@concernedadvocate I have come back to your post several times, reading it and the responses you have been given here. I understand the feeling of "what if we try...?" We have been there with my Dad, my Mom, my Mother-in-law, and most recently my sister-in-law so I understand how it feels wrong to "give up."

I think Colleen's and Becky's suggestions that you bring the oncology social worker, a chaplain and a medical translator into the discussion are important, as much for you as for Dad. They can help both of you understand what is involved in the additional treatments you are reading about, what the effects might be, and what hospice might look like instead.

What you need to understand is why your Dad wants more treatment - with multiple mets from his lung cancer, limited or no tolerance for chemo, and the inability to walk, he is unlikely to return to his former life. So what would life look like going forward? Does he understand he is unlikely to "go home and be like before"? Does he want to go through more treatment if instead he will be wheelchair bound and dependent, even after tolerating more side effects from whatever treatments he might try? Is he doing this because he feels like family wants him to?

Our parents each chose at a certain point to forego more treatment and take palliative measures to be as comfortable as possible. In their last weeks/months they were each able to visit with family and friends, and my Dad even managed to take a trip to his much-loved winter home. Each passed peacefully on their own terms, surrounded by loved ones, after having the opportunity to say their good-byes.

My sister-in-law, on the other hand has chosen chemo and all of its side effects, which have rendered her so weak and sick that she has done nothing the past few months except manage her pain. Most of the time she is too ill to interact with her grandkids and great-grandkids, but she will not call in hospice because to her it means "giving up." Her quality of life is pretty poor, and very stressful for her loved ones.

So as you can see, it is important to figure out what is important - quality time or fighting to the last breath.

There are no easy answers. Every time I talk to my sister-in-law, I cry afterward, because she is fighting so hard to keep breathing that I don't think she is really living.