Letting my children down

Wow, you are really feeling low, I can even tell in the written word. You are not pathetic and any son who say that to the woman who nurtured them needs to address their own issues. I know that sounds harsh but I had a mother who needed help a lot and I did everything I could for her. If she hadn’t given me the start that she did, I wouldn’t have been able to get the grades to get in to a good school and get that degree, no matter how hard I worked. A lot of people work super hard and don’t have a degree. That does not make them less than those who do.
Please remember the dynamic of equal but not same. Not one over the other.
Please try to find a doctor that can address your meds too, they might need a little tweak.
It breaks my heart to think you feel this way about yourself. It would be a nice place to start if you could list three positive things about your self?

@cte This is a very difficult situation. Bipolar Disorder (were you diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I or II?) is a serious mental health disorder that unfortunately does not go away with time or age. As you know and have written it can be so difficult to work and maintain an income, maintain relationships, and figure out how to get by in the surrounding world. I don't know what to say about your son who said he can no longer loan you money as I don't know enough about his own economic situation and your relationship with him. By telling you he can't provide you with money again in the future it may be that he is telling you that you need to figure out other resources.

May I suggest a few options? Do you belong to a religious organization such as a church, synagogue or mosque? Some religious organizations have members, clergy, and organized groups that can help one another through difficult periods of time. Do you live in the U.S.? If yes ,are you getting social security disability? If not I know it can be a difficult process to qualify but with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and the backup you would need from a physician and a mental health therapist (preferably a clinical psychologist with a doctoral degree) you might qualify. I know a few people who have not qualified for SSDI (Social Security Disability) on their first try but appealed and were persistent until they did qualify. Finally, what mental health support groups are available in your local area? I do realize how difficult it can be to open in front of strangers in such a group but once giving it a try you might find a "home group" where you can learn coping skills and resources you didn't know about.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) runs mental health support groups:

-- https://www.nami.org/findsupport/

Do you already see a psychiatrist for your medications? If so, that's great but psychiatrists often do not provide psychotherapy.

You might try meeting with a few mental health therapists ( psychologists, social workers, for instance) until you find someone you "click" with. Your primary care provider might have a few suggestions but you can also find a therapist or treatment center in your area through this website:

Psychology Today: Find a Therapist:

-- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Hello cte,

I am sorry you are having a tough go of it lately. I think you are being too hard on yourself.

At least you recognize that as a parent, it is not always ok to borrow money from your children. It also takes a lot of courage to come on this site and talk about it. There are plenty of parents out there that feel their children are obligated to help provide for parents. When I moved away from home to go to get my master's degree over thirty years ago, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to take care of myself financially and otherwise.

At one point my mother used to call me and ask for me for money. She had enough money when my father passed away to be self-sufficient, but poor money decisions and having two other grown children relying on her money left her with not much of anything. So, my mother would call on occasion asking me for money. I knew she did not feel comfortable with this, but she felt like there was no alternative. For a while, I would send money. I never asked for the money back, even though I had my debts to pay. To be honest, it made me not want to answer the phone anymore. Sadly, it damaged our relationship for the rest of her life.

I bring this up to give you some insight into your son's perspective (at least I think so). I think it was hard for him to have that conversation with you. I don't think asking for coverage of a cell phone bill you both share is too much. But what may be problematic is if you continuously ask for money and you have not made a plan to get yourself out of this financial hole. When you have a plan, let him know about it. Share it with him. Ask for ideas or suggestions. I think he would feel better if he genuinely knew you were taking steps to get back on your feet. I think you would feel better as well.

It sounds like you are looking for another job...that's great. Look at cutting expenses. See if there are any benefits programs you qualify for. I can't speak to your specific situation, so I am really trying not to impose my feelings here. I found this article which may help: https://my.aarpfoundation.org/article/benefits-programs/

I am a "young" AARP member (under 60) by the way. I joined because I support the programs they advocate for to help people. Okay, I am being defensive...that is me being self-conscious about my age (56).

Anyway, I hope I was helpful.

Helen, I was diagnosed bipolar 1. I was on social security disability and my partner at the time was my representative payee. He didn’t report my earnings or fill out the yearly payee paperwork. His actions caused an overpayment of 19,000. I’m currently in the appeals process. I’ve been cut off from receiving disability. I was told that I’m liable for the overpayment even though I had no control of my money from SSD. I don’t belong to any form of religious community. I see my Dr monthly and we have tweaked my medications a few times. We have tried adding meds but they make me so sleepy that I can’t function, Life has been throwing curve balls at me recently ( 600 dollar starter on my car, 3 weeks unpaid summer break from my job) I have a good relationship with my children. I was a great mother until they were teenagers and I had a bad break down which ended with a suicide attempt. My children still hold some anger towards me for some of my actions during that time but we were able to mend some of our fences. My youngest son and I are very close. He has a great job and lives with his dad. I was embarrassed asking him for money for my stater and my phone but I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m hoping that I’ll find a second job soon. I should be in a better place by the end of September ( I’ll be playing catch up with my bills) I’m going to call my insurance company tomorrow and give finding a new therapist a shot. I’ve fallen into such a deep depression that I’ve spent most of my vacation in my apartment. I can’t bring myself to function.

I didn’t mention that I pay my son every dime that I borrow. The money for the cell phone ( 105 dollars) will be paid back next Friday. I have never asked him for large sums of money. Let me add that I busted my butt and moved from a rooming house to my own apartment last October. God knows that I’m trying.

@cte I imagine living with bipolar illness is an uphill climb and certainly not an easy road, but don’t knock yourself down - your illness is doing that already so you have to fight to keep upright. You are doing the best you can - just don’t give up on yourself! It’s good that you are taking positive steps - keep up the good work!

So sad! I cry with you! As a parent we provided for them when they were little! 18+ years! now why cant they provide for them when we are in need! I have 4 grown children, they all have families and homes of their own and live away from me, I am a widow and have no one near. I had a stroke 19 months ago and am struggling with asphasia, I dont go out much because I might have an anxiety attack. Medications I have tried all backfire on me. I understand the depression, stress, and being alone and no one to turn to.

Ya know... unless there is some horrible thing that you have done to your family, that isn't talked about here ( NO, I am not asking you to) I think that your family has let YOU down. Someone should be checking in on you to see how you are doing, maybe see you and offer (not money) some kind of help. That's what families do...or should do...isn't it? Or maybe a family, not family by blood but family by "Love". You didn't beat them all up and tell them to get lost did you? Well, then. Where are they? See? THEY let YOU down.
It's just impossible to know what to think about unthinking, unfeeling "family." It hits us right between the eyes...painfully, sadly and breaks us if we let it. Don't let it! You are stronger than you think. Look in the mirror. There is someone there who LOVES you and needs you and thinks you are GREAT and working at doing better.

Now get up off the couch and go for a little walk. Someone out there that you will pass by needs a friendly "Hi". Make their day.

@cte - I marvel at how well you've put down everything you've shared here, truly.

As I think @mikekennedy759 stated or suggested, it is a very hard situation you are dealing with and living in. Yet, you have a clear grasp of it, from what you've shared, and that shows you have the clarity and fortitude to see it through.

Your plan for moving ahead into a second job, calling your insurance company, and more shows focus and momentum. I hope my words do what I'm trying to convey, which is: support, comfort and kudos for you.

@rashida said it so well too - the bipolar does a job on you, and yet you are perservering...Hugs Hugs Hugs. You have direction, you have a plan, you will prevail.

Keep us posted, as you're able and comfortable in doing so. It helps me to keep focused to be on here, and know that others are faces challenges, yet see through it all, in spite of them.

@thelmathomas76 - so glad you are here, and I hope this forum can provide at least some emotional support, as well as an outlet to download challenges.

I'm not experienced in this, but I wonder if there are any social workers available through either your insurance, or local organizations that could visit, maybe provide some additional insight into other resources, and maybe even help you reach out to them?