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Introductions: Are you caring for someone with dementia?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Mar 17 6:30pm | Replies (762)Comment receiving replies
This is my first time as a group follower and I am not very sure how does this work. Here it goes. I am caring for my mother. She is 88 years old, lives indepedently in her own apartment, alone. She has mixed dementia: alzheimer and micro vascular problems. She is experiencing the usual: memory loss, both short and long term, and some cognitive impairment. I have get accostumed to hear her stories and questions one time and another. That's ok with me. But I am experiencing a problem with which I have no idea how to deal with. (sorry my english....I am a spanish speaking person). The problem is that she has begun to have problems with the lady that helps her at home one day each week. My mom is accusing her of stealing. Different kind of things. From money to little scissors, peanuts'cans or DVDs. This lady has worked with her for more than 20 years, she knows my mother very well and has huge patience with her and her style of asking for things. But this lady also has had a couple of episodes of money stealing, recognized by this lady and forgiven and forgotten. Though I am pretty sure that most if not all of my mom's accusations are product of her imagination or a consequence of her problems to remember where she left things, it is possible (though very unlikely) that some of them could be truth. This lady works also at my home a couple of days. This issue has become a source of conflict and stress in my relationship with my mother. Though I understand my mother, I can't bear her unjust treatment to this lady (it makes me furious). Also, I can't imagine someone else helping my mother and taking her bossy style with how to do things at home. Not for long. And even if my mother accepted to come to live with me (which she has refused consistenly), I would have the problem at my home, because the same lady works with me. Yesterday night, after one of the episodes over the telephone, I felt so helpless that I even thought of taking my dogs and dissapear and go far away. Another city. Another place. Leave my mom all alone. I felt so overwhelmed that coping with the guilt of abandoning her seemed less troublesome to me than keeping on facing the whole challenge. Today, everything is back to "normal" but I have to find a solution. Any ideas? any suggestions?
Replies to "This is my first time as a group follower and I am not very sure how..."
thank you Harriet for your response. And how did you manage her paranoia? were you able to find out a way to calm her suspiciousness of other people in her house?
Hello @juani Wonderful to meet you here on Connect. I am sorry to learn of the challenges you are experiencing with your mother. I know it is of little comfort, but this is a fairly common occurrence with many individuals suffering from dementia. My mother-in-law suffered from dementia and she had this same problem. As the brain struggles more and more with outside stimuli, the more often it can get muddle and mixed up. Often this includes increasing paranoia regarding those close to the patient as they struggle with issues of memory loss and conflicting memories that come in bits and pieces rather than a smooth flow as they do for most of us.
Sometimes these times of difficulty can change and stop as quickly as they appeared. Unfortunately at times they stay around longer. While I know of no magic suggestion to help, I would suggest you talk with your mom's helper and explain the problem is with the disease and not necessarily with your mother herself. Again, with my mother-in-law for a certain period of time she would confuse the UPS deliveryman with her husband. When we explained he was much better able to deal with it.
On the other hand, given the prior bad acts of the helper, you may want to consider an inexpensive camera in the home so you can watch when you are not there. They are falling in price all the time and may be less expensive right now with the holiday sales going on.
I also certainly understand your feelings of being overwhelmed by this situation and caregiving. I was my wife's primary caregiver while she battled brain cancer for over 14 years and she exhibited many dementia-like symptoms. All I could do was to continue to tell myself my wife needed me more than anyone else in her world at the time and no matter what she needed me to be there to help her, make some of her decisions easier (later to make them for her as her guardian). I, too, often felt like fleeing, but then realized I simply had to stay and help her.
I doubt I have helped much, so feel free if you have more questions! Connect is a great place for caregivers to share and get support!
Strength, Courage, and Peace!
Dear @IndianaScott thank you so much for your response. I would try the camera idea. That's something really helpful. Also, you know, after thinking over the fleeing feeling....I believe it was helpful to think that I did had the option. And that staying for her is my decision. It helps with the"no end street" feeling and helps me to be empowered.. It was weird, and I might be in a similar place in a couple of weeks. But....by now I am back.
Thank you so much for sharing without judgement. My challenge is nothing as compared with yours or that of so many which struggle for several years, even decades. And I am fleeing after a couple of months! Not a lot of courage. But it is ok.
Love and compasion.
@juani I understand what you are experiencing. My mother, now 91, was having the same paranoid ideas of people coming into her apartment and moving things, hiding things and purposely trying to upset her. After a lot of reasoning I had her hospitalized in a Geriatric Psych unit at a local hospital. She saw a Geriatric Psychiatrist who gave her a couple of prescriptions while she was in the hospital and then a script for when she got home. It really made a difference.
Just a thought: Have you talked about this with your mom's doctor?
Teresa
That's a thought....I convinced my mother to visit a geriatric physician after several months....we would go in a couple of weeks. Your post gives me hope that there is something else to try, Thank you so much.
In general, I am so happy I decided to join this group Thank you Mayo Clinic!!!
We are glad that you have joined us as well. Often the collective experiences of others can help us with problem solving!
Teresa
Good morning @juani Thank you for the response and for being here with us all on Connect! We are only stronger as caregivers as a group -- sharing, helping with hints and tips, and perhaps most of all by listening!
Remember superheros only exist in the comic books. Not in caregiving. We can only do so much and I will think of you often and hope you are not too hard on yourself!
Strength, courage, and peace to you today -- and every day!
Thank you Scott...I needed that. Anne (new to the group)
Hello @mtnview, and welcome; may I ask what brings you to Connect? We look forward to getting to know you.
Connect
My mother thought people were stealing from her, but it wasn't true. Instead, my mother was misplacing things. She also lost the ability to differentiate an item, such as her black boots, from black clothing. To keep your mother calm, you may have to to hire someone else to help her.