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That's brutal. I have never had to be alone for long since my cancer diagnosis -- for the first few months, I was sharing hospital rooms with other patients, then I was home with my spouse (and often, my adult kids).
You're carrying a huge burden by yourself right now, and it makes sense that you're stumbling into the occasional rabbit hole. When you can, remind yourself how strong you are by celebrating your victories.
Also don't forget that you are a valuable human being with a lot to give to the world besides sex. We can't predict the future, but perhaps some day you'll be in a position where you can become a peer councillor for other gay men with prostate cancer, coaching them through the dark patch you're in right now. No matter how well-intentioned we are, cishets like me can't fully understand what you're experiencing, and gay men with prostate cancer really need (and deserve) support from inside the community.
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Thanks. I guess I'm somewhat of a hypocrite for saying to friends that the gay community places too much emphasis on sex when here I am doing it myself. My own observation over the years, though, has been that IN GENERAL men, gay or straight, have much more interest in sex than women and a much easier time of separating sex from love (though both together are mind-blowing).
Your suggestion about being a peer counselor is intriguing. I'm not ready mentally yet for sure but I've done that kind of thing in the past. I was a volunteer for hospice during the AIDS epidemic and would just sit and be present with guys whose families had rejected them, and until this year did some volunteer work helping young gay people whose parents kicked them out to find housing, etc. and not end up homeless or taken advantage of by sexual predators.
My core issue is I just have a hard time surrendering control. At work I'm a manager, in my volunteer work I'm always helping someone else and it feels strange to be on the receiving end asking others for help and support when I've always been the one who has GIVEN that help and support.
Thanks for listening.