his breath knowing the outcome could have different. Even with all my " hard work" wanting to change him. The health care is no longer set up to adequately intervene in your sons case in my thought process. The only way I derived any closure about my experience was extensive therapy for myself. Keep trying if you feel the need. You are his mother. I am remarried now. Sometimes I catch myself in old problematic thought and behavior patterns thinking I can save or change someone or something. I have enough skills now to interrupt this. My job is to control the things I can and let go of what I cannot for the welfare of my husband myself our 2 dogs who are my legal ESAs. I have ptsd. I had adverse childhood events very hard controlling parents Not saying this is your sons case but I had to get to the root cause of what happened to me. My motto now is live to forgive. I wish you well in your journey and hope their is help for your son

Thank you kindly mdk for sharing your history with me. We actually have a lot in common, I was also a psychiatric nurse...and in my childhood suffered emotional neglect, from the day I was born. I finally figured out my mother never bonded with me to the day she died at 88. My 30 marriage was abusive (no surprise) & unfortunately my son, since his childhood, saw his father "in action" many, many times. I waited until he finished college to divorce him. My son was aware he choked me...but he was neutral & to this day has somewhat of a relationship with him. I think he is scared of him...me? I was always the peace-making and softie. I also have PTSD & now in therapy (again) for the simple reason of how to handle my son...helping just a bit. Everything you wrote, I understand completely and I more than get it. My health is poor also...for many reasons and no surprise there either. Life was difficult for him...perhaps inevitable this happened to him? I don't know. But surely it was dysfunctional. And during my marriage I was your typical domestic violence "victim". I was completely numb my entire marriage. What was so abnormal, was normal for me. Until he almost killed me and finally had the strength to leave with great difficult. Of course, all of this affected my son.
Thank you again for your kind words & support. I know what I am up against with my son. I will always try for healing with my only "child"...even if it takes me no way. Yes, live to forgive. I hear you.

Thank you John for sharing your story and supportive words.
I am so glad for you your story had a happy ending with your son.
Yes, I intend to contact NAMI. A local chapter is not far from me.
Thank you kindly again, for all your good advice.

Thank you very much for your kind advice and sorry to hear of your pain with your son.
Yes, I do pray but now I am asking God to take on this burden. Before I asked him to help my son see the light...for 2 1/2 years...and he hasn't. Now I pray "I trust in Jesus".
Thank you for your good thoughts, I appreciate it! And all the best to you as well with your son.