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An orphan lacking the will to survive
I was born to a mother who didn't want me, and a father who drowned himself in liqour and regret. Orphaned and fostered by an early age. In and out of trouble landed me with the worst of the worst when it came to home placement growing up. Never really fit in, never really wanted too. Growing up in this situation has given me a very grim perspective on all other aspects in life. I do my best to do my best but I'm so tired. I'm beyond tired. At 23 I fear I don't have much mental fortitude to continue and my biggest internal battle is trying to mitigate emotional backlash when the inevitable happens. I don't know whether to try to give everyone a reason to hate me, or to just simply dissappear. My thoughts are conflicting. I've tried to find people like me but we are so few and far between Ive lost hope. I've reached out to loved ones and have honestly tried my best with therapy. I feel a void. A dark hole. I feel unlucky and troubled with every aspect of my current life. I feel dead.
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Due to such an insightful response the last time I posted I'd like to elaborate on my life a little more since the common populace normally lacks knowledge about fosters and orphans. I feel as if this is the right place, for now. At the age of 2 I was put in foster care. Then stemming out to 24 foster homes and 7 group homes within the 16 years I was in the foster care system. Adopted by my family, then given back by own family, adopted by another family, to then be given back. Child felon, due to uncontrollable circumstances, puts me under a "Care contract" or CC. As under a CC in the foster care system you're exposed to child felons, drug dealers, pedophilia, suicidal children and teens, murders, and gangbangers. Ive seen a very ugly side of life from a young age. Ive seen death in all forms, from murder, suicide, and even accidental deaths. To make death even worse the first corpse i ever saw was my brother after being flatten by a drunk driver at age 5. Foster care was a cruel and dark place for me. You get put in special homes with strict rules. 90% of the time you are in a renovated garage with 8 bunk beds, sleeping with 15 other kids in the same room. No real structure. No chance at building true friendships or relationships. You got your back and you better watch it, or someone will take advantage of you. When I say people like me are few and far between, it's because it's true. Most of the children I grew up with are either serving time or six feet under. As sad as it is, it's the ugly truth. Fighting as hard as I can to turn my story into a success as hard as it's been. I'm just tired, my heads filled with emotional thoughts that are becoming increasingly harder to control. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm in pain and feeling there's only one path to relief.
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3 Reactions@afterthought, ummm, I've started to write a response to you three times and keep erasing my start. So, I'm going to start by saying, it's hard to know where to start. First, I was going to say "I can imagine how hard...." But honestly, I can't imagine. It's not right of me to pretend that I can imagine your past or your current situation. It is a lot to carry alone and you've been doing it alone since you were born.
You obviously have many strengths. But fighting to overcomeall the time is exhausting. The will to turn your story into success is there. Do you work with a therapist? Who are the people or person who have supported you?
In times when the answers to my questions are no one, don't forget that you can call or text 988 any time of day or night to talk with someone one on one.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.
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3 ReactionsOh darling, I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through.
I was adopted at two weeks old. The family that adopted me was abusive both physically and emotionally. Not by family, I was also sexually abused by several people. I was taught not to show my emotions so I kept them pushed down. When I was 50 something happened that caused me to have a breakdown. I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses. I fought those that wanted to help me, would stop taking my meds a lot and severely self harmed. I was put in lockdown for suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, self harm and depression more times than I can count. I went through 6 therapists before I found one that fit. I am doing better than I have my entire life.
You are the one who has to decide to fight but just so you know, you are Worth it. CBT or DBT therapy might be a good fit for you. For now try deep breathing and meditation it may sound lame but it can really ground you.
Please reach out for help.
Not sure if a ten-foster home boy's story is close to yours with twice as bad but it is at the end a story of Light Despite All Darkness.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/10/opinion/campus-protests-progressive-henderson.html
My story of ten decades is three ups and three (longer) downs spanning continents to countries and cities. What has helped -- and still helps -- is realizing that in life even when all doors seem shut, there is always a crack where light shows and it's a light of finding Your way out to Do what You Still Can. Fight is not a word I am fond of, Finding Clarity in thinking (CBT/DBT) often shows how much lucky one maybe Compared-to-others who are often much worse off in this world. It has worked for me; I hope you find your way out. Each day lived less than You could have is a day lost for ever -- from the days we come in this world with.