I'm glad to have this site and thank you My kids [all grown} just don't understand how dumb I can be-ha. My husband of 62 yrs has dementia. He thinks people are hurting or going to kill him and gets so mad at me when trying to reassure that no one is. What approach should I take?

Please tell me what that means.

I'm going to make an entry in caregivers because something happened with my son with developmental disability that bothered me. He is 25 and got opportunity to work on job crew in college cafeteria running dishwasher. When coming back to center he had accident in his pants. Now everyone is sending me emails about accident in great detail like poop running down legs and smelled bad. So I am reading all this and these staff people have absolutely no idea how much pain they are causing me. It's my SON!!! So I worry if he can keep working and what to do so my son can get to bathroom in time. So that's just my two cents in caregivers. I do get frustrated how staff people talk about my loved one. I do pretend that the conversations don't bother me but they really do. I wish they would remember that they are talking about a person that is loved and not an object. It hurts.

Hello @ihatediabetes I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I can't make excuses for others, but can only say you are not alone. My wife had brain cancer and was seen by many as 'odd' and they would let me know. Far too many others would make hurtful comments regarding her actions or clothing.

I and our children simply had to be very thick skinned and learn to ignore this hurtfulness. On rare occasions we would confront the offending party, but discovered this usually only led to more heartache.

Our manta became "too bad those people don't know any better."

Peace and strength.

Hi Sharon,
Welcome to Connect. It is such a challenge when someone with dementia experiences paranoia. When they think that the people who love them and care for them want to hurt them. I'm inviting fellow members into this conversation. @kateia @tallteri @IndianaScott @macbeth @mayflower7 @rmftucker @pearlandpeacock, Sharon asks what approach to take when her husband gets angry with her when she tries to reassure him that she is not going to hurt him?

Sharon - how do you try to reassure him now?

Thanks for your reply. Yes people have no idea how their comments about a loved one is like rubbing salt in the wound. Often they think they are telling us things that we don't know. Of course we know - better than anybody. I can't tell you how many times I've cleaned up after my son and didn't tell my husband. I wanted to spare him the details. It so upsetting for father - maybe even more than mother. But now I am worried that my son will lose work crew opportunity in community if this problem can't be solved. Then my son would be restricted to the day center. That's also anxiety provoking for me. I do want my son to have opportunity like all parents want for their children. My son wants to be in community and would be hurt or he's forced to stay in center because of bathroom issues.

@colleenyoung

I am not seeing Sharon's post.

Macbeth

It is 6 posts above this one. Here is a direct link http://mayocl.in/2ozDCi8

@ihatediabetes
I am sorry for your experience. Such comments are rooted in lack of life experience, and are self-centered. Rather than seeing someone who needs assistance and caring, they think of themselves; they are concerned more with their own experience as a mere observer than with the needs of the person who is unable to help themselves. Maybe, at some time, someone in their life will point that out to them, or, perhaps, karma will roll around one day, and they will ache for someone they love under similar conditions - not that you would wish that on anyone, but it does seem to work that way.

Wishing you strength!

Macbeth

I think some of problem is also fear of being accused of mistreating vulnerable adults. That's one thing I've discovered for staff that provides services to vulnerable adults. Since my son was walking around with poop in his pants everybody wants to point at somebody at fault. It was staff at day program, metro mobility, or residential provider. Everyone wants to know when accident happened and who was responsible. Personally I am not concerned about pointing fingers. But when services are licensed then every possible instance of neglect is called into adult protection. So if it's too risky to allow my son to go into community to work someone might take him off work crew and restrict him to center. Freedom always comes with risks. So that's another thing that vulnerable adults have to deal with - having freedom restricted because of risks. That's why I have to deal with bathroom problems before my son loses freedom and opportunity.