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I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On
Fifteen years ago I was put on very high levels of antidepressants for what now seems was transient depression brought on by terrible life style choices. Within a short period of time I became very manic. My manic behavior would destroy everything my wife and I had built. I destroyed our marriage, lost a billion dollar business and worst of all left my children without a father when I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic episode.
Fifteen years latter the doctors have acknowledged that I most likely did not have Major Depressive Disorder and that the medications made me manic. Instead they say that I actually have Bipolar Disorder without mania, I just have profound depression. After doing hundreds of hours of my own research what became clear is that neither diagnosis fits.
In July I undertook the titration off of seven psych meds and seven side effect meds. My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years. My physical and mental health providers were all pleased.
After Thanksgiving my sleep began to decline from seven hours a night to two hour chunks sporadically. After a couple of weeks of this I began to have panic attacks. I asked my providers to help with both and they declined. Then I got Covid and ended up in the hospital afraid I was going to try to take my own life.
To get me out of the hospital I was put on Lithium, Bupropion and Latuda. They have now added Buspar for the anxiety.
I am completely despondent. I do not believe my providers really know what's wrong with me, if anything. I have been put into a box that allows them to get reimbursed by the insurance company. Don't get me wrong I believe they care deeply about my well-being. It's just that that whole system is broken and everything is hit or miss.
After more research I have concluded that the insomnia was as a result of the testosterone replacement therapy I was on. I needed the TRT because of fifteen years of venlafaxine, which is know to decrease testosterone. That no one knew this simply adds to my despair.
I, like many of you, have fought my way through physical and sexual abuse, depression, substance abuse, numerous hospitalizations and prison. I have been prescribed more medications than I can even remember. I have had ECT, TMS and Ketamine therapy. Some how amidst all of ineffectual treatments I managed to have life. I was married for twenty years, have four beautiful children (who I have had no contact with for ten years). I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.
I am now faced with fighting through whatever is going on with me. I do not believe anyone knows for sure what is happening and what to do about it. It is quite possible that years of unnecessary medication has so altered my system that I will never be well. I've lost everyone and everything in my life that mattered to me. I exist moment to moment because I do not have a gun and as a felon getting one is not so easy.
I am simply done. I do not want to live anymore. I am sixty years old and all I have to look forward to is more fighting in every area of my life. I will die, just like everyone else. I see no reason to delay it any further.
What keeps me alive is a rule I have, not to do anything that will make my situation worse. I believe the only thing worse than suicide is a failed suicide. That said I would welcome death.
I'm just done!
Forgive me for ranting but I feel so completely alone.
I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
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@cdesharn, @dfb, @jimhd: you all have so much wisdom and insight to offer! Talking about what we are going through definitely help!
I suffer from anxiety and depression for some time, I have been the caregiver to my husband since August 2021, who was diagnosed with cancer. All caregiving duties and the fear of losing him crippled me mentally. I came to realize that just like any other chronic illnesses, depression does not go away, all I can do is to learn to manage it and live with it. Holding on to faith does help. I also practice Dr. Wayne Dyer's simple method of "changing the way you think", he said " our feelings are controlled by our thoughts, so change the way you think". When I'm deeply depressed, I remind myself of "changing the way I think", this does help pull me out of the darkness.
Where there is a birth, there is suffering. Most of the time, people are trying to hide their anxiety, but all beings are subject to suffering. Let's acknowledge the depression and anxiety, no judgement, no comparison. When depression and anxiety kick in, let's analyze the thought and try to let go of the thought! It is easier said than done, but when I give less attention to my negative thoughts, I tend to feel better.
It sounds cliche: Impossible mean's I'm possible!
Peace and love to all of you!
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3 Reactions@naturalebyjas thank you for the sweet mention! So sorry for your suffering as well! Trying so hard to get rid of the negativity even as I sit here peacefully in the sun. My pain and palpitations continue to remind me of my anxiety and daily struggles. Trying to rewire this negative brain without sleep seems impossible but I keep going. Nice to have other who empathize and really get it. Peace and love in the words of Ringo!
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1 Reaction@cdesharn: 🤗. It took me 8 weeks just to be mindful of changing the way I think when I was filled with negative thoughts, takes time! And I still am constantly struggling with my thoughts! I do repeat "change your thoughts" and make it a habit of mine. It's perfectly fine to let your mind wander in the negative places as long as we remember to bring ourselves back to the present moment!
I am on this cancer forum because of my husband. I came to know a strong 76 year old man, cancer took his last breath recently, this is the last words from him to me, I share them with you here: " We are all on a wound clock. It isn't a matter of "if", it's a matter of when. Enjoy whatever time you have. Stay vertical as long as possible. Laugh often and love lots!"
Yes, peace and love in the words of Ringo!
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5 Reactions@naturalebyjas Words to live by and struggling through everyday. So many different ways to change your thought pattern but lack of sleep, anxiety and illness prevent me from all the mindful exercises necessary to do so. Really struggling here to get my life back when there’s so much to live for. Taking one day at a time.
Thoughts of suicide have been with me most of my life. As a kid, I didn't realize it was suicide I was thinking about. I just didn't want to exist. As I got older I buried my feelings with drugs and alcohol.
After I got sober and entered therapy I learned why I felt this way. It didn't take it away but I understood where it came from. The beast was caged for twenty years. I knew it was there, but it didn't run my life.
Then a doctor put me on high doses of antidepressants because he thought I had major depressive disorder. Turns out I have bipolar disorder and all the antidepressants were the worst thing that could have happened. The beast broke out of his cage and in four years my life was destroyed and I was in prison. That's when they figured out I had bipolar disorder.
I have been suicidal to one degree or another since.
This past June I titrated off of all my medications. I had two months when the beast was caged and quiet. Then the reality of my situation came crashing back in. I have been profoundly depressed since and the beast hunts me daily.
I often feel I have nothing to live for so why am I fighting so hard? I should give in and let the beast take me. I do not have a gun (it is hard to get a gun when one is a felon and not a criminal) to ensure a quick exit nor do I have the means to overdose. That leaves hanging and I don't want to suffer more.
So, if I'm not going to be able to die I am working hard to try to get better. Not because I have a lot to live for but to stop suffering. I go to bed overnight hoping I do not wake up. I read the obituaries and think how lucky the deceased are.
I know there is something wrong with my biology and I know I might get better. I also know that no matter how much better I get the beast will always be hunting me. I don't know how much longer I can fight it.
I know I am not fighting alone. But one of the wonderful features of my beast is it convinces me I am alone and that no one cares. Worse yet everyone would be better off, if affected at all, if I am gone.
When I am well I am a high-functioning individual that has contributed significantly to society. When I am not well, at worst I become the beast and at best I am irrelevant.
I believe a person can tolerate any "how" if they have a "why". The beast robs me of my "why".
I hope you live in peace and good health.
The only thing that cuts my crushing anxiety is lorazepam. When I am so anxious I can't leave the house I take .50mg and it gets it under control. I try not to take it because it can add to my depression.
The worst anxiety I have ever had was when my provider restarted me on Venlafaxine. The lorazepam didn't touch it. I never had anxiety before so dealing with it is all trial and error.
Depression and anxiety together are a bad mix for me. When it hits I become urgently suicidal. The first time it happened I had to go to the hospital.
Sometimes I think the anxiety comes from fear of the beast getting lose.
I was on a mix of anxiety and depression meds and also tried many different meds one after the other but suffered from side effects. Weaned off them all and have been suffering with anxiety, insomnia, and other medical issues. I wasn’t looking to get back on other prescriptions but now I might be forced to. I thought the worst anxiety I ever had was before Christmas when I allowed my Psychiatrist to convince me to enter a mental health facility but this is ridiculous! Can’t even think straight or go out except to go to the dr. Anxiety is a beast that’s surely crippling my body and soul.
I have been on and off Lorazepam for years. I have found that using it for anxiety when I have it and stopping when I don't has worked out okay. What works best for my anxiety is exercising every day.
Then again most of my anxiety has been situational, at least in the past. We'll see what happens this time.
I do not like medications. I know I was on too many last June. I also know I came off them too fast. Now I have to go back on them to stabilize and then try to titrate them again. So far I am not stable.
Sometimes meds work. Sometimes they don't. It is all trial and error. If a medication works I take it. If it doesn't or the side effects are intolerable I look for something else.
I always exercise and try to eat a healthful diet. The time I spend exercising is the best part of my day. For two hours I don't think about the beast.
I hope you find peace and good health.
Mine was situational and now I just feel stuck this way. I got sick while at the facility and can’t seem to recover. Whether it’s from the combination of meds, anxiety, depression, shock, side effects, haven’t quite figured it out yet. My exercise right now is just walking my dog since I’m so out of shape and lost so much weight it weakened me. Meditating every morning, therapy, trying to eat right. Guess it’ll just take a while to get my mind straight.
I wish the same to you as well