An orphan lacking the will to survive

@afterthought
Welcome to Mayo Connect, it is group of caring supportive people. I read that therapy has not helped, but I hope you do not give up on seeking help. Sometimes finding the right therapist takes time.

After reading your post the first thing that comes to mind is your past does not define your future. I Googled that statement and found great article with same tile.
https://www.skilledatlife.com/your-past-does-not-define-you-or-your-future/
The article summarize with following statement:

"Your past, no matter how bad it was, does not define your future. The choices and actions you make today will ultimately define who you will eventually become. Make the decision to learn from your past and apply it in the present so that you can live the life that you were meant to live. You deserve it!"

I hope you continue to seek help.

When in crisis, reach out ! If not sure who to call, see https://www.samhsa.gov/ or call 988 .

Do you have hobbies, exercise or something you enjoy doing that you can do today to make today better then yesterday?

You can also text to 741-741 in many areas. Drawing, Painting, Writing, Reading and other hobbies can provide enjoyment

@afterthought There are good suggestions above and I’d like to add a few that might be helpful to you. First of all I’d like to share that your childhood and adolescence sound so painful and it’s no wonder you are struggling now. My mother, of blessed memory, was an orphan. She never knew her mother or father and was adopted by a loving family however I know she struggled her whole life with why she was given up for adoption as an infant. It was that secret that everyone in the her adoptive family knew but no one talked about. In those days no one gave any thought to getting help. We know so much more now and there are many avenues to get help.

A therapist is key to helping you to better understand your past and how it affects your life now. Are you interested in forming healthy relationships with friends and with a partner in the future? A therapist can help you work through your childhood when you didn’t have good role models for what healthy relationships look like. Did you grow up in many different foster homes? We’re you adopted? May I suggest that when you look for a therapist that you interview them just as they interview you? Please find a therapist you feel you « connect with ». Please ask about their therapeutic orientation. I’d like to suggest that you look for a therapist whose orientation is psychodynamic. This means that the therapist will not offer quick fixes but rather help you make sense of your childhood and how it affects you now. The therapist will show you coping skills to get through the bad times. Most importantly and this is what research show: It is the alliance you and the therapist create together that will get you through this and help the most.

Where can you find a therapist? Many therapists post their profiles and availability on a Psychology Today. You can read about their background, their experience, and their therapeutic orientation. They also post their rates and what insurances they take. Their profiles will indicate whether they are available to see you virtually (Telehealth).

Psychology Today Find a Therapist:

— https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Will you try this? And then come back here and let me know?

The human body is an amazing system that is very resilient which is maybe how you were able to survive through the trials you’ve been through. You said you were in therapy but maybe it just didn’t take or you just didn’t find the right fit yet. Therapy is great and for you CBT would probably be perfect for your situation. Psychotherapy is sometimes hard to find the right therapist fit for you. Please keep seeking someone who you can click with, you’re worth the effort.
You’ve identified how you got to this point and obviously you want to change, which is a great start. Using #988 to find help is a good beginning point or go back to prior therapist and ask for their help to find someone else. Don’t give up at such a young age.

The members and mentors that have commented here offer some great advice, support and encouragement. I have one thing to add. You said “I’ve tried to find people like me but we are so few and far between I’ve lost hope”. That is not true. Please don’t lose hope. You are not alone. However sometimes when you do find people like you it is comforting at first (to verify that you are not alone) then you need to work at lifting each other up towards better futures not staying put in miserable pasts. That is what a successful support group does.

I was helped tremendously by psychodynamic therapy. Any kind of depth therapy would be good. In a way I was partially re-parented. Which is why it is critically important to feel strong trust/good chemistry with your therapist. Don't give up. You matter.

In 1982, I was kidnapped and held for a time. Subjected to many death threats...and for years.

By 1983 and into 1984, I became very suicidal.

I held a bottle of pills to my mouth and a knife to my wrist...many, many times.

Really, it is some kind of miracle I am still alive.

Sounds like you have been through the ringer. More than that. That you have been through hell itself. And maybe you are still living there.

You are not alone. The great Christian saint, St. Theresa of Avila suffered so much she wrote (and this is a direct quote) ---- "life is a burning hell, with a few cool spots."

Both William Shakespeare and Abraham Lincoln both suffered from staggering depressions.

You are not alone.

I have been in those places where I saw exactly zero hope. And, I mean ZERO. NOTHING.

But, I am still here. I waited it out. It faded. It became survivable.

And, what I can say, from being on the other side now....

and this is a bit weird, but it is true...

it's brain chemistry.

The suffering, the abuse, the depression...it all creates bad brain chemistry.

And those thoughts? They are the result of bad brain chemistry.

If you wait it out, try some techniques, that stuff will fade some. How much? I don't know. But, if we engage therapy, and some techniques...most of us find that it will fade.

I get that you have tried therapy. I went to 5 therapists before I found one that worked for me. Therapy does help, but, you know, it can take time. And to therapy, you might have to add in other techniques...and, over time, the dark cloud will lessen a bit.

Don't listen to the dark thoughts. They are not you. They are on the surface. You have to dig down, dig deeper, to find some light underneath. It's there. It may be hiding and very very very hard to find, but it is there.

Wait it out. It took me 2 years for the powerful suicidal thoughts to fade. And they were still hanging around, now and then, for another 10 years.

There are rarely quick, complete solutions. Most of the time, you are taking a pick ax and hammering it at a mountain, until is slowly reveals the way out.

But don't think of it like an impossible task. It is just like mowing the lawn. Every week you got to mow the lawn. It's a task. Knock out the work, and hold on.

You don't know the future. Some pretty cool stuff might be there, in your future, waiting for you.

For me, I met a bunch of celebs. Some weird and funny times. It may seem like only darkness in the future...but that is a thought, heavily biased by very very impacted brain chemistry.

Deeply sorry about your difficulties. I remember those places where I saw ZERO light. Not fun. Just pure hell.

But I am still here, annoying my wife and cats and neighbors....

I wish we could talk. You will not find your answers in this world but Inness. I came from an uncaring family but made it my omission to do better. I got an education and became a nurse. An education will help with your self esteem and get you places. You are a human being which means there is hope. The world may seem cruel , and it can be, but it is up to you to bring beauty into your world and the world of others. Keep putting your BEST foot forward and what you put out into the world will come back to you. It’s all about love and I love you

4 Expert Ways to Fight Depression and Fatigue, Everyday Health article

This article may have some ideas for you:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/major-depression-living-well/fight-depression-fatigue/

For 'Afterthought': Take a deep breath and thank God for the cross He gave you to carry throughout the miracle you are living. Do that for 7 days, then reach back to me through this forum for a second suggestion.😇