Caregiver burnout

It’s a positive thing that you recognize what you are experiencing. You do sound overwhelmed. Can you get some respite care, in order for you to get some rest and time to recharge your batteries ? Are you getting any help?

I’m afraid I can’t suggest much else, other than what you’ve mentioned. I like my therapist. He helps me a lot. He encourages me to advocate for myself.

We have an appointment tomorrow for an assessment for home health care. Hopefully, that will make a difference. Still, I won’t continue with caregiving much longer.

After years of being a caregiver, I suffered a lot of decline in my heath. My plan is to give it up. I have plans in place to do that. I hope that it’ll be soon too. I applaud those who do it, but for me, it’s time to let it go.

Good luck to you! I hope you can take a break and get help! I hope you’ll get some other ideas around here.

@nikieva Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect and a very caring, helpful group! I do think that you need a therapist, if only for a short time. Someone who can take on your struggles and give you ideas of how to proceed. With children and a caregiving situation, it would be a great solution for you. I think we’ve all needed to call a therapist at one time or another! Your, or the person you’re caring for, doctor should have a licensed clinical social worker on their staff who you can speak to. Can you think of something you would like this person to help you with?

Well my relationship of 6 years found out he had cheated on me while I was beginning the journey of caregiving, my friends moved away shortly after and unexpectedly. I was caregiving for my uncle as well and he passed away. Also took on the school advocating for my daughter, who is on the asd spectrum, because she keeps getting physically assaulted, 🙄. I also set her up with counseling and grief supports for all of this. My son also needed speech services. Just my kids and my dad is the support we have. My counselor moved and everyone else books out months that can use my insurance. So finding a therapist that actually works is difficult with little time. My dad is pretty independent but rapid decline. My kids are 9 and 4. And my now ex had his daughter who is 8. I don't even know who or where a person begins to rebuild when all their foundations and sense of self and security have been vandalized spit on and turned to smoldering coals.

I just realized how very young you are, so your children can't be helpful other than bring you joyful moments. My daughter just flew in to spend a week with us and it was the answer to my burnout. Just having her put my husband to bed without my facing his obstinance; he gave her none was a huge break. She made us some fancy "cruise" meals and just took over for a short time. It was so wonderful. I didn't have to leave my house, but I was excused from duty and it made all the difference. I don't know who would provide the break for you, but I hope you find a way to take a breath. It gave me renewed strength and patience. I am 80 and fairly new to the journey of ALZ with my husband. We had a very good run for a very long time; for which I am grateful.

I am so sorry, so virtual hugs all around
on the practical level, even a grief support group locally (you have the death of your uncle and anticipatory grief with respect to dad, at a minimum) might be a low cost immediate option?
please talk to your primary care and let them know the burden of caregiving
they can often prescribe a short term mild anti-depressant that can be helpful
no siblings of yours? siblings can be their own challenges, but the 6 of us, scattered geographically did what we could when we could to help out the one Mom had settled closest to in retirement
are you on the HIPPA paperwork for dad? is his Primary care helpful in sharing local resources?
have you checked with your Area Council on Aging for other local resources

practical stuff to check off includes will, living will/advanced directives, POA for general needs and for medical needs, that sort of stuff
if you can check out the AARP caregiving handouts online
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
It was immensely useful to learn this before I needed it
and yes, you are in the middle of a "storm" so I do understand that it is just one more thing to think about
sometimes for me, (an N of 1) making a list of these things to be done and getting them done over days, weeks, is a useful exercise that keeps me sane
I am fortunate to have a MH therapist who does tele-health as I am in a rural area and a 100 mile RT weekly would add stress
again, many virtual hugs

@nikieva, have you looked at supports for your daughter and father? There is programs that offer respite care. Professionals come in and watch child/father for a few hours. You could start while your there to build a relationship and then eventually you can take time away from the house. Are you a member of a church, could they help 1x/week or every other week.
Other ways, could you afford a maid service 1x per month. I started also being a caregiver in my 30s and I found fresh air (walks, parks) as well as taking tasks away were huge helps!

They either don't want the care, and/or are to independent for it to be beneficial. The argument of trying to find out now what they prefer has been has many times.

The autism community is very welcoming maybe you can connect with other young parents go to some events and combat your isolation

Understood, but you, the caregiver may be more qualified to determine the help that is needed.

@nikievnikieva ,

I understand. I am much older than you, and take care of my 93 year old father in my home. He is still fairly independent, and refuses anyone from the outside helping (although soon it may be a necessity rather than his choice). Burnout can happen, I think, as a cumulative effect of not just the daily caregiving chores that someone else can help with, but the emotional burden and isolation that happens—involving the responsibility of the role you play. For me, it is the always having to be vigilant for any signs of health changes. Balancing care with sustaining dignity. Coordinating many many many doctors appointments, tests, test results, scans, insurance approvals, etc. Making sure all specialists are aware of results from other doctors lab orders. Asking pertinent questions about everything. Med schedules and balancing those with the rest of life. Watching over finances and paying bills. In your case, I’m sure you have homework and therapies and added schedules to oversee. The list just for me could go on and on, I can’t imagine what it is for you! And no one else in your world can relate because they have not, and might not ever, walk this path. Plus, you have just gone through the betrayal of your partner—that is so hard on so many additional levels! I am so sorry.

I know for me, besides the physical demands of caregiving, the emotional are even heavier. The lack of freedom. When others are doing the things you planned to be able to do, you don’t even get to decide what time you go to bed or get up in the morning. Feeling guilty for even feeling bad about that. The constant feelings of responsibility and not wanting to let anyone down, or miss something important, or forget to do something they need. The stress of doing it all with a smile and light, reassuring tone so they feel cared for and safe. The guilt when I have failed to do something with a smile, or have sounded impatient. All the while trying to do for people who are not infants, people who have a mind and will and opinions of their own to balance and respect. It is a lot and very isolating and exhausting.

For me, I am learning that it’s important to do my best. But I am not God and cannot be and do everything for everyone in my life. I need to trust the One that made me and the ones I love, to minister to me in those moments when I know I am not enough—but in Him I can do more than imagined. I know how hard it is to find a therapist who has time in their schedule, and who you feel comfortable with enough for it to help. I had that, but she retired when Covid hit, and I am still searching. For me, a Christian counselor who incorporates my beliefs and can pray with me is also important. Depending on where you live, there may be resources through a college (students of psychology interning under supervision for training), or Psychology Today online can help you screen for someone in your area who takes your insurance. Some denominations have counseling centers that bill on a sliding scale based on income, as well. I know for me it just helps to have someone I can talk to to let everything out, and not feel guilty that I am divulging my family members private business to someone in “real” life. It helps to keep things in perspective…..

You have been through so much. You sound like such a caring, responsible young woman of integrity and strength. This is a very trying season you are in, with a lot to work through. But life’s seasons change just like the ones in nature. People on this site are very caring and have good suggestions arrived at through many life experiences—that can help.
I pray you can find someone to talk to in person. Even get on their schedule for a future time and call/check for cancellations as you wait. Even getting out for a walk and chatting a bit over nothing heavy, with neighbors can be a respite. Some area libraries have talks and programs for kids up to seniors. Maybe multiple people in your family group could go and find interesting things at the same time to attend there, giving you a break from home routine? I have seen caregiver and grief support virtual group meetings offered on this site—-maybe helpful? The suggestion of talking to your PCP about the things you are experiencing and getting his/her suggestions/options for help (both practical for physical needs of loved ones, and emotional for you) may be something to consider as well.