I measure against myself only. I'm glad I was chosen for this difficult live because I was the better choice. I don't have children to raise. I am only responsible for myself. I have a high pain tolerance and by now a higher distress tolerance than many average folk - like most of us here. I don't love my life by a long shot but I'm content with less. Many would be more miserable than I. I don't wish this on anyone but I try to be optimistic sometimes and at least feel I was the right person for this if someone had to get it.

Feels like crazy thinking but I can't negate my feelings by telling myself others are worse. Negating our feelings is a world crushing depression into my life.

I think its ok to mad to have no shoes when others have no legs. I don't think its ok to complain they aren't gold or spend $1,000 to have someone elses name on them.

Its ok to use sadness and anger to cope. My problem is I've run out of "cope."

I read the words "constant pain" in the title and it soothes me. Because so very few understand that people actually DO live in constant pain. For some, its just inconceivable. I must be exaggerating! So I read here I'm not alone. My pain is valid because YES, it is possible to live in constant pain. This is year 45 of constant pain and I've let myself, for the first time in my life, be out of the closet about pain.

Self validating rather than always questioning if I'm just a big baby. Mayne its not real. How can anyone REALLY be in constant pain? When I know people dont believe ne, I question if its real either.

This year I've actually said out loud "every second, of every minute, of every day for FORTY FIVE years, I've been in pain."

Yes, be, its real and I'm not asking for pitty, I want people affected by that sentence tho. It helps us all to be recognized and people to say "wow" and let that sink in. I've put myself so deep in the pain closet, nobody in my life knows except my therapist. So when I say I can't come to your bday party, you might think I'm making an excuse because they have no idea. I've not done myself any favors. I'm coming out. I'm in constant pain. Yes its real. But please make me part of your life even if I can't come sometimes.

I think me validating constant pain helps me and lets people see me and feels brave to say weirdly but we all spend so much of our energy protecting people from our pain. I did it yesterday. I don't want my family who all live 1000 miles away to feel bad they can't help when they ask hiw they can, and they could actually, I just
dont tell them how. " (send money so I can hire a house keeper to help with laundry, dishes...)

They have the means and gladly would but can't let myself ask. I don't want to live anymore but oh, don't worry about me, I'm fine."

Its complicated isn't it?

Meanwhile I got my sheets changed last night. Was good.