Help: Struggling with Wife's Pancreatic Cancer issues

Grace to you and wife! May He continue to cover you with His amazing grace. I was move by the long suffering you and your wife have endured since having this dreaded disease. I only received my diagnosis a few days ago. I’m so still in a state of shock. My foundation has been terribly shaken. My faith in the Lord is all I have left to stand on. So I will! I expect nothing from no one else. Your love from your Family will grow weary and your strength will be get weak. “But they that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength…….. The Lord will intervene into our condition one day and I pray He will deliver us out all of our troubles. I Donna share more with you each day and ask you a few things along the way. I need you my Friend! Your sharing has had a profound effect on my heart ❤️. Tell your beautiful wife I will be praying for her. Keep me in your prayers too. HE LIVES!!

@papahotel58
I resolve to be a thriver, not just a survivor, but some days it is difficult. Diagnosed stage IV in 2021, I feel I’m in a game of “wack a mole” always knowing that my body’s resistance will become weaker as time goes on. It is hard, as a patient, to not examine every bit I eat and every drop I drink . I know many have problems and stress worse than mine and I do wake up each day with humility that I am still here. I try to live in that place but it can be difficult. Family can disappoint us. In fact, at some point it probably happens to all of us. Find fun in your marriage and get out of the house. See things you haven’t seen before. Wake up in a hotel a few hours away. Rent bikes for an hour and let her feel the breezes. Even if you have to travel a few hours to find a flat place!

Please, get second and third opinions. At each stage of my disease I have done that and it has given me the hope and optimism to move forward. Science is at a turning point for this disease.

Stand strong in the Lord and help her to listen intently to His guidance. She still has gifts to give and use in His kingdom. he loves her and loves you.

Lastly, call those boys on the carpet! Sometimes sons don’t know what to do or say. Go through their girlfriends/wives if you have to. One of a mother’s greatest hurts is to feel separated from their children-No matter what age. Get those boys in gear!!!!! Love and prayers to you this morning.

I understand so completely the fatigue--and yes, no doubt depression--of your wife. It's like stepping on a train that never stops and leaves you no options.
I am female, 84 years old, and also lost over 30 pounds, starting with a weight of 120. I also feel like just sitting in my home; it is a struggle to get out and do things. Way easier said than done. I have had the Whipple (over 1 year ago) and had to quit chemo as death became preferable to life. Diarrhea, constipation--constant seesaw. Since that time, I had 5 sessions of radiation on a mass on my kidney cited as probable metastatic pancreatic cancer; the verdict is not in on the efficacy of that treatment, but the mass caused me to have a urologist insert stents from my kidney to the outside world. But the radiation was so much more tolerable than the chemo; I hardly noticed it at all.
My point is that my cancer train stops now and then--and I feel good! I walk around a park, planted a garden (in waist high planters)--and have something to live for. But I'm 84--and can look at the prospect of death with the realization I have had a good life. And also my daughter and stepson are extremely supportive. I agree that you must ask your children why they are not supportive; make sure you have not inadvertently turned them away. In other words, I feel more in control of the rest of my life. And very appreciative of what has come before.
My radiologist has so much empathy; he understands what an 84 year old wants from the rest of her life. A cure is not a possibility; palliative care is. So yes, I also agree with your getting a second opinion; that presents options. A major option for me is the Death with Dignity program of my hospital; I have not signed up yet! But it's there for me when the time comes, possibly sparing me from an ending filled with pain and major drugs. Of course, it does not conflict with my religious beliefs.
As a husband, you must let go too; that is almost harder. I see it with my husband--the fear of my death is very frightening; he is 88 years old with some dementia. And I don't know your ages--that makes a huge difference. But I do understand what you are dealing with--but there are options for you such as counseling. And possibly different care options for your wife. I send caring and prayerful thoughts to you, with the hope that your new outlook to enjoy your loving relationship is making life better for you both.

'm so sad to read your post, and I relate to your situation. We have just started the fight, and it is hard and discouraging. So hard to go through with your spouse. I lost my first husband, 42yrs of marriage, to Parkinsons, he had just turned 60 when he passed. Now going through this terrible diagnosis now, with my husband of nearly 6 yrs, is almost more than I can do. Like you, we are trying to focus on our love for each other, and a hope for better times. Life is fleeting, that's what I'm coming to grips with. Enjoy today, the little things … My heart is with you and your wife. 💞🙏💞

My dad died of stomach cancer at 48. My sister died of pancreatic cancer at 52. Now my mom, who is 80, is dying of pancreatic cancer and she has dementia. My step-father is in the same nursing home that she is and he is basically dying a horrible slow death from Parkinsons. It is totally depressing. I don't live in the same city as them and very rarely see them. I call every Sunday like I always have. Sometimes my mother hates me, sometimes she loves me. Sometimes they can't hear or understand me. You are not alone in your sadness. It seems strange that we still don't have a cure for cancer and yet for 200 million, you can fly to the moon. I am definitely not impressed that your sons cannot even pick up the phone to call their mother. Maybe you should rethink your will and leave every penny you have to cancer research.

“continue in the grace of God”
This is my daily prayer. This past April was my 1 year anniversary of the Whipple. 3 family members all died of Pancreatic. It is quite a journey we are all on. Enjoy every moment. Thank you for being an amazing care giver.

Good for you both to stay strong in your love for each other and your faith in God! I recently lost my husband two weeks ago of lung cancer. We kept our love for one another and our faith in God strong. It helped right up to the very end. You might want to stop the chemotherapy. My husband stopped it some years ago and he lived 5 more years. Everyone reacts differently to medications. It sounds like it's affecting your wife negatively. The hospitals want people to take it. It does cost $25,000 per infusion! They make a lot of money from it. But to be fair it also helps many people too.
My husband and I also noticed people stayed away as things got worse. But we got through it together. Forget the kids! My husband's kids; (We are a second marriage.) haven't come to see him or call on Father's Day, Christmas in over 4 years. I don't have their phone numbers so I didn't even contact them when he died.
Keep in mind that your wife will be up in Heaven with God and Jesus and all the angels and eventually, you will be with her. Also, even though you are left behind in what lately has become an awful world, God will be there for you. I have found that out. God has answered so many prayers for me since my husband died and I have found so many kind and helpful people; especially those on this forum! It has helped so much!

On a practical note, get your finances in order. Keep in mind that Social Security and Pensions will eventually come in but will take longer than you initially are told and may be a different total than what you were told. I am finding that out now. Things are going to be fine but only after I spent a week making phone calls! Also do spend that hour on the phone waiting to talk to Social Security. There's no other way and it's worth it!

It sounds like you and your wife are doing the right thing. Love each other and pray to God! I wish you both the best. I will say a prayer for both of you.
PML

@papahotel58, I hope you saw the many helpful posts that members wrote to you. Do you have a palliative care team as part of your oncology team? I ask because having a palliative team can help support the pledge you and your wife made to one another to prioritize your love and your relationship over the all consuming roles of patient and caregiver. Palliative teams and hospice teams (when the time is right) can help.

How are you both doing today?

Here is a update to share, first of all thank you all for the love and kind words of support. I really appreciate it.
So, we are no longer treating the cancer, chemo failed due to having an allergic reaction to the new drugs. So now it's come down to pain management and keeping her as comfortable as possible. She grows weaker by the day, I have to actually walk her to the bathroom and bedroom, she can't get in or out of the bed on her own anymore. When she's awake I spend 100% of my time with her doing any and all that I can to enjoy the time and make her happy. She is struggle with constipation from all the pain meds she takes, hoping she can get things moving soon it's been 14 days since last bowl movement, she got a suppository and enema earlier so far, it worked a little but not a lot. Not eating much still. I know the time is running out and I'm more focused on the making her days as best possible, but I do know that one day this fairy tale marriage will end, and she will be with the lord, and I will be all alone with no idea what to do. But until then I will love her and will show that with every action I take. Thank you all for the prayers and kind words, thank you Jesus for the past 44+ years I have had with her I am truly blessed and continue to be, by his stripes we are healed, Amen

Thank you for taking care of your wife like this. My husband has been a blessing to me in this way. I too, decided not to treat my cancer and taking life day by day. I still am able to do basic things by myself but understand the other stages are ahead of us. We have chosen to go on hospice to receive services and supplies that are needed. We also believe that God is able to heal with the ultimate healing being death so we can spend eternity with him.