SMatthew, I don't know exactly how you feel but think I am close to understanding. I volunteered for hospice during the AIDS epidemic before there were treatments and helped many guys who were rejected by their families to have someone present with them.

Are you being treated for your HIV? There are good treatments. Not going to lie, having cancer is depressing as f***. I'm gay and have prostate cancer and have had the same kind of thoughts as you--what purpose do I have in the world? Why go on? I also think about who will want a guy who is likely going to have some ED issues forever? Etc. These are dark thoughts and I think of the song lyrics: "Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear." This is really true.

But enough about me. You NEED to reach out to someone who you can talk to either in-person or by phone. You posting here shows that you know this at some level. You've already taken one small step. You can take the next small step.