Hi Allison,
I'm calling in the "just need to be heard" brigade. @merilee @rosemarya @hopeful33250 @jimde @wandering @saltis @rae3 and @alpaca, please read @allisonsnow's message. Let's pull up a chair and be active listeners. She just wants to talk to people who have been there and who get it.

She's dealing with a mess of scanxiety, tired of "being strong" and "but you look great" stuff.

We're listening Allison. Let that steam out!

@allisonsnow, I am here. And I am all ears. I offer you a virtual shoulder and a big hug and I hope that you can feel some extra love from Kentucky. You don't have to be strong or anything like that in front of me.
I remember, for me, how the time seemed to almost come to a halt while waiting for a serious procedure with results. And while I wanted it to hurry up, too. That was awful. I waited for a cancer diagnosis, then I waited for an organ transplant. I know how hard it is to wait.
How are you feeling? are you eating and sleeping reasonable well? Will you have to travel to your doctor appointment, or is it nearby?
I'm going to go to dinner with my husband in a little while. But I will be checking in when we get home.
What would you ask me or say if I was right there with you?
Rosemary

Hello Alison. You articulate just how I have felt at many times in the cancer process. I feel I've used up all my family's and friends' support. It's not as easy as saying "Get a support team around you" - not if you have been sick on and off quite often and still look good and function well. Husbands and other partners often don't understand. I think only those who have travelled on the cancer or chronic illness rollercoaster really get it. I don't know what your condition is, but I am a four time cancer survivor with varying degrees of panic surrounding each case. I've painted myself into a stoic corner where I seem so tough, no-one even asks me when my check-ups are any more. My best bet for understanding and support come from my new friends in the head and neck cancer support group here. I don't want to worry my adult kids about it any more. I go to all my appointments by myself now and won't call for company until I have to! That is actually quite a bad attitude on my part and there's a wee bit of self-pity attached, but it's working for me right now.
So, yes, I do understand. Your beautiful venting hits the nail on the head perfectly. I get it and so will hundreds of others. No one can be staunch all the time. Telling someone - writing it down - all good. BEST WISHES!

@allisonsnow We all feel for you, Allison. I think I mentioned that my church has a support group for people dealing with chronic illnesses. One topic of conversation that comes up on a regular basis is the "you look so good" comments that we get from people. We all feel that struggle of others not believing that our medical condition is what we know it to be. This is a difficult place to be. Another thing we discuss in our group is setting boundaries for ourselves and not doing everything that everyone wants us to do. It's more important to set strong boundaries than to be told you are "being so strong." The boundaries keep us from becoming overly tired and prone to stress reactions. So, take a deep breath, write down some boundary sentences that you can use the next time that you are asked to do something that you know would not be good for you and then determine to not feel guilty. Sound like a plan? Hope so. We are pulling for you! Teresa

I totally relate ! No one asks about my scans anymore either ,this will be my third occurrence and everyone says how good or healthy I look. Next week we will see if it is as aggressive as last time and I need to quickly make some decisions or it is just hanging back. so far my symptoms are not much worse so no sense starting chemo (if I even do chemo) before I have to. I only told a few close friends about the recurrence and not one of them has called to see how I am or asked about when the scans are it seems cancer and I are old news.
Even though according to Dr.'s I should have died the first...and second...time. We haven't said anything to my son yet no need to worry more than necessary. I do think that as long as we look good those around us put their heads in the sand.
Thank You to everyone for there support !!!!

@rosemarya my husband tries to make sure I eat some, I feel as though I don't sleep at all. They Rx'd me with sleep apnea on top of everything else but don't I have to fall asleep to have that? hahahah I am only sleeping 2-4 hours a night until my body and mind can't stand it and I sleep a whole night thru.
It is a 2 1/2/ hour drive one way which my husband insists on doing in a single day ! Makes for a long day.
I would like a big hug and have someone say they will take care of it...no matter what "it" was. That would make for a good day.
Thanks for your note I hope you had a nice dinner out.

@alpaca You had a wonderful suggestion...WRITE IT DOWN.....I used to keep a pain journal and need to start that up again....but what helped the most was a journal about how I felt....about everything and everyone. That helped tremendously! I don't know why I stopped just like the pain journal I need to start again. I have taken one precaution and told my most trusted friend where it is and they should destroy it in case of my sudden death. The problem with being painfully honest is feelings get hurt and I would not want to pile anger or regret on top of the sorrow they are feeling. I will destroy it myself if I get the chance and have already destroyed parts of it..
The point is to get some relief from the feelings that have piled up in my heart and soul not to lash out at the people around me. once that is accomplished there is no need to have a written account hanging around. The only good that could come of it is to compare to life now. Have you made changes is your life better or worse? I found an old journal (3-4 yrs) and word for word it could have been written that day. I HAD DONE NOTHING to change my situation !!!! That spurred me on to make changes that's for sure.
Having cancer has changed me. My goals changed. How my children treated me changed but most important I changed, for the better. I am more accepting, more patient, kinder and except when I implode I am calmer. I truly believe I am a better person.
I have always been a Christian but my relationship with God became much more personal. Everyday has some sort of discussion with God and to be honest they are not all filled with praise. Funny how some things just fall in to place. After my rant on this site the other day Guess what my Bible study subject was on Tues.? "DOES GOD KNOW MY PAIN ?" It was like it was chosen just for me, like I said funny how things will happen that way. Just like finding the flood of responses on this site after I had shared my very dark day. I couldn't type an immediate reply because I was crying from gratitude and my brain couldn't function.
I had almost given up on this site I felt like I didn't fit in.... I was wrong..... I just hope I can bring support to someone that needs it, like so many of you did for me.

@alpaca Your phrase, "I've painted myself into a stoic corner where I seem so tough, no-one even asks me when my check-ups are any more," represents a lot of us, but you said it so well! I love word-pictures and that is a good one. Thanks for sharing it with us. Teresa

Hi Allison, I think people just don't know what to say so they repeat what they think you want to hear. Maybe try and learn something. Learning something new always lifts my spirit. Frank

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to anyone but fell into that depressive "Fine I didn't need to talk to anyone anyways" spot...BUT..as I read @alpacas' generous reply it was to identical to ignore. Now even my Dr. is saying "to many scans" "to much radiation" I am feeling there is no winning when it has anything to do with cancer.
I mentioned how at my Jan apt it was found in 4 new areas and expected that at the Feb. check-up I would be choosing treatment or not.INSTEAD I was granted another miracle. I was asked if I had seen my "chemo oncologist" and gone ahead with chemo...which I of course had NOT done.....my tumors have shrunk...still there but smaller....DR. has no explanation.....I can only think it is the most obvious answer....POWER OF PRAYER. Everyone is so astounded, but why do we pray if we do not think they can come true?
grand son wants lunch so I have to take a break but I will be back. I have a lot to share. I appreciate the sharing and caring SO MUCH !