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Dad is gone
My dad died ten days ago of pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer only less than 4 weeks earlier. He went from living a happy life as a retired man to knocking at the hell's door. He stopped eating as soon as he started to have symptoms. He did want to do chemo but felt too weak. Doctors said he was not a candidate considering his status. I saw him declining day by day, I saw his pain growing and changing with time. I saw suffering no creature should experience or see experiencing. He spent the last 4 days at home. We told him he was going to come back home to recover a bit before starting chemo. It was a lie and he knew it but pretended it wasn't. He did not have the time to cope with his condition and process it. I spent those last days with him in bed listening to his loved music. I could see him following the rhythm with his fingers or commenting on a song when pain and morphine allowed him to be present. I was the one next to him when he took his last breath and I went to tell my mum and sister he stopped suffering. As much as I and all the family were relieved to see such suffering ending, I am now devastated and heartbroken beyond any help. I am struggling to cope with my daily life.
Could I have done more? Was the prescribed medication we gave him correct? Could have been another way to get him to his ending a day later? Will I ever get over the fact of having helped him to die when the only thing he wanted was to live?
I do not have the answers to this. I just feel sad and broken. I live abroad and I miss my family now. Life goes on but I miss a piece.
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I am SO SORRY for your loss! My your father's memory be a blessing to you and your family! Sending strength to you and your family.
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3 ReactionsSo sorry for your loss. Time and prayer helps to heal ones heart. Thirty years ago my Mother died of pancreatic cancer. You have my understanding and hugs.
George
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6 Reactionstbm123,
It sounds as if you did everything perfectly given the awful nature of this disease.
You had the gift of time with him.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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2 ReactionsBlessings to you and hope for the future where this cancer can be identified sooner and treatment is less brutal .
Welcome, @tbm123. I've added your post to the Loss & Grief support group too https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/
The questions you ask yourself are understandable. Sometimes they never get answered. I can see you are wracked by loss, doubt and possibly guilt - emotions that are not uncommon when you lose someone you love so unexpectedly.
Your love for your dad shines through your words. You did everything right and handled things the best given the circumstances. Thank goodness you were able to be home for his final days. You were with him to the end. He was surrounded by his family. I'm confident that gave him comfort and peace.
You're allowed to be that child again. A child who just lost their dad and is mourning, and that's okay. Be kind to yourself.
What memory of your dad from when you were a child makes you smile through your tears?
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3 ReactionsMuch love and hugs.
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1 ReactionYou did what you could & sounds like your dad was good with that. I lost my dad to brain cancer in 2004 & still sometimes wonder what else I could have done for him. My mom died 3 months later from cancer too. We do what we can and hope it is enough. I was a nurse & was telling the hospice nurse that I was NOT going to pronounce my dad when it happened & he died while we were discussing it so she had to pronounce him. Made dealing with the funeral home easier but still think that was a rotten thing to want me to do.
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2 ReactionsI am so sorry about your Dad's dying. I'm sure it's devastating for you. However, you were there for him when he really needed you and I'm sure he appreciated that more than you know. That was a wonderful thing you did for your Dad. He sounds like he was a nice person, enjoying his retirement and music. Your Dad is up in Heaven now with God and Jesus and all the angels. Your Dad is completely out of pain and very happy. You and your family will someday be up in Heaven with him also. That's the way it works. It says so in the Bible. It's hard to be the ones left behind. I remember how sad I was when my Mom died. It took a lot of prayers on my part to cope with her loss. But my prayers were answered and God got me through that sad time. Just pray and talk to God and ask for his help at this time. God will get you through this. I'll say a prayer for you also.
Best wishes,
PML