Newly diagnosed: being brave and fearful at the same time

@denisestlouie Your emotional pain comes through in your post. I am honored that you chose to share your story and your fears here. To live with bowel obstruction for so long without relief until surgery and then you finally received the diagnosis of Crohn's disease. From what you've written here I can imagine that you have done everything you've been advised to keep the Crohn's disease managed. And now your recent diagnosis of mixed clear cell and serous uterine cancer. All within a few years is just too much for one person to handle.

I am filled with sadness and compassion for you. I do see that you are resilient. You may have hours or days when you feel like crumbling into a heap of anxiety and sadness but because of your resilience and determination those feelings do not last long. Is that accurate? Your resilience shows up in finding a therapist you can speak with directly and frankly about your fears. I'm thinking that your therapist creates that safe space for you to say and feel whatever comes up without the worry of holding up the person sitting across from you. I do know what you mean here. When I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer one person I worked with said immediately "do you know what caused this?". I wanted to shout (but didn't) "No!! And what difference would that make now?!!". And now whenever I see her she gives me "that look" and I want to cringe when she asks about my health. I do have family and friends who showed up for me then and still do that now. They listen and they do not judge. Have you figured out yet who such people are in your life?

I don't think any of us can claim that we did everything possible to be good to our bodies. Sure, we may have maintained a healthy diet, exercised, refrained from smoking or alcohol, tried to minimize stress. But for every minute of our waking day? I sure didn't do that and yet like you I wondered if I did something wrong. This is my way of saying that I have felt this worry about what "I did wrong" and blamed myself.

I learned a meaning of Hope that is most helpful for me and perhaps for you. Hope is the expectation that something good will happen because you are working with your cancer care team and you have a treatment plan that you are following.

How do you care for yourself when you feel overwhelmed?

When I'm overwhelmed I write. I'm am also dyslexic so writing wasn't something that I did do until I got sick 2 years ago. I just had to get the voices out of my head. I'm currently working on a memoir. I handwrite it. It just seems more therapeutic when it comes through my hands and a pen. I started it because I wanted to write my story in a positive way so that I could tell myself how I became the person that I am. I do like myself and I want it to tell how my trials throughout my life have made me the person that I am today. I don't intend to make this a public memoir but I do read it to my therapist as I finish each section. That's also very therapeutic.
Past two days I have just been so sad about the reality of my situation. And that is coming off of being in a very positive place for the past 2 weeks. All that positivity felt like I was being in denial. I have conflicting narratives going on in my head. I have every intention to be back in that positive side. It Is some much better way to live than to being sad. Thank you for your comments. I think I joined this group so that I could have a safe place to say what I need to say and I really need the comments. Thank you thank you thank you

@denisestlouie When I went through a difficult time my therapist suggested writing. By hand and in a paper journal. She said that writing by hand would be therapeutic and she was so right. After I wrote for days with everything on my mind and refraining from edits I did begin to feel lighter. Like you I read sections of my journal to my therapist.

With dyslexia, it must be more difficult for you to handwrite your memoir without a computer providing you with spellcheck . But then that's not the point. However long it takes is how long it takes. The effort is therapeutic and it's great that you share what you write with your therapist.

I remember feeling positive until I didn't. I wondered too if I was in some sort of denial and the reality finally hit me. This was when I had the recurrence two years after my initial diagnosis. I talked with my radiation oncologist about this and that's how I got the referral to Integrative Medicine and to a therapy group of gynecological cancer survivors.

I like to think Mayo Clinic Connect is a safe place to share what you'd like to say. I'm going to tag a few people who may also be able to provide you with support. @andwho @gynosaur42 @angierivas1 @plshouse1

Thank you for sharing. I find this is a great forum
Of support for me! I am a vulvar cancer survivor after 1 year but always in fear. Keep the support coming🙏

Sending you the warmest of gentle hugs. You are so courageous and honest. Thank you. But, if you're like me, when you hear "You're courageous" you might want to slap me/us upside the head. We'd rather not have a situation in which we are called upon to be courageous. Uncertainty. It's hard beyond words. I'm trying to live one day at a time, but it isn't easy. I'm so glad you have a therapist. I did the first time around with cancer 19 years ago --- but not now. Know you are surrounded with loving care most of which yo can't see, but is there nonetheless. < 3

Writing is such a constructive way to sort things out and to release emotions that are welling up inside us. While you are regretting some lifestyle decisions of the past, blaming yourself is not the answer. It is not your fault. Do all you can now to take good care of yourself. At the very least you will feel better in the days ahead. Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Hi Denise: I can feel your strength when you recount for us your grueling two years of serious health issues. Helen is right when she wrote that she finds you resilient. Are there treatments for your newly found cancer? Your mind is strong. Allow yourself to have days when you don't feel positive, when you are scared, when you don't know what is going to happen. You know yourself very well. Go to that place of strength that allows you to ride the inevitable ups and downs you are presented with. You are a fighter and you are equipped to fight your biggest fight. Through this most supportive communication system through The Mayo Clinic, here is a place for us to support each other to the best of our capacities because we are all dealing with some form of cancer. When you meet with your family members and friends and they voice their fears to you about what you are going through, can you suggest to them that it would mean so much to you in this time to hear words of hope and comfort? Please stay in touch. Many hugs are going your way.

@denisestlouie, I'm just catching up with this discussion. I hope you don't mind, but I expanded the title of your discussion to be
"Newly diagnosed: being brave and fearful at the same time"
Let me know if you agree or would prefer a different wording.

I think many members in this support group can relate to that feeling of putting on the boxing gloves ready to take on cancer and then next moment crumbling with fear. Paradoxal emotions can live together like grief and hope. How do you honor the fear and nuture (or reframe) hope?

Yes that a good description. Your question is good. It's what I'm struggling to do.

Thank you

It's rather a rhetorical question, isn't it. Managing fear and nurturing hope is a constant calibration. I'm glad you found to the forum where you can be open and frank about both and everything in between. 🙂