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To move near family or stay put

Posted by beckboop13 @beckboop13, Jul 28 11:14am

we have been living in a retirement community for 21 years, and our children are encouraging us to move back to our previous community and be near them. We have long-term care insurance which could cover us in either place should we have the need?

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beckboop13 | @beckboop13 | Jul 29 9:25am
In reply to @tinamaria1 "It's a hard decision for sure, BUT here is another perspective. I live in Maryland and..." + (show)
@tinamaria1

It's a hard decision for sure, BUT here is another perspective. I live in Maryland and met Joanne (about age 80) who had polio as a child, and was living in an assisted living center near me, about 400 yards. I often visit friends there. Joanne was a savvy professional, lived in her own home, husband died, and has 3 kids. Joanne died at about age 93.

She was often lonely for her kids, but her kids and herself it seems decided to move her into the center where she died. She had one daughter in MD, but about 45 minutes away, one daughter in NC and a son in TX, they all were raised in MD but moved away.

Joanne told me that she told them she did NOT want to leave her friends, etc..social life where she always lived. Her daughter in NC tried hard to get their mom to move to NC many years before Joanne really needed them or was unable to assert for her own needs. I watched the daughter in MD, a nurse, struggle to travel to check on her mother. In the latter years, when one is so old, if there is not a squeaky advocate, there is often neglect.

True, decade ago before Joanne died, her kids were busy with their kids lives, but soon enough, her grandkids were grown, and her own kids DID have time to visit more, BUT they were too far away, AND Joanne was in too bad of a physical state to be moved, HOWEVER, she was very mentally aware.

If Joanne had been closer to her own adult kids in the last 10 years or so when she was completely UNABLE to even leave her room, I think she would have been a lot happier with more visits for sure from her adult kids. All the social stuff she did not want to leave, was gone for her long long years ago before she died, then she was just left with total apathetic at times, over-worked strangers who cared for her during their shift, often not even looking at her as they did their duties..no one family to see her daily.

My kids are both in other states, I am 58, AND I have a great social life, but I know that will all likely dwindle in a few short decades, so I intend to move closer to my kids in my early 70s, when I am still able to meet new friends, and be closer to family so it is easier on them to help me.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know another perspective on this.

I know it makes sense, and who knows what the future brings. That is the problem.

I have two sons, one in Pennsylvania, who is encouraging us to move back, and another one hour away, where we live now. We have been included in some things, mainly at our home because of my daughter-in-law being a real introvert. So it has not been the best.
The grandchildren are scattered, but we do have a 14-year-old in Pennsylvania.
Thank you for being so caring.

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ddonnagirl1 | @ddonnagirl1 | Jul 29 1:36pm

I would consider carefully your routine, doctors, shopping, church, friends etc. Coming from personal experiences our children lead very busy lives and as nice as it sounds it is an emotional let down when they are to busy for us. Your situation might be different but just food for thought!

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1 reply
beckboop13 | @beckboop13 | Jul 29 3:45pm
In reply to @ddonnagirl1 "I would consider carefully your routine, doctors, shopping, church, friends etc. Coming from personal experiences our..." + (show)
@ddonnagirl1

I would consider carefully your routine, doctors, shopping, church, friends etc. Coming from personal experiences our children lead very busy lives and as nice as it sounds it is an emotional let down when they are to busy for us. Your situation might be different but just food for thought!

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My feelings exactly. That is what I am fearful of. Then it is too late and you can’t complain. I like to be in charge of my life as long as I can.

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ddonnagirl1 | @ddonnagirl1 | Jul 29 3:51pm

I spent a lot of time crying because I had expectations that the kids clearly did not!! I love our relationship from afar. We appreciate and value each other now!🥰
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beckboop13 | @beckboop13 | Jul 29 5:19pm

Thanks,, that’s what I want to avoid.

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SusanEllen66 | @SusanEllen66 | Jul 29 8:20pm

@beckboop13 I am 75, and just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. Living alone in my condo for 6 years, has been a treat for me. Now what?
I don’t have Long-term insurance. I am facing losing everything I have just to live in a questionably caring place.
I have a small family including 3 ex-husbands, 2 sons, and a cousin. None can be my caretakers. They are not able for various reasons.

Of course hindsight is 20/20. I should have purchased Long-Term insurance a long time ago.

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2 replies
beckboop13 | @beckboop13 | Jul 30 5:53am
In reply to @SusanEllen66 "@beckboop13 I am 75, and just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. Living alone in my condo for..." + (show)
@SusanEllen66

@beckboop13 I am 75, and just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. Living alone in my condo for 6 years, has been a treat for me. Now what?
I don’t have Long-term insurance. I am facing losing everything I have just to live in a questionably caring place.
I have a small family including 3 ex-husbands, 2 sons, and a cousin. None can be my caretakers. They are not able for various reasons.

Of course hindsight is 20/20. I should have purchased Long-Term insurance a long time ago.

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So sorry for you. It has cost us a fortune to pay for this all of these years, but it is not so great to be in a home.

My husband also has Alzheimer’s, and we tried the home for him, but it was awful, so I take care of him at home myself . At this stage, I can still do it.

Maybe you can hire a person to be in your home to help with whatever you need. Try to stay there if you can.

Best of luck.

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1 reply
walk4life | @walk4life | Jul 31 9:18am

@beckboop13 i think this is a dilemma many of us struggle with. I am 72, husband is 74. We bought a vacation home to be closer to our daughter who had our first grandchild. She lives about 2 hours from that home. Our plan was to sell the home we live in now and retire to that area. Well fast forward12 years, my son who was living abroad back then moved to the town we are currently in with one child. He ans his wife have 3 children now and we attend school and sports activities and see them at least once a week. My other son is divorced and lives about 9 hours from our primary home. My husband still wants to sell our house here and rent an apartment He is tired of maintenance and upkeep on two homes. I would prefer to sell the vacation house because if i am alone i prefer to stay in my current town. Sorry to ramble on. It is a difficult decision, i wish you success in choosing the best option for you and your husband.

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1 reply
gussie | @gussie | Jul 31 10:58am
In reply to @SusanEllen66 "@beckboop13 I am 75, and just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. Living alone in my condo for..." + (show)
@SusanEllen66

@beckboop13 I am 75, and just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia. Living alone in my condo for 6 years, has been a treat for me. Now what?
I don’t have Long-term insurance. I am facing losing everything I have just to live in a questionably caring place.
I have a small family including 3 ex-husbands, 2 sons, and a cousin. None can be my caretakers. They are not able for various reasons.

Of course hindsight is 20/20. I should have purchased Long-Term insurance a long time ago.

Jump to this post

Oh to be 75 again. I'm going to turn 83 in October my husband is going to turn 79 in September and still goes to work every day running a real estate office. In 1995 we lost everything (long story) and we never recovered financially. We had to give up paying for our long term health insurance so in the same place as you. We do have our little house which is in the San Francisco Bay Area. This is our only retirement. My husband loves what he does so will continue to work as long as he can. If I am alone do I sell the house and move to Los Angeles where one daughter lives or do I move to Maryland where the other daughter lives. Both work and have extremely busy lives and I don't want to be a burden. So far I am very health except for osteoarthritis but at my age who knows.

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1 reply
beckboop13 | @beckboop13 | Jul 31 11:10am
In reply to @gussie "Oh to be 75 again. I'm going to turn 83 in October my husband is going..." + (show)
@gussie

Oh to be 75 again. I'm going to turn 83 in October my husband is going to turn 79 in September and still goes to work every day running a real estate office. In 1995 we lost everything (long story) and we never recovered financially. We had to give up paying for our long term health insurance so in the same place as you. We do have our little house which is in the San Francisco Bay Area. This is our only retirement. My husband loves what he does so will continue to work as long as he can. If I am alone do I sell the house and move to Los Angeles where one daughter lives or do I move to Maryland where the other daughter lives. Both work and have extremely busy lives and I don't want to be a burden. So far I am very health except for osteoarthritis but at my age who knows.

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I guess it depends on whether you will need financial help from them, and if either of them would want you to move near them.

If you have friends near you and you feel comfortable, I would stay there until either due to health or finances you find yourself having to move.

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