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Meet fellow Caregivers - Introduce yourself
Caregivers | Last Active: Nov 12, 2023 | Replies (707)Comment receiving replies
@IndianaScott , what a thoughtful question! I saw this last night and spent some time thinking about it because it really helped me clarify the situation. I think we have three big challenges at the moment:
1) Staying positive while living with someone who is very negative. My mother-in-law has always been a negative person but she's also not handling the aging process well, and the constant complaining takes a toll.
2) Controlling our reactions when they do things that don't make sense and damage our home or cause safety concerns. This has been a frequent problem since they moved in, such as storing flammable foodstuffs on the stove.
3) Related to the first item, managing her expectations about independence, driving, needing help, etc. She has always been a very independent person (which I can respect, being one myself). However, she refuses help and continues to insist that she should be allowed to drive, go places by herself, etc., when her heath care team (OT, PT, etc.) is very clear that she cannot do this safely and probably never will again. When she doesn't get her way, she will shout, throw things and generally be difficult to manage. I think we're in a transition stage about this, where eventually (hopefully) she will accept that she can no longer do those things but right now it's like living with a teenager railing against authority, except that she also has issues with disinhibition and anger management thanks to the brain issues.
Thanks again for asking such a thoughtful question.
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Hi @coloradogirl You present some very challenging issues for caregivers for sure!
Again all the following is based on my experiences and I know everyone is different.
Managing my wife's expectations was always a challenge. This was true right up until she passed away. She was always sure (I interpreted this as 'wanting desperately') to do the things she used to be able to do. I did take to telling her only 'honey, we cannot do that right now'. Don't know how often I repeated that, but it was in the thousands I bet! Luckily, unlike your MIL, she was never violent about them. Being violent was the straw that broke the camel's back with my daughter-in-law's dad. They decided for their own safety they had no choice but to place him in a home.
Controlling our emotions is always difficult and I know more than once my emotions got the best of me and I lashed out. Wish I hadn't, but we are only human. I found it especially difficult when my wife wanted something immediately and some other demand was also just as forceful. Rock and a hard spot kind of thing. I counted to 10 over and over often --- and kept an old pillow on the sofa in the living room, which I often used as a punching bag and crying pillow when things got super tough.
Keeping a positive mental attitude went hand-in-hand with my ability to control or not control my emotions. When my emotions ran amok it was super tough to keep my PMA. One thing I did was give myself permission to be down some days. I used the excuse to my wife that I was 'just extra tired' so she wouldn't think I was down due to her or the demands of caregiving. Don't know if that actually worked or not, but it often got us through those days when I felt like I was Joe Btfsplk from Li'l Abner (yep, I'm that old).
Speaking of old comic strips I believe it's important to also remember that caregivers aren't Shmoos either! We cannot grant every wish nor can we perpetually keep our patients happy. We can always do our best to meet their needs, but cannot always provide for all their wants. To help keep my PMA I often recited my mantra of 'I've got the easy job here. She is the one fighting for her life every day.'
Wish I had a magic wand!
Strength, courage, and peace