To move near family or stay put

It’s great you have those options! I might hesitate leaving a place I love for a new place that you might not like as well. Can you do a trial visit?

It’s nice to be near family, but it’s my experience with my observations that adult children might not visit as much as you might think. People stay busy and have their own lives. Of course, there are exceptions. Best of luck with things!

@beckboop13

I agree with @celia16 While it is nice that your children would want you to be near them I don't think they realize the benefits of being around people of your own age and the friendships you have made. I personally would not leave a place I am happy in no matter how far away my children are. I am sure their motivation is out of concern, and love, but that is up to you. Of course, any medical problems or loss of a spouse or partner might change your mind.
You will know when to make a move. I have seen too many of my senior friends (I am 83) do exactly that and many have some regret.

FL Mary

My stepson recently went through a divorce. He is moving down to live in our same town, 4 hours south of where he was. Leaving any friends he made, but as he said it is a short ride away if he wants. He commented, "New start. And I want to be nearby you both now, as you are getting older and may need my help." Simply, Wow. What a guy!
Ginger

Thanks, we have been in this community for 21 years and it is a 55+ community. We’re still in the same house and have no winters of snow.
Lots to do every day.

A move is very difficult. Not sure if moving where we have to make new friends will be worth it. I am 82 and he is 85.

I believed my adult son and his wife when they encouraged me to move near them, but when I got there, their tune changed. When I was told, the second time, that if I needed to go to the hospital they would take me, but they wouldn't come in with me, they would just let me out to go in by myself, that I realized it wasn't a good place for me to be. There were other suttle signals, my son promising to do some work on my house and then having him call me to tell me that he wouldn't be able to do it - until he had finished every task on the own home first. It was a very uncomfortable time, but I decided to move back to where I had started from. My friends welcomed me back with open arms, but my son and his wife no longer talk to me.

It depends on the quality of the relationship you have, but also that you HAD when they were closer. Do they visit every other couple of months, once a year, once every two years, or do you seem to be doing all the traveling to visit? If it's a good relationship, there might be benefits down the road when things get dicier. I am 10 minutes drive from my ripe-aged dad, and see him about every two weeks for one reason or another. I also pick them up and drop them off at the local ER when the need arises if it's after dark. He still drives at 94, but only in the day time. If he or his squeeze are released from the ER after dark, I get the call. It isn't an imposition for me. I feel it's a filial duty, and one I hope to have repeated when my time comes. I understand that some people are selfish, or their relationships are weak and irregular. Families have their 'history' after all.

That aside, what is their rationale? Have they expressed concern over your care or states of mind? Why ask you to be closer if you are doing well? What would you anticipate happening in the event you end up not-so-well in the future and suggest that now is the time for you to be located so that they can help you out a little? Do you think the conversation could get frosty, tense, will there be hahs and hems?

It's time for that frank discussion if you are to consider their request seriously. Maybe they need a nanny close by to keep child care costs down? Are you up for that? (I am just providing an example of how one-sided the arrangement might be, a bit more mercenary than you would like to think). The details, and what you would need to have in place rather quickly in order to pull this off for your security and peace of mind, need to be settled firmly and frankly.

Very very excellent thoughts and advice.

I am so happy where I am, and I can’t imagine moving and starting a new life again.

When we lived there 19 years ago, and moved to Florida, they were very helpful to us.

I guess I have seen this happen so often to friends who have moved near family. They just don’t have time for you because their life is busy. They may love you, but I don’t think they understand what we need at this age.

We have long-term care insurance. That is excellent and can cover all of our needs for help.

I am keeping the options open, and will go visit in the fall to see the opportunities that are there. Thanks so much.

@ gloaming

Your post is very frank and realistic and I think @beckboop13 has
already made a decision when they state that they are not sure. It is good
to read the comments of others. Sometimes the younger population perceives
their elders as not being able to cope with life or make their own decisions.

I have seen this with my daughter and son in law who live across the breezeway
from me but it is just out of concern. Fortunately we have a fantastic relationship.
I have my own house across the way and we have separate and not so separate
lives. I am very very active and still drive and have friends in my senior active
gym classes. I am also very close to my daughter and son in laws friends. My
situation is unique and I am blessed for that.

I have a son and daughter in law about 2 hours away. All the grandkids are
young adults, some still at home, others not. I am very close to my daughter
in law and son and their family....love them all and seen them fairly often.

If we were to move from our current location, one thing I have decided
is that I would not want to live in the
same house with either of my children no matter what the
set up is. I would find a place close by where there are people my
age...maybe a senior complex building. Right now, my situation is
ideal for me.

So the takeaway is evident.....don't feel pressured to make any moves
you don't want to or are not sure of. Most likely you do know best.

FL Mary

Anyway, my situation is unique and I am blessed this way.

That is what I am afraid of. They have a busy life and a 14-year-old, last summer spent a month in France. Right now. they are visiting another country for a month. Also, considering a year abroad with their son .Doesn’t make sense to me.

The intentions and Love are good, but I don’t want to really change what isn’t broken. Thanks.

It's a hard decision for sure, BUT here is another perspective. I live in Maryland and met Joanne (about age 80) who had polio as a child, and was living in an assisted living center near me, about 400 yards. I often visit friends there. Joanne was a savvy professional, lived in her own home, husband died, and has 3 kids. Joanne died at about age 93.

She was often lonely for her kids, but her kids and herself it seems decided to move her into the center where she died. She had one daughter in MD, but about 45 minutes away, one daughter in NC and a son in TX, they all were raised in MD but moved away.

Joanne told me that she told them she did NOT want to leave her friends, etc..social life where she always lived. Her daughter in NC tried hard to get their mom to move to NC many years before Joanne really needed them or was unable to assert for her own needs. I watched the daughter in MD, a nurse, struggle to travel to check on her mother. In the latter years, when one is so old, if there is not a squeaky advocate, there is often neglect.

True, decade ago before Joanne died, her kids were busy with their kids lives, but soon enough, her grandkids were grown, and her own kids DID have time to visit more, BUT they were too far away, AND Joanne was in too bad of a physical state to be moved, HOWEVER, she was very mentally aware.

If Joanne had been closer to her own adult kids in the last 10 years or so when she was completely UNABLE to even leave her room, I think she would have been a lot happier with more visits for sure from her adult kids. All the social stuff she did not want to leave, was gone for her long long years ago before she died, then she was just left with total apathetic at times, over-worked strangers who cared for her during their shift, often not even looking at her as they did their duties..no one family to see her daily.

My kids are both in other states, I am 58, AND I have a great social life, but I know that will all likely dwindle in a few short decades, so I intend to move closer to my kids in my early 70s, when I am still able to meet new friends, and be closer to family so it is easier on them to help me.