Will I ever not hate myself?

sadnat3,
I am so very sorry that you feel this way about yourself. It definitely takes a lot of joy from your life. It took courage to ask for help.
How old are you? I ask, so I can ask/tell , appropriately. I will respond back. In the meantime do 1 of 2 things: 🫂your self tight for just 30 seconds...or if you are where no one else can hear you scream as loud as you can, no talking, just 30 seconds of your best scream. If you are not able to scream out loud, do it in a pillow ‼️ I am here, I will try to be prompt with my reply.
ShelleyW

@sadnat3
You're not alone in your feelings. If you look at following discussion threads, there are other sharing their support and ideas.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/when-you-truly-honestly-hate-yourself/
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-hate-myself/
Glad you are getting professional help.
Is there anything you have tried that has helped, even a little?

Feel the same way. I hate myself have never gotten help or talked to anyone about it. Saying it on here is the very first time to anyone else I'm sure though ppl can tell as I am so very very hard on myself. I just live a life of unhappy and sad. My fake is gone. Some day it will be over.

Hey sadnat3,
Just popping in to say hi 👋. There are others reaching out to you, too. I was taught, as a child, (wow, this was a very long time ago) that hate was a strong and mean word. We were not allowed to say it. I do believe it is a strong and mean word, BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I know that little by little, I have taken all of the negative feelings and emotions that I have ever felt and was not allowed to express growing up, and turned them inward on myself. The good, the bad and the ugly feelings have only 3 places to go: take it out on other people, (which has never been an option for me, my choice) let it out to the universe (it's big enough to handle it) or keep it inside myself (this was the only option I was allowed to have as a child). I learned this lesson very early in life and after 50+ years of practicing it, I am damn excellent at hating myself.
Why do we even think this is an option... cuz it should not be. Why can I love and protect my hubby, my children and my grandchildren , my brother, with such fervor... and HATE myself even more? It makes no sense, and I am a very Type A person, if something doesn't make sense, then change it or stop it. Why can't I accept that for me? "I hate you, you stupid idiot ", is sadly the most common phrase, by far, in my daily life. How stupid is this?

@sadnat Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you have reached out to us, and shared how you feel. It's not an easy thing to do, and I just want you to know I am sending you a virtual hug!

Many of us come to a spot where we are so disappointed in ourselves, and that was definitely me. So I had to try to figure out why. Was it people in my life always telling me I was no good, that I wouldn't amount to anything, that everything I did/tried was wrong, and not up to their standards? After a while, you start to believe those words. Afterall, they seemed to know. It has taken a long time to find out that doing the best I can is the best I can, and that is enough. It has taken a real toll on my self-esteem, and mental health, as those old phrases rear their ugly heads at times, and it is a battle to fight back, "I am good enough!"

What have you tried to change the thinking that you have?
Ginger

Hi sadnat...come and talk to us.
There are some interesting thoughts in this thread that might just ring a bell with you too. I hope you are popping on to read what others here have said. It's not easy as you know. We all try to help one another here and to some this is IT...THE place to go to show up as the real you. A lot of us are never the "real" person anywhere else and we are lucky to be able to come here.
So, talk to us and maybe there will be something you can relate to.
BIG HUG!!!

I have just finished reading all the posts and this definitely resonates with me. I had a bad mother. She always liked to humiliate and shame me in front of other people and, of course, always told me how stupid, ugly, and horrible I was and that I would be a "lonewolf." This has made me feel other and different. It has also reinforced the fact that I feel no good; that I am bad and must be punished. Not good feelings. I did manage to get away from her and began to lead a more normal life. Married, had children, held down a good job, etc. Now I am a widow and very old. Next month I will be 90. How many more years I have left is unknown. But still many of those negative feelings remain. I live alone and am lonely. Am not a joiner and have very few friends. But at this point it is what it is. I have had some grief therapy and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD due to child abuse. At my age I wonder if it any use to continue.

Hey Sadnat,
I’m glad you told us how you feel. I had a horrible abusive mother. She abused me physically and emotionally. There were four kids and she only hated me. Why? What did I do? Why couldn’t she love me? I was only a child. When I left her house I never looked back. I married raised a beautiful boy have wonderful friendships. It took a lot of therapy but I learned that none of us deserve to treated badly ever! We are important, we matter, we are enough!!!worth deserve a life worth living. As an ef you to my mom I got a tattoo on my middle finger that say “I am enough” and I’m learning to believe it.

sadnat3,
I do hope you are reading all these replies. You can see that self hatred is real and it hurts like hell. But, for some, maybe you, can spill out, mind dump, your own feelings here, in a safe anonymous place, and find some truths, advice, suggestions to help you understand you, from people who have similar very difficult feelings.
Heck, just today I stumbled across an old post from someone that described how her entire life/personality changed 180 degrees, after a trauma. It was the first time I have ever (15 years) read a description of what happened to my life. No, it is not going to change me back to the "real me" that is theoretically dead, but it did help a pinch to know what I have to and will continue to deal with, is real. I am not sure why it helped. ShelleyW

Our new friend sadnat has not returned and I am greatly saddened by that…
I’m awake at 3:00 AM with PN pain and trying to take my mind off of it with my nose in Connect!
Can’t help but wonder how he/she is. Then I think of family/friends who need encouragement and that call that I forgot about…I better make a note to myself to do that toDAY!!