Does Mental Illness Run in Your Family?
My first time I heard of my Mom's background I never connected it with mental illness. I thought it was just a horrible tragedy. When she was only a few years old, her father shot her mother and then himself, killing both of them. She was a middle child of three girls. When I was in my teens, my mom started suffering from depression, but no one gave it a name or discussed with me. She had a great fear of losing me and as a teenager, even when I was even a little late coming home, I often found her in bed crying and unable to talk due to a swollen tongue. I began to feel guilty and take the blame. I did not experience my first depression until I was married and had marital problems. After being hospitalized I found both of my mom's sisters had children who had problems. There has been a suicide, a schizophrenic, other depressed cousins and more. I never was able to stop feeling guilt when I felt I let my mom down. She had a total breakdown at age 62 and I became her caregiver until she died at 94. I have lived a messed up life in a lot of ways ..... a long story.
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I hope you will be able to learn to live with your pain. It's horrible to live with sadness and anxiety. Search for peace of mind in some way. Do you work? If not, maybe try some volunteer work in a hospital, school, someplace for the needy, in the library reading to the children. If you like creative work, try getting into that ..... paint, garden, do Yoga, join a fitness club, join a walking club, a book club and by all means, if you don't have a dog, get yourself one. Keep in touch here and hopefully we can come up with something that will fit your personality. Don't give up! Hugs, Liz