Doctor Jokes

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Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim."

The surgeon responds, "I know…. I'm Jim."

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Doctor: “You only have six months to live.”

Patient: “That’s horrible, what should I do?”

Doctor: “You should get married.”

Patient: “Get married!?! What are you talking about, with only six months to live?!?”

Doctor: “But, you see, if you get married…that six months…it will FEEL like a lifetime…”

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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

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Doctor: “I have some bad news and some worse news.”

Patient: “Uh…OK, give me the bad news first”

Doctor: “You are desperately ill, you only have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “That’s HORRIBLE!!! But, uh, what could be worse!?!”

Doctor: “uh…I forgot to call you yesterday…”

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Doctor: “ I have some good news and some bad news.”

Patient: “Uh…OK, give me the bad news first”

Doctor: “You are terminally ill. You only have a few months to live.”

Patient: “That’s TERRIBLE!! What’s the good news?’

Doctor: “You see that young blond receptionist?”

Patient: “Yeah?”

Doctor: “I’ve been having an affair with her for the last six weeks!”

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"After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. She said, "Who was that?"

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Guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: “So, doc, is there anything wrong?”

Doctor: “You have Tom Jones disease.”

Guy: “What's that?”

Doctor: “It's a kind of skin condition.”

Guy: “Tom Jones?”

Doctor: “Yeah, it's named after the singer, he had it.”

Guy: “Is it common?”

Doctor: “Well, it's not unusual…”

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Brian Regan "THAT'S WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT!"

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Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now?"

“Give him a headache!” says the doctor.

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Patient says, "Doctor, I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug."

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Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”

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Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."

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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.

“Is my time up?” she asked him.

“No,” God answered, “you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.

After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.

When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Why didn’t you save me?”

“I didn’t recognize you,” God replied.

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A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

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