Fear and trauma

In my experience, all of my mental health problems, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, suicidalality and on and one, were the result of unresolved trauma.

Trauma can be biological or psychological, one begets the other.

Now that I have released the trauma, my symptoms are gone, they are not in remission, they are gone.

I am thriving every minute of every day. I am not in some silly state of not feeling, rather I am feeling more intensely then I have ever felt in my life, my feelings no longer scare me.

Every interaction with the world around me enriches me and the joy I feel for life expands boundlessly.

Okay, thats nice for me, but how does one get here?

For me it followed three consecutive suicide attempts. When I reached a place of finally accepting that I was not going to die, something changed. I became willing to do anything, anything at all, to stop suffering,

I do not think everyone has to go to that same place in order to discover joy, I believe it is our birth right. The world has stolen it from us, but it is our native state.

In hindsight I did not so much as make any decisions, some basic desire not to end my life but to thrive took over, here are the steps that unfolded in front of me.

I started to love myself, I realized that no one would treat someone they loved as I had been treating myself.

I started changing what I put into my body, slowly at first, picking up pace as I felt better.

I began to move my body, again slowly at first and more as I could.

In both cases the changes have turned into acts of joy. I no longer struggle not to eat unhealthy food, my body craves nutritious clean food that allows me to thrive.

Moving my body started the same way, fifteen minutes of walking at first, now I have the joy of a child at play when I experience my body thriving. I would play all day if I could.

I stopped taking anything that retarded my cognition or blunted my emotions. At first I went too fast and ended up in the hospital. I was able to reset at lower levels and am now on a fraction of the medication I had been on. The remainder will take at least another six months as nearing the end gets to be more intense.

I then, not with any intention began to love others, I mean really love them.

I stumbled upon a new set of values.

There is no such thing as a good idea that causes suffering. If suffering is inevitable. Then I try to do what I can to minimize the amount of suffering and limit who and what is effected.

This lead to a new understanding of love. If I am to love then I have to want what is best for the other, seeking to meet my needs is not loving it is blackmail.

If I am to want what is best for the other it means I must see them. To see them I must stop judging. Judgement is a defense mechanism to protect myself.

Letting go of judgement, allowed me to see myself more clearly, my wounds and my beauty.

I could then see the wounds and the beauty in others, this made it easy to love them.

As I saw the other my love for them expanded rapidly. They in turn felt love for me and my wounds healed.

I now seek out people to interact with, the more wounded they are the more beautiful they are to me, even people who I once dismissed are enriching my life.

Judgement and indifference is simply me trying to avoid the suffering of the other because it reflects my own.

This creates a negative feedback loop that can only lead to zero, a black hole where nothing survives.

Loving, real love not my past history of manipulation, is boundless. It creates a positive feedback loop that continues infinitely.

I believe this is who we are. We have become estranged from our nature by a system that sets everyone and everything against each other in our pursuit of what we perceive as scarce resources.

When in reality everything we need to thrive exists in abundance all around us, as free and nurturing as the air we breathe.

I hope everyone lives in peace and good health. Joy is yours for the taking, one baby step at a time and the next thing I knew my life and the world I live in all of sudden change at once.

We who know suffering can lead the world out of darkness. I look forward to seeing you in the light.

@almostprairiegirl

It is very hard to deal with multiple losses and events in such a short time. I expect you and your family (nephew) are going through the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These stages do not always happen in sequence and sometimes are repeated. I lost my sister few years ago, and still have days when still experience a stage of grief. Many of the symptoms of grief overlap with those of depression and anxiety.

You may want to read some of the discussions in the Loss and Greif group:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/
You mentioned control in your discussion, everyone wants to be in control, but when things happen like death or illness, we feel like we have lost control.

Your concern for your nephew shows your compassion. But depending on his age, it may be hard to change his behavior. The best think you can do is be there for him and talk to him if willing. In addition, you need to take care of yourself and deal with your grief and depression.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

I just feel death. I don't know it's rational or a trauma response. I spend
alot of time out doors. Although recently with family. Had a day on the
beach with just me and my book and it's the p
Most peace I think I felt in years

@almostprairiegirl
A day on beach with book sounds like just what you needed. Water is calming for me, love listening to waves.

By the way, nephew home safe. I don't know how to not worry.
Maybe I do need grief counseling