"And we can't think of it as selfish in a negative way. We have to be selfish or there will be no self to care for our loved ones. Message to self."

Exactly. A drowning man will kill you trying to save himself. Not intentionally of course, but extreme situations can have extreme outcomes.

In too many cases, caregivers pour themselves out and die first, leaving their loved one in the worst possible situation.

When I became disabled by a stroke, I knew that caring for me was exhausting my wife. I dedicated myself to recovering as much as possible as quickly as possible. After more than five years, I've still got a long way to go, but I've taken most of the load off of her. I also recognize her need for time alone. In fact, she's taking a few days next week to meet up with her sisters. I'll be fine on my own.

Of course, my situation isn't your situation, but that isn't selfishness, it's self-preservation.