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If my story ended here, it would be a tragedy
Not really a question but something I’ve been thinking about. I used to be miserable and disillusioned with the way life is. As a writer, I have a vivid imagination and handfuls of thoughts circulating in my head everyday. However, I have come to feel sick. Sick of myself and sick of the stagnancy in my life. I’m only 16, but I’m also 16. And if this is 16, then what do I have to hope for? I used to feel madly disappointed in life and depressed, but I have trudged along with those feelings bottled up for so long, that I think the result of having them pour out is an unexpected one. I feel nothing. I’ve felt numb before, but I would at least acknowledged my lack of emotion and how troubling it was. This loss no longer bothers me. It feels as though I have truly withdrawn from everything in my life and I reside somewhere in a bubble far away from everyone and everything. I have no desires and no ambition, though I considered myself to be someone of fiery passion a while back. But it feels like it was centuries ago. I feel like I have lived decades of misery in a few months (or years) and I have withdrawn the way people do when their life is complete. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I have thought about ending it, but never have I attained any pleasure from that. I just think it would cause pain for my family and I wouldn’t want to put them through that. I reached out to a professional psychologist at one point. I told her I journal and she said I’m already doing the most therapeutic thing I could possibly do, so perhaps there’s nothing else to do than talk about the way I feel with her. I found that discouraging. If I’m already doing the most cathartic thing I could do, and it’s clearly not enough, then what if no one has anything in store for me? And I am truly by myself? I have resigned from writing as well. I feel like there’s no place for me anywhere. I’ve struggled with poor mental health for a very long time (4 years now), but I don’t think I was ever in it so deep. I used to think that depression means crying uncontrollably and unprovoked- and I was in that phase too, at some point. I can barely muster up more than a tear now. Nothing phases me anymore. I really feel withdrawn and locked away. I haven’t begun to scratch the surface about my mind, but this is what I can come up with at the moment. I think I’ve been experiencing burnout too- not just academically, but in general. It’s more than feeling listless and unmotivated, I feel drained completely. I’m tired. In every way that a person can be. I get tired just thinking about doing anything at any point of the day and no amount of sleep fixes it. I can’t begin to imagine how people have any energy or ambition at all. I sometimes wonder why people around me are not as desolate as I am? I feel like there’s nothing left within my at all, I’ve given all I had to my writing in hopes that it would translate to something in reality…and it hasn’t. I’m stuck, and I have no reason to pull myself out. At one point, I wanted to, now I’m not even sure why I should want to pull myself out.
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Sorry you are depressed. I am too. I am so depressed there is nothing short of a miracle to help me
Matlie
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1 ReactionI'm so sorry you're going through this, but unfortunately I do understand. To me, it seems like you didn't really connect to that therapist, and perhaps there's another one who you could connect with more?
Anyway, wishing the best for you! You seem like a very bright and caring young woman. The world needs you!
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2 ReactionsI wouldn't be 16 again for all the money in the world. (Or 17, for that matter.)
That being said, I learned a lot by enduring. It paid off in later life, and is still paying off.
The first 16 years of my life were no indication of how my life would turn out. Not at all. I changed so much between 16 and 26 that it's almost unbelievable, and the big changes weren't over yet.
I think of it this way: it's like baking cake. Halfway through the process, you don't have half a cake, you just have a mess. Can you evaluate the cake at that point? Of course not.
Try to be patient. Beyond that, be forgiving. And most of all, be forgiving of yourself. (I wish someone had told me that when I was 16.)
P.S. When someone pays you a compliment, say thanks -- and believe them.
P.P.S. A photo of me at 17, nearly half a century ago. I don't look like that anymore!
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6 ReactionsFirst and foremost you have an unbelievable GIFT of writing and expressing yourself. Most people in your state can never explain so throughly how the feel, you on the other hand are able to express every detail. The world needs people like you to help others, it may be in your writing. Many brilliant people suffer, and for that I am sorry, but there is beauty in suffering sometimes. I provided a link on a video I watched in relation to your headline. You have so much to offer this world 🙂
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2 Reactions"I’ve given all I had to my writing in hopes that it would translate to something in reality…and it hasn’t."
1. Your writing moved me, you write exquisitely. You were able to put my feelings into words. Isn't that beautiful?
2. I agree with the comments about seeking God, even if you aren't religious, Proverbs is a very good book in the Bible to read and gain a sense of guidance.
3. I also turned to music at your age. Do you have any hobbies you can turn to? What I do is I write all my thoughts down, and I grab my guitar, divvy up some chords, and make a rough draft of a song. That helps me process my emotions.
4. Also!! You should listen to the song "26" or "Sunny Disposition" by Carol Ades. She is a wonderful songwriter, and what you just wrote about is exactly what the song 26 is about.
I'll be thinking about you. best wishes.
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2 ReactionsWith all due respect, picking a “good” psychiatrist is a crap shoot. Many, MANY psychiatrists have severe problems themselves. I say this with experiencing a close family member who started psychiatric counseling at 16. I wont delve into the darkness, and there were YEARS of it DUE to the drugs this member was involuntarily put on.
We believe their was an inappropriate act done to her as well as we believe she was violated. And thru her years, she had quite a few psychiatrists. Not ONE that I met, in my observation, was good nor helpful. Frankly, the psychiatrists I met ALL needed help. Their diplomas were a danger to the public.
This is not the exception. It happens too frequently and rarely discussed.
Drugs CAN be helpful. However, in the teen years, CAUTION and Lots of parental and family involvement and observations need to be notated. Forget confidentiality; someone needs to ACCOMPANY a minor in any and ALL psychiatric sessions. If not, find another option.
The minor must be free to express themself even in the presence of their parents. IF the psychiatrist has discernment, they can ask the minor questions in front of their parents about stresses at home, yes, even abuse.
The doctor can observe both reactions from patient And parent.
Depressions cause must be assessed clinically to determine if theres an environmental problem, chemical problem, social problem or an abuse problem.
As to the drugs side effects: some can cause Dangerous
Psychiatric effects like suicide, illegal behavior, etc.
Journaling is very therapeutic as well as revealing. To dismiss it is in error.
The drugs you mentioned will only work if the chemistry is compatible with the patients chemistry. This can take months to figure out IF diaries and notes are taken on a daily basis.
Minors should be listened to for at least a month or two before prescribing any meds with the exception for anxiety and PTSD. The minors chemistry should also be evaluated with blood draws, testing several factors.
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