Daughter has suicidal ideation

This may or may not be relevant. Some days Im fine for a time , but eventually, in time I always go back to craving death. There may be nothing wrong around me but I will once again fall into the depths of severe depression. I have tried to die three times. Three times I was brought back.
For me, being ready to die is like standing over a dark abyss. Once you are on the edge, it’s extremely hard to step off of it. It beacons me. It says come to me and I will take all of your pain away. You cant imagine how tempting this is.
This may go on for weeks. …. And one day I’ll wake up and be just fine, like nothing happened.
Im just starting to get help. Its looking very much like I have something called bipolar 2, Which Im told is severe depression, but without the manic high’s. I didn’t know there was such a thing. I hope one day I will know what it’s like to be happy. But for now , I struggle with this great sadness. But for the 1st time I have a new perspective that perhaps it is an imbalance. Maybe I can survive through understanding, and the right medication. 💊 I don’t know.
Im in between normal, and suicidal…. For a while. So I will try to fix this… until I don’t want to. Till the cravings come back.
Maybe this is her too…. Or maybe not, but I hope its helpful.

tayla, your choice of the word craving is spot on. But for those who haven't really felt the craving for death, it's very different from just thinking or even planning (suicidal ideations) for death. I am not diminishing the thinking and planning, but it is definitely different than craving death. I have been told and I can feel it, it's the release/relief from the physical and mental pain that makes us crave death. I'm am my own ball and chain, wrapped around my neck. Why does this have to exist? It's literally living with your worst enemy inside your mind and body. I don't even get a little help with meds, I can't take any antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, I only get the bad and super bad effects and zippo of the helpful effects. Maybe I really pissed off the universe and this is payback. Cuz, I would never treat anyone else, the way I treat myself.

Antidepressants have not helped me yet. But its still early. The cycle takes some time, so too soon to say. At least the current ones are not making me throw up.
I see people around me smiling and happy. Genuinely enjoying life…. I see this and wonder what that must be like. It looks nice. I hope one day I can experience this myself.

tayla, Oh YES, I too want to be one of those smiling happy people. I was one of them, many years ago.

Hello, I feel your pain. My granddaughter has had issues since she was 15 and would run away, not seeming to fit into life like others her age. Finally, we received a clear diagnosis after she had an episode where she was hearing voices telling her to go and get the babies. She has had long episodes of depression. After being diagnosed as Bipolar she did not like the way she felt on medication, stop taking it, have more episodes and finally became suicidally depressed. She had ET for several months, first three times a week, then twice and then once a week. She is no longer depressed if she would just stay on her medication. She managed to become certified as a dental assistant but has been sitting at her grandmothers now for a year since the depression lifted. Now she is finally starting to drive again and will have a therapist who can help her set goals for herself, so she can build her self-esteem. My granddaughter is now 24. She has started a small job where she cares for babies in a day care close to where she lives. Let's all pray she can continue to build on her life/self to sometime soon have a wonderful meaningful life filled with happiness. The ET did the job to help her get over her depression. I hope this helps you...

urbanjane,
Does ET mean the same as ECT -electric convulsive therapy?
ShelleyW

I am 61, and I have been suicidal for 54 years following a psychotic break at 6. Despite additional severe childhood trauma, I managed to build a wonderful life with my wife and children.

A psychiatrist diagnosed me with MDD and loaded me up with meds. Over a very short period, what had been latent suicidal ideation became a full-blown suicidal craving.

In January, that craving became action after my provider and I restarted medication in an attempt to staunch the discontinuation effects from titrating the ill-prescribed medication.

The resulting anxiety provided the spark I needed to act. I tried to hang myself three days in arrow, each time pulling myself up as I started suffocating.

In the greatest despair, I retreated to my bed and howled at God for 48 hours, barely leaving my bed to go to the bathroom. Occasionally, I would drift off to sleep only to wake in horror that I was still alive.

I don't know what changed, but something told me to fight, and I began crawling painfully back toward the light. On June 19 of this year, I realized I hadn't been suicidal or depressed for two weeks, the only two weeks of my whole life to that point.

I now know that what changed was me. I no longer judged the world by good and evil and instead thought about maximizing what allowed me to thrive and eliminating that which were toxic poisons to my peace.

It came down to three things: the body(including the brain), the environment, and ferocious love.

I actively seek the other's best interest, not manipulating people but genuinely wanting what is best for them, even if it doesn't include what I want. To do that, I had to stop judging everything.

Was the life I have lived bad because it has been filled with trauma? It has also been filed with love. Today, I know who I am and what my purpose is because I finally tried to kill myself—at that time, not dying sucked.

Who am I to judge what is good or bad, right or wrong; the universe seems to function just fine without my input.

The best doctor I ever had was for nine years, sometimes daily. At one point, I told him I was carrying a gun and my briefcase so that I could kill myself at any moment. He told me; I hope you don't with the most profound love I had ever felt. I carried the gun for two years; he never sent me away or reported me.

Years later, I asked him why he risked so much for me. He said if I'd have stopped you, you'd never claim your life; you might as well be dead. Lee, my doctor, taught me how to love ferociously. Make the needs of the other what you want for them, and don't judge them.

Suicide is an option; millions choose it all the time, some quickly, some slowly, telling me it wasn't taken away the only hope I had that I could end my suffering.

Until I dealt with the underlying trauma, I would never have peace. Peace for the soul is not found in a pill. It is seen by ferociously loving the self and looking hard at what I am doing to Myself.

How would I treat someone I want to nurture? What would I do to ensure my children's success? I gave them all the love I could scrape from my heart. We ensured they had good fuel for their bodies, a suitable environment to thrive in, and as many loving connections as we could manage, and they thrived.

That is what I do for myself now, and it wasn't long before I started doing it for everyone I come in contact with. I was surprised to find so much healing could come from the loving smile of another person just for seeing them for who they are without judgment.

For me, what I wanted most all my life was that Lee gave me for the nine years I was with him; he saw me for who I am and loved me even more.

I think there is only one thing that can save someone from the siren call of the peace we hope to find in death, and that is love. Sit with them, ask them why they want to die, don't judge the reason, listen and feel the pain they are in, resist the urge to tell them this will pass, a moment in hell is an eternity, time stands still, all there is the suffering.

Love them enough to face your fears. Don't close your eyes to your suffering. If we want to save someone from hell, we have got to be willing to go in and get them.

For me, I never pulled the trigger during the two years I carried the gun. It took a little push from venlafaxine to get me to jump into the abyss.

If I had access to a firearm in January, I would not have written this. It's always a good idea to make a depressed person work to kill themselves, but most of the time, I was too tired even to try.

Get rid of the guns.

The energy it takes to kill oneself without a gun is simply a lot of work, and depressed people can't muster the energy. For those who can, planning is involved, requiring sustained effort to hide their feelings. If you think someone is suicidal, ask; most of us would save someone who is drowning if we could; just think of your loved one drowning and act accordingly.

If relief from the suffering can be found in a fast-acting sedative like Ativan or even cannabis. In that case, it can provide enough time for the sufferer to survive long enough to want to live.

If your doctor objects, ask them if they have ever hung by a belt from the bathroom door and hope they would pass out and die quickly. Wanting to die is as severe as a heart attack; stabilize the patient and save the lecture for later.

Oh, ER docs throwing a suicidal sufferer into a room and telling them to wait is not helping. It is torture. Tell the stroke victim to have a seat and stop convulsing while you lecture them on a healthy lifestyle.

No one wills themselves in or out of hell; it's not a choice anyone makes because they could have chosen otherwise.

Soon, we will all live in good health.

What is ET ???

I don’t remember ever being happy. I would like to see what it feels like.

very very sorry you are going through this.

My uncle took his life in 1987.

I was a violent crime victim in 1982. I was kidnapped and held for a time.

In 1983 and 1984, I became profoundly suicidal.

I have successfully fought against suicidal feelings for over 40 years now. It is hardly and easy struggle.

I still suffer from depression, but it no longer becomes suicidal depression.

Based on my experiences and my interactions with other folks who have been suicidal, I have to say something that may shock folks.

I absolutely do not believe that anyone who has not personally experienced suicidal feelings, really and truly understands what that is.

To be clear, I held a knife to my wrist and a bottle of pills to my mouth, many many times. Over the years? At least 25 times, maybe closer to 50.

The thing folks just cannot understand is that in that state, you see ZERO light, zero hope. It is all darkness and nothing gets through. People think, oh, just think about the good things. There are no good things in that place.

What I did, was just develop an ability to do a kind of reverse siege mentality. I would just hunker down and wait it out, until the darkness faded. Sometimes that was 2 hours, sometimes that was 2 days, sometimes that was 2 weeks.

Just sit on the couch, turn on the TV and do absolutely nothing else.

That is how I got through.

That being said, from what I know about autism? Autism is an entirely different form of consciousness.

So, while I do feel qualified to discuss suicidal feelings general, I absolutely do not know if they apply to autistic folks.

So, suggestions?

Absolutely number one.

She just can not be left alone. And I mean NEVER. I don't know how logistically that could be accomplished, but that is key.

If she were my daughter? I would go outside the law and literally handcuff her to the bed at night. Not joking.

And during the day, just someone with her...and I mean every second of every day.

The hope would be that the suicidal depressions would slowly fade after a couple of years and she could come out from that kind of scrutiny.

You know, Abraham Lincoln went suicidal after his girlfriend died. And, from what I understand, they basically locked him in a room and kept watch. I have a friend, combat vet from Vietnam. He goes suicidal once and awhile and his friends have to surround him and keep watch.

So, that is the deal, re security, from my point of view.