I don’t know what’s wrong with me

Posted by willowbee @willowbee, Jun 6 2:53pm

I hate myself for everything about me, and I’ve tried so much but despite it all I feel is hurt. I feel like I don’t have a goal or purpose in life, I just keep working and studying to make those around me happy. To make them feel like I’m okay. Despite how hard it try though, I feel like my anger and sadness just leaks onto people around me. Like I’m making their lives miserable. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep myself from making them feel like that. Especially with my mom, who would probably be happier if I’d never existed. I love her will all my heart, but I can’t get over my own problems and be a good human for her. I was waste of her time, love, and money. I just can’t stop hurting people.

And I feel like life is meaningless, I just study and study but I don’t even know what to do with my life. I have no future, so why am I still here? I’m lucky enough to have a family, a house, food, money. Why can’t I just be happy? What is wrong with me? So many people deserve to be in my situation instead.
I just want to hurt myself, so I can feel the pain others have then they’re around me. I hate my body, I hate what I make, I hate what I say. I often find myself wishing to not exist, but I’ve never brought myself to attempting anything. It just feels like every day it gets worse and worse. The feelings are just compiling and hurting everyone, and I wish they’d go away. I can only think of one way to make them stop, but would that really help people? I’m so lost in this world, of both myself and my future.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

Cheryl, Volunteer Mentor | @cehunt57 | Jun 6 7:20pm

That is a lot of hurt, pain and hate. I also hear regret and disappointment. In your work &/or studies is there a source of assistance you can turn to for professional help such as counseling or therapy?

navyman | @navyman | Jun 6 8:08pm

It hurts to see you in such pain and depression. God doesn't want His children to feel this way. Start some positive affirmations. You need to love yourself. God has a plan for your life and it sounds like you have turned away from that. Ask Jesus for help. You are very loved and valued by Him. He is waiting for you to talk to Him.

dfb | @dfb | Jun 7 1:28pm

I'm sorry you are suffering so.

No one can ever really know how much another person is suffering; that's what makes it so lonely. I can tell you that I feel some or all of those feelings every day. The only thing that has ever really helped me is the love of other people.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes: the love of a partner, a child, family, a friend, a therapist, or someone you meet in places you frequent. I even found it in prison. I am so broken in the mornings that I can barely get out of the house. But I do.

I steal love wherever I can. A woman who lives on the street near a coffee shop I frequent always asks me for money, and I give her as much as I can every time. Today, I asked her for a hug. She probably thought I was crazy, but I felt just a tiny bit better.

I try to be kind to everyone, and they are usually kind back, which makes me feel a tiny bit better. This is how I get through my days.

When I got sober in A.A. many years ago, they told me one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I never thought I would ever have to live one moment at a time; it's been that way for quite some time.

Please find a therapist to talk to, even if you use a Telehealth service. Try to become a love thief; you'll get back more than you give.

I wish you peace and good health.