Is this true?

well since your asking on a social forum, I would have to say its not that important. I was 68 when diagnosed. Now 72. 6 months after my surgery my wife got cancer. She has been unable the last 4 years. It seems important to me. I still lust for it. I dont even try to masturbate because I miss the intimacy not the orgasm. I cant imagine life after she passes. But I dont fear the next stage of life. Two gay women seem to love each other just fine. I might find me some gay toys. But I am not going to go to any great lengths to try and make myself have an erection. I am alive, healthy, test at 715. I may be available at some point just with an *.

Well, I'm gay and I can tell you that no one in that community wants a guy who can't perform sexually. Several guys in my support group have had partners of 10, 15 and even 20 years leave them after they got prostate cancer.

I've tried to make connections and had some fun dates with guys I shared a lot of common interests with, but once I tell them my d*ck doesn't work I'm ghosted. I honestly can't blame them. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had no interest in sex--in my younger days I spent five years with someone like that who had nothing wrong with him and it was frustrating so I finally ended it even though there was real love there.

I'm just trying to get a sense as to whether I can realistically expect to ever have any kind of sexual function again. If not, I'm looking at Dignitas in Switzerland which does legal euthanasia for those suffering physical or mental problems. I can't imagine having this kind of grief, pain and loneliness for the rest of my life.

I think I made a VERY bad decision having my prostate cancer treated and that I've permanently ruined my life.

interesting. I had not thought of it from a gay mens point of view. I dont have an answer. The important things in my life are my children, grandkids, having an active life, activities with my family. My sexual inclinations dont seem to have as much importance as these other things. I feel fulfilled. Prostate cancer is not going to rule my life. Good luck.

I'm so sorry to hear that — it must be heartbreaking.

There must be other men out there who are looking for love but not necessarily sex (whether or not they're Ace). Perhaps they're home bodies, and don't spend time in the places you used to meet partners, like bars or gyms, but *please* don't think you're suddenly unloveable just because you're on this prostate-cancer journey with us.

First of all, I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. I’m also sorry for everything I’m going through too. Our situations are testing both of us and we’re going to find out what we’re made of. Please do not give up. Please read on.

FWIW, I’m not gay, but my son is, and I have several gay friends, including one that lost sexual function due to prostate issues. All of us who lost sexual function as a result of treatment are in the same boat and it’s not the “Love Boat”.

Not a lot of things make me sad but losing sexual function is something Ive thought about every day since my surgery this past January. For a guy who just turned 69, my wife and I enjoyed an active and loving sex life and losing that has at the times been heartbreaking for a multitude of reasons. Before surgery, my surgeon warned me that severe ED was highly likely and because I have a never give up attitude I told him “If anyone is going to beat those odds it’s going to be me.” He liked my attitude done and still does now.
I am six months past surgery and I’m meeting with a urologist in three weeks to address the issue.

I already tried a vacuum erection device. It wasn’t for me. Cialis hasn’t helped yet either. Viagra probably won’t work. I’m going to talk to the urologist about using Tri-mix injections to get erections. My surgeon and my oncologist both support the idea. Am I enthusiastic about having to inject myself in the penis to get sexual function back? Of course the answer is no but if it works, I think it’ll be worth it. Information on tri-mix here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/papaverine-injection-route/side-effects/drg-20065314?p=1

If the injections don’t work, I’m going to look into receiving a penile implant. I have two acquaintances that have received them, and both are satisfied with their sex lives since getting them. One man is gay, the other is straight. Here’s information on that: https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/papaverine-injection-route/side-effects/drg-20065314?p=1

Northwestern Medicine is one of the few cancer centers of excellence and has put together a program for gay and bisexual men who are dealing with prostate cancer. Here is a link to the page which also has further links. I hope this helps you in some way. https://www.nm.org/-/media/northwestern/resources/care-areas/urology/northwestern-medicine-prostate-cancer-in-gay-and-bisexual-men-brochure.pdf

Thanks for trusting us here on the form to share your feelings. You are not alone.

One thing I neglected to suggest is asking your oncologist if you can switch to ORGOVYX from Lupron, assuming you can afford it. Your testosterone will recover more quickly, and with testosterone return of sexual function is reported to be easier.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out and send these resources. They're excellent.

My feelings are on a seesaw most days. I do OK and even well when around family and friends, and when exercising or hiking with my goofy dog, but then when I'm alone the bad feelings start creeping in, especially at night. I don't mean to be so doom and gloom but that's just the feelings I have. I also don't know how many of them are "real" and how many are caused by Lupron. Several people have said Lupron causes bad feelings, others say the bad feelings are just from having cancer.

I wish doctors could be more forthcoming. I went to a major NCI cancer center and thought I asked all the appropriate questions of the urologist, radonc and medonc but I guess I didn't.

I've talked to a couple guys in my support group who had implants and two of them loved it but one said it looked great but they had no sensation. Since that's permanent I would definitely want to research it a lot before doing it.

I will definitely ask about Orgovyxx. My Lupron shots are being billed at more than $12K (fortunately insurance covers them) so I can't imagine they wouldn't cover Orgovyxx which costs about the same.

Thanks, you've been really helpful when I start going down one of my negative rabbit holes. I'm going to talk to my therapist today about this exact thing and see what coping strategies there might be and what other people do.

As I said to robertmizek, I do fine in the day but at night the bad feelings come rolling in.

That's brutal. I have never had to be alone for long since my cancer diagnosis -- for the first few months, I was sharing hospital rooms with other patients, then I was home with my spouse (and often, my adult kids).

You're carrying a huge burden by yourself right now, and it makes sense that you're stumbling into the occasional rabbit hole. When you can, remind yourself how strong you are by celebrating your victories.

Also don't forget that you are a valuable human being with a lot to give to the world besides sex. We can't predict the future, but perhaps some day you'll be in a position where you can become a peer councillor for other gay men with prostate cancer, coaching them through the dark patch you're in right now. No matter how well-intentioned we are, cishets like me can't fully understand what you're experiencing, and gay men with prostate cancer really need (and deserve) support from inside the community.

Thanks. I guess I'm somewhat of a hypocrite for saying to friends that the gay community places too much emphasis on sex when here I am doing it myself. My own observation over the years, though, has been that IN GENERAL men, gay or straight, have much more interest in sex than women and a much easier time of separating sex from love (though both together are mind-blowing).

Your suggestion about being a peer counselor is intriguing. I'm not ready mentally yet for sure but I've done that kind of thing in the past. I was a volunteer for hospice during the AIDS epidemic and would just sit and be present with guys whose families had rejected them, and until this year did some volunteer work helping young gay people whose parents kicked them out to find housing, etc. and not end up homeless or taken advantage of by sexual predators.

My core issue is I just have a hard time surrendering control. At work I'm a manager, in my volunteer work I'm always helping someone else and it feels strange to be on the receiving end asking others for help and support when I've always been the one who has GIVEN that help and support.

Thanks for listening.