Coming to Terms with Loss

Posted by samcal9977zz @samcal9977zz, Aug 3 9:10pm

Trying to come to terms with loss. Interested in how other folks have coped and gotten through.

June 2023. My mother died. 95. Long and horribly complicated relationship. Zero closure.

A couple of months later, wife's mom got sick. She had various stomach problems. We thought it was that. It was not. It was pancreatic cancer. Diagnosed and died a month later.

One month after that, found our 14 year old cat dead on the floor.
Absolutely not ok with that experience.

One month after that, oh, maybe October 2023??? Got the news that my wife's sister-in-law, who has been more like a real sister to her...diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. But possibly treatable. Just got the news, all these months later, that she is in remission, but with a few caveats. They did say that no matter what, the outside length she could survive is 10 years. She is 60 years old.

Add to that, I was in the hospital for tests in Spring 2023. Have enormous health problems. And have been told by doctors that, basically, I could pass at any time. Now, they told me that 12 years ago. And just because I have survived this long, does not mean, there are not real chances I could pass at any time. Was just in the hospital two times. Second time was reasonably close to death.

I go through periods where I have some peace and acceptance. And other periods where I am just going freakin' nutso.

Had carbon monoxide poisoning in 2004 and close to death for 4 months or so. Definitely thought I was going to die. Surprised when I didn't. Have been through that. Somehow, I just accepted I was going to die...and I came to some peace with it back then. Maybe living through that has thrown me in some confusion about whether I am headed for the end or not. Maybe that is part of the stress?

Any advice would be welcome.

And to those suffering in similar situations...my deepest sympathies for what you are going through.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Aug 11 8:41am

I am in a difficult place now and do not see any way out. After being together for 62 years, 59 of them married, my husband died. Just like that. He was a wonderful man. Not long after his death I had to have a full hip replacement. It was not easy mainly because I had a severe reaction to the anesthesia and for all intents and purposes I was out of my mind for a week. In this country we do not have good health care. Instead of being in a hospital where you can get care from trained professionals, they ship you off to these "skilled nursing" facilities which are the fancy names for hellholes. Anyone who has been in one will confirm this. Anyway I survived it all. Next month (September) I will be 90 years old. I am still independent. I can still drive. But I know that this will be the beginning of the end. And I am hoping this will come sooner rather than later. I have nothing to live for. I have 2 sons. The eldest lives in Asia. We skype once a week and I know he is "for" me. The youngest has thrown me out of the family. I was barred from attending my granddaughter's wedding. I am forbidden to visit them. So I did the only thing I could do. Fortunately I worked for a trust specialist attorney for 23 years before I retired. I had him removed as trustee and also changed the distribution of the estate so that he doesn't get very much. During the years of our marriage my husband gave me some very beautiful jewelry. My oldest son's wife will get all of it. I have always had a problem with maintaining friendships and have very few. Yes, I have had therapy. My diagnosis is PTSD due to child abuse. The abuser was my mother. I finally found the courage to leave and start a new life far from her. She retaliated by selling my piano and fur coat and keeping the money. She is dead now, of course, but I did not attend her funeral. In a previous post where you were asked how to describe your life, I said I was a survivor. As I enter this new decade I am afraid because I no longer want to survive and I am afraid of losing my independence.