How do you respond to offers of help?

Posted by Colleen Young, Connect Director @colleenyoung, Nov 2, 2023

When you or a loved one are going through treatment or you've shared about a new diagnosis, family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors often mean well. They may offer encouraging words or make offers like, "let me know how I can help!" Sometimes they say the wrong thing entirely. Let's talk about it!

How do you respond when someone offers a general statement like "let me know how I can help"?
What offers do you find most helpful?
What isn't helpful?
What do you say when you don’t want what is being offered?
Any other advice?

February 23, 2024: Update from the Community Director

The knowledge exchange shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. Knowledge for patients by patients and beyond Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for all your tips.

'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help

Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | May 30, 2024

In reply to @storm6 "Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "" + (show)

«Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "»

Often that's the right choice (it's usually mine), but a lot of offers of help are problematic, as you can see from other posts in the thread, and we have to acknowledge how that can wear a person down who's already dealing with a personal crisis:

- some people will try to force "help" on you that you don't want, even after you say 'no thanks' (most people in a wheelchair have experienced this)

- some people will offer help performatively to make themselves feel or look good, but won't come through (or don't stick around in the long run)

- some people will use offering help as an excuse to intrude aggressively into your and your family's life at a difficult time when you've asked for privacy, and turn hostile or passive-aggressive when you decline (no matter how politely)

The people who offer help sincerely, respect your answer, and stick around for the long term are pure gold. But a few months into a difficult illness like advanced cancer or a serious disability, you realise that most offers of help don't fit that category, even if they're (initially) well-intentioned.

Please don't read this as bitter. My personal experience has been mostly positive. We did get a lot of real, useful help for the first couple of weeks, and I'm thankful for that. I also didn't get a lot of "I know what's best for you" help forced on me when I was in a wheelchair and walker, maybe because I'm a hefty, middle-aged white man.

storm6 | @storm6 | May 31, 2024

In reply to @northoftheborder "«Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "» Often that's..." + (show)

Hello, I will start by telling you ,that I am just starting on this chat -a-thon .so you will understand that my comment was short and sweet, ,but now I know someone is out there ,I will expand ,,not literally ,, I can only give personal experiences of offers of help ,Being a person who does not ask for help, I do manage my life quite well ,but there are occasions when a pair of hands ,a person to talk things over with ,or even someone to give me a hug. would have been acceptable . My way of self help ,is to get into the car and enjoy the countryside ,and some really good C.D' s , I.m here to stay ,,,hopefully ,so keep in touch .How is that for an offer of help .Ha Ha

samclembeau | @samclembeau | Jun 5, 2024

In reply to @dloos "Yes, I agree that just staying in touch means a lot. I don’t feel like having..." + (show)

I had the same experience. Hard to convince them that their offer of “help” is appreciated but not the best thing for you right now. Keeping in touch with emails and texts is nice, non intrusive, and can be phrased in such a way as not needing a response right away. That was my best help. Making me dinner, offers to clean my house for me, taking me out we’re not needed, but it was what they wanted to do. Was hard to tiptoe around their feelings.

sillyblone | @sillyblone | Jan 5 9:20pm

From a caregivers prospective, I would say..I am so sorry..but they don't call or text or even send a card. My spouse is feeling left out and that people really don't care. Meaning some few friends and yes family. He does not want pity . He has really been overwhelmed and rude with his comments. I bought to his attention to no avail. It is what it is! Luckily my siblings, cousins and friends call and check on us. My brother, who has Parkinsons calls my husband . Sometimes he does not reply. I pointed out to him that he is checking on him and that something kind he says can make my brother feel better. My brother is in Stage 5 and it seems so unfair. He would give his last dollar if you need it. He does not always speak well. I think my spouse sees his future and that is what holds him back. So his spouse used a different approach to get him to call. Meaning me if I was not clear. Hugs to everyone!!

northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | Jan 6 8:49am

In reply to @sillyblone "From a caregivers prospective, I would say..I am so sorry..but they don't call or text or..." + (show)

The people who stay in touch week after week are pure gold.

Not the big performative offers of help like "If there's ANYTHING I can do…!!!" which quickly fade out, but just simple check-ins like "how are you doing this week?" (and really caring about the answer).

sillyblone | @sillyblone | Jan 6 11:19am

I totally agree! My sister whom is 17 months younger than me has had 5 strokes that are known. Many TIA"s. Last May we went to visit our family and friend's and found out before that she was going to the Mountains. She would send so many card's to me or a few on special occasions to my spouse. Well, my point is she has a cyst next to her carotid and jugular vein. Cannot get appts. She speaks very slow. Basically does not know anything about things going on at all. Her husband checks the google Dr. My wonderful sister and best friend is not well! No one seems to care! I think personally that she probably would have another stroke or may die..physician's are not going to take a chance. Please pray!