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How do you respond to offers of help?

Posted by Colleen Young, Connect Director @colleenyoung, Nov 2, 2023

When you or a loved one are going through treatment or you've shared about a new diagnosis, family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors often mean well. They may offer encouraging words or make offers like, "let me know how I can help!" Sometimes they say the wrong thing entirely. Let's talk about it!

  • How do you respond when someone offers a general statement like "let me know how I can help"?
  • What offers do you find most helpful?
  • What isn't helpful?
  • What do you say when you don’t want what is being offered?
  • Any other advice?

February 23, 2024: Update from the Community Director

The knowledge exchange shared in this discussion helped to create two articles written for the Mayo Clinic app and website. Knowledge for patients by patients and beyond Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for all your tips.

'No, thank you' and other ways to respond to offers of help

Hold the casserole: What people really want when healing

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | May 30 2:41pm
In reply to @storm6 "Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "" + (show)
@storm6

Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "

Jump to this post

«Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "»

Often that's the right choice (it's usually mine), but a lot of offers of help are problematic, as you can see from other posts in the thread, and we have to acknowledge how that can wear a person down who's already dealing with a personal crisis:

- some people will try to force "help" on you that you don't want, even after you say 'no thanks' (most people in a wheelchair have experienced this)

- some people will offer help performatively to make themselves feel or look good, but won't come through (or don't stick around in the long run)

- some people will use offering help as an excuse to intrude aggressively into your and your family's life at a difficult time when you've asked for privacy, and turn hostile or passive-aggressive when you decline (no matter how politely)

The people who offer help sincerely, respect your answer, and stick around for the long term are pure gold. But a few months into a difficult illness like advanced cancer or a serious disability, you realise that most offers of help don't fit that category, even if they're (initially) well-intentioned.

Please don't read this as bitter. My personal experience has been mostly positive. We did get a lot of real, useful help for the first couple of weeks, and I'm thankful for that. I also didn't get a lot of "I know what's best for you" help forced on me when I was in a wheelchair and walker, maybe because I'm a hefty, middle-aged white man.

REPLY
1 reply
storm6 | @storm6 | May 31 1:56pm
In reply to @northoftheborder "«Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "» Often that's..." + (show)
@northoftheborder

«Just be grateful that someone has offered you help .and say "Thank You "»

Often that's the right choice (it's usually mine), but a lot of offers of help are problematic, as you can see from other posts in the thread, and we have to acknowledge how that can wear a person down who's already dealing with a personal crisis:

- some people will try to force "help" on you that you don't want, even after you say 'no thanks' (most people in a wheelchair have experienced this)

- some people will offer help performatively to make themselves feel or look good, but won't come through (or don't stick around in the long run)

- some people will use offering help as an excuse to intrude aggressively into your and your family's life at a difficult time when you've asked for privacy, and turn hostile or passive-aggressive when you decline (no matter how politely)

The people who offer help sincerely, respect your answer, and stick around for the long term are pure gold. But a few months into a difficult illness like advanced cancer or a serious disability, you realise that most offers of help don't fit that category, even if they're (initially) well-intentioned.

Please don't read this as bitter. My personal experience has been mostly positive. We did get a lot of real, useful help for the first couple of weeks, and I'm thankful for that. I also didn't get a lot of "I know what's best for you" help forced on me when I was in a wheelchair and walker, maybe because I'm a hefty, middle-aged white man.

Jump to this post

Hello, I will start by telling you ,that I am just starting on this chat -a-thon .so you will understand that my comment was short and sweet, ,but now I know someone is out there ,I will expand ,,not literally ,, I can only give personal experiences of offers of help ,Being a person who does not ask for help, I do manage my life quite well ,but there are occasions when a pair of hands ,a person to talk things over with ,or even someone to give me a hug. would have been acceptable . My way of self help ,is to get into the car and enjoy the countryside ,and some really good C.D' s , I.m here to stay ,,,hopefully ,so keep in touch .How is that for an offer of help .Ha Ha

REPLY
samclembeau | @samclembeau | Jun 5 11:31am
In reply to @dloos "Yes, I agree that just staying in touch means a lot. I don’t feel like having..." + (show)
@dloos

Yes, I agree that just staying in touch means a lot. I don’t feel like having company or going out, but a quick text or email is helpful for me. Some of my friends understand that. Others seemed offended that I did not want them to “help” me in the way they wanted to help. “Let’s go for a drive.” or “I’ll come over to talk.”
I can’t really do that now, and though I’ve explained why, some people don’t “get it”, and prefer to move on.
They wanted the help to be on their terms and so sometimes you just have to let them go.
If I ever get well, I doubt I will try to pick up these relationships.
I have a few people that understand, and keep in touch the best we can. That helps me the most.

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I had the same experience. Hard to convince them that their offer of “help” is appreciated but not the best thing for you right now. Keeping in touch with emails and texts is nice, non intrusive, and can be phrased in such a way as not needing a response right away. That was my best help. Making me dinner, offers to clean my house for me, taking me out we’re not needed, but it was what they wanted to do. Was hard to tiptoe around their feelings.

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