I am so very sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. My wife and I have both done counseling individually and during some difficulties, we did get in couples counseling.

It absolutely helped.

I know that many many people are resistant to getting into counseling, so I know that may not be possible.

Another thing you can try, if he won't do it, get in counseling yourself and with your counselor discuss the relationship and see if there are not ways to repair it some.

So, I would not give up on it, not just yet. As far as his disconnect and inability to connect with you deeper. I think it is possible to make progress in that arena. And the solutions might be very very simple. Finding his heart through the difficulties of life? He may need a certain kind of time, a kind of warm up period for his heart to engage? Oh, who knows, he may like talking about the old neighborhood and that awakens the spark in his eye and after a few minutes of talk about that, he is generally more open.

But, you know, there may be keys to bringing that nice heart to the fore. And, you know, the idea would be that the conversations with the therapist might open up some ideas for you.

So, you know, help him win his heart back...not just for you, but for him also. Anyone disconnected is lost and in pain too.

As far as what you wrote:

"And I certainly ruminate on my contribution to this dynamic, as I have ruminated all my life, wondering why I cannot find the kind of deep, soulful connection I crave, while looking in every possible way for it. And, especially like you said so clearly: "I can truly say I don't believe I was ever loved as I should be". "

True confession here....I am a former monastic. And I still think a lot, through that world. The only reason I mention it is that, I am not sure folks quite understand that, in the monastic life, we are searching for that kind of connection...through God. And the point being, it is a life long search. Very difficult. And whether you are searching for that kind of love and connection in regular society or the monastic hill...either way is going to be, you know, the major work of your life.

I think we hear so many wonderful stories about life, we presume that the search for the deepest connection is just a walk in the park. And, in my experience with myself, my monastic friends and in life, in general...that journey is very very hard work, for us all.

And, I also think, the vast majority of marriage relationships, romantic relationships, also struggle for that kind of deep connection. I don't think it comes easy to anyone.

Now, the point of that is not to say...oh, well, we are all cursed and life is doom. No. The point of that is to try and much more deeply respect the bits of connection we do get...and to keep working for more.

And to not discount the bits of connection we do get...as valuable to us as they are. Whether that is with a nice pet, a friendly conversation with a cashier, a card from a relative, whatever.

Take it all in. View it all as a gift from the universe.

Get out, do some volunteer work and connect with others that way. For me, that always is an injection of hope and joy.

As far as deep spiritual experiences of connection? What we are taught in the monastery is that the basic foundation and seed of all deep spiritual experiences is peace. Now that is an easy word to type, but its meaning is broad. And it certainly means a level of patience that few of us engage. That is a huge secret. Within deep patience is accepting of all things.

One saint wrote: be like the earth, absorbing the entirety of all misery in calm acceptance.

That kind of deep patience and maybe even the word "long-suffering" allows our consciousness to glean depth that is always there, but we just "walk by."

Where is the gold?

This is the question that we all ask ourselves.

And most often the answer is...right in front of us...and all the time..but we have not allowed ourselves that deeper dive...because it is very nuanced or maybe fragile even. And we just keep walking by it.

Generally that is the case with folks. Certainly with me. I know it is not an issue for others. But with others, obstructions to the deepest spiritual feelings are just other issues.

One great saint fell into deep connection with God, watching the beauty of some geese flying overhead.

Another fell into deep connection with God, watching a tree in the wind, in winter.

Is it just a tree? But, like a painter, take a deeper look at its lines, its bark, the nuances of color.
And then, apparently, the saint could go deeper still.

This is part of the meaning of "be still and know that I am God." That if we still our anxieties and energies and nervousness and on...and come to great calmness...God that is always there, starts to show....

I don't know if this is waxing didactic. I have brain damage from carbon monoxide poisoning. Not easy for me to connect with others anymore. Trying to share, not preach.

Anyway....best wishes to you and hubby.

@brandysparks as someone on this thread has mentioned, being alone is not the same as being lonely. You could be in a roomful of people and still be lonely. Likewise, you could be married and still be lonely.

On the other hand, you could be alone yet not feel lonely. You are never lonely if you like your own company. That is not to say you shouldn’t go out and socialize, but if you are comfortable being alone with your own company at the end of the day don’t knock it.

From what you have described of your relationship, I get the sense your companion is already in that “married” mode where he doesn’t have to make an effort anymore. He has what he wants and is in his happy place already, tuning you out and seemingly unaware of your lack of companionship with him. You may want to think seriously whether you want this to become your status quo. If not, have a serious talk with him. If during this talk he still is tuned out (you will know!) you may need to make the difficult decision to end this relationship. Life is too short to waste on someone not invested in you emotionally.

Unfortunately even in this day and age society still seems to put pressure on people at least to be in a relationship, if not marriage, which should not be the case. Not everyone is meant to be married, and if you find yourself never married you shouldn’t have to question why. You can lead a very meaningful life without it - because you are enough!