There Comes Things in Life You Can Only Learn in a Storm

I'm so sorry that your life has taken such a dark turn. I have dogs who have given me so many kinds of emotional support over the years I don't know what I'd do without them. None of them are service dogs, In fact, I'm probably more of their service person. But during the night they are there warm beside me. I walk them on nice days and they are with me always whatever I'm doing. Allison, who was the runt of the litter, is now streaked with light gray paint from hanging out with me while I repainted a room. Bear has been digging up mole tunnels. Sadly that doesn't seem to discourage the moles. Poor Tristan is so nervous and fearful that he starts trembling at the slightest things which lets me feel useful as I comfort him. Even my poorly trained mutts are wonderful comfort animals.

My daughter has post covid problems which cause her to unexpectedly loose her balance sometimes. Before she became she had a golden retriever who has now taken on a service dog roll. She has a golden retriever and steadies her so she doesn't fall. The dog has no formal training but fills the service dog roll instinctively. I know my daughter is very sad about the unhappy turn her life is taking but her dog has made a huge positive change.

I know that having a dog doesn't solve anything but they are a great comfort and, unlike humans, they don't hold grudges and they know when you're having a hard time and respond. A mutt that is always thrilled to see you, no matter what, is huge for me.

malo

I have an emotional support Yorkie who I trained myself and she’s almost like another child. I have 2 grown sons, with one married and moved away and the other who estranged himself. Friends come and go and I also lost a lifelong friend who was very self centered as every conversation had to be about her and her relationships. So I got sick and tired of it. Allie is almost 9 now and she understands everything I say and all of my emotions. She even communicates all of her needs sort of like her own sign language. I love spoiling her, she sleeps in the bed and is able to go everywhere with me. Dogs give you unconditional love and you’re never alone. I would highly recommend a pet companion as well. Dogs are better than people a lot of the time. I offer you peace and love

Frances,
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I understand. Most of my friends have taken a hike since I have been sick for two years. I’m not fun anymore. I can’t get out and do the things we did in the past.
I guess I understand. Life goes on, even when we can’t.

I have also considered suicide, but my husband and family would never recover if I went that route.
I am only depressed about my health. I keep praying that something will come along to help me. I want to still be here if that happens.

On dogs.....It’s a big commitment, and I would say it depends on how debilitated you are from your health issues. A puppy who will chew everything, and will need house training may be more than you can handle. An older rescue dog may have behavioral issues. As a dog owner my whole life, I understand the benefits of a sweet companion, but be realistic about what you can handle.

Thank you. I actually submitted an application for a service animal, a hearing dog, and was accepted into the program. Later, I decided that I will only get another dog when I can give the animal 100 percent, which I am unable to do presently. Maybe soon, or not.
My suicide thoughts are related to the tremendous amount of pain that I wake up to everyday; I call it my alarm clock. Unless my doctor precribes something like fentanyl, which I was on for more than MANY years, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. "Oh, no, there are black box warnings......." I wore these patches, changing them every 2 days because I used to have a GOOD DOCTOR who unfortunately left Sutter once they transitioned to computerized notes etc. He had been my PCP for years, understood chronic pain and was very sympathetic. Think: old Jewish grandfather type.
I know that my family would be "upset" if I were to take my life; however, I also think on some level they would be "glad." One sister has already extracted me from her life because she thinks I am a freak, having had 2 ten year relationships with women, both of which ended disastrously. My other sister in such deep denial about my health and that of her husband's dementia, that I can longer discuss anything of importance with her, other than that she constantly reminds me of the poor choices I have made in my life. Sometimes when she brings my past up, it is all I can do to say, "well, look at your husband and what he did to me when I was 12 and had to go tell my mother that he needed to stay away from me." She knows. However, I do not pull these things out of my back pocket, but with the more frequency that she says these things, I feel I want to remind her, but won't. I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes, lacked judgment in terms of those I chose to have relationships with. But it does me no use to look back upon my life and think of all the bad things, and choose to remember the great times I enjoyed with these women even though they were both heavily damaged, and took great financial advantage of me, thus my sole source of income is Social Security Disability. At the very least, I had a great job, and my income is doable, kind of .
At least I am out of denial about my clothing, and will make some very nice I am clearing out my closet and will make donations today. It was actually cleansing to finally get rid of these clothes that have no fit for years. I can't believe I have lost 6 inches in my waist! I could sell this stuff on Poshmark, but walking to the post office multiple times a week is not something I want to do.
I will discuss all of this with my psychologist on Wednesday. She wants to start some new kind of treatment, EMDR therapy. Is anyone familiar? Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Your kindness makes all the difference in my day, even though I do not know you, your circumstances; yet we are connected because we both understand how REAL PAIN can impact one's overall outlook. Best to you

I’m the same with my clothes. I’ve lost thirty pounds and only wear things that were too tight for me before my illness.
I’ve had people congratulate me on weight loss!! Clueless.
I’m too dizzy to deal with my closet. I hope someday to be able to get it cleared out.

I’m sorry for your estrangement from family. I have some of that too. It seems relationships should be easier as we get older and hopefully wiser, but I have not found that to be true.

I ‘d like to be able to give some positive feedback to comfort you, but all I can say is I understand and wish you well.

@frances007 I have had some EMDR therapy a long time ago. I had gone through surgery for carpal tunnel and didn't have time to do sessions of EMDR before it to try to calm my fears and PTSD, so I had clinical hypnosis that helped me a lot. After that we did some EMDR. It is a way to treat PTSD. PTSD can also be treated with music therapy. I know someone who helps post combat veterans with a camp where they pair the veteran with a musician and together they compose and perform a song about the veteran's experiences.

EMDR uses rapid eye movements to simulate the REM period of sleep when you re processing emotional memories. The therapist held a feather that she moved back and forth which I followed with my eyes while she asked me questions. It did help, but it didn't cure my fear entirely.

When I needed some major surgery later in life, I had a lot of anxiety, but was able to figure out the source of the fear and deprogram it. Maybe EMDR helped me do that by understanding the process, as EMDR can trigger a memory later.

Jennifer

Dear Frances,

Wish I could give you a hug. I’m so so very sorry for how you feel failed by those you hoped would be there for you and for the severe losses you suffer.

Firstly, it might seem like an option. But it is an act of desperation. If you think you would do or contemplate this, tell your therapist. I don’t know how you feel about this, but how about calling clergy for support? It’s a thought.

I have been in the very darkness that made me want to hurt myself long time ago. It happens when people feel they don’t have a choice, like you said are sick, ill, depressed…serious and potentially deadly. You said “yet”. That scares me. To feel that badly, maybe speak up and be counted. These people that took all those years…Its time to pony up. I’d call them and tell them you need to talk and be firm. Tell them how dark things are for you and that it’s serious because Frances, it is. For them to turn you away or dismiss you is not acceptable. Your reserve tanks need a filling and these ‘friends’ need to be aware so they can actually do something to help you. They need to and should. If heaven forbid something happened to you!

Please do not make a decision that is permanent for a situation that is temporary.

I’ve been grappling with trying to keep depression at bay. To keep thoughts about death, thinking wow I would not hurt anymore. But I have reasons to stay. I have chronic pain. My nerves and muscles are revolting leaving me unable to take care of myself as I should. Anyway, I had been thinking as you that the pain gets to be so unbearable how con we survive through it? How much howling does a person need to do before help comes? It’s just been lacking. It’s just hard being in this head and body alone. Even though I’m not. When we have pain, it’s really hard for anyone without it to comprehend it. Or empathize.

These people need a lesson in compassion. Don’t overthink it. Why not try and make those difficult calls? I’m wishing I could help you in some way. I’m so sorry you feel the way you do and wish I could take away some of the loneliness you are feeling.

❤️

I feel for your situation. It isn’t easy at all.

Thank you. I made three trips to the Cancer Society this morning unloading a ton of stuff that I no longer need, no longer can wear and things of that nature. Even though I could have made a mint on all of my clothing and shoes, I just wanted to get rid of it, thinking, "now my sister will not have the added stress of dealing with all my crap later. Besides that, I don't need 50 pairs of shoes or pants that have a waist that is now 6 inches larger than what it measures now.
I can't figure people out at all, and have decided to simply keep to myself, not reach out and continue to do those things that make me happy, like art, woodworking and things of that nature. I will discuss all of this on Wednesday with the psychologist. I am no despondent, just angry and astonished at the lack of humanity everywhere I turn, except for my friend who has dementia. Even though our relationship is essentially "empty" I do feel better when I am around her because I know she cares about me. That being said, I have decided to step back from being my sister's cheerleader in terms of her husband's dementia because she has taken the stance of "I am not going to think about it." She was told last week he is ready for a wheelchair, she freaked out, I sent her all kind of positive information which she chose to trash. Fine. If she wants to sit around and feel sorry for herself and not reach out, that is on her and not me. I have nothing left to give to my family. They were never there for me, so why should I expend this energy when I could be using it for myself.
I am sorry. I did not mean to give anyone the impression that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am simply angry at the entire world right now and it will just take some time to work though this. I expected this to happen once I stopped being a caregiver and was forced to take my own situation a little more seriously, and this has not been easy by any stretch of imagination. Thank you to all for your ongoing support and kindness

Hi Frances!
I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time in life! You seem to be a very nice intelligent person. Maybe you are too intelligent and nice for all of those people who have not been so good to you recently. Perhaps you should start everything new. New acquaintances who are hopefully, more pleasant, new habits or just clean something in your apartment that hasn't been cleaned in a while; wash the windows or the walls. It's amazing how fulfilling cleaning can be when you see the final results. Also do things that you really enjoy such as reading a really interesting book etc. It sounds like you already make beautiful things so make more of them. Have you tried selling them online? Forget the "bad" people in your life and don't even call them.

I have a similar situation with my cousin who lives in New York. (I live in Washington State.) She won't say anything nice in an email if she answers my emails at all. I got to the point that I was making an effort to not mention certain subjects that she didn't agree with me on such as politics and religion. Finally I just wrote what I felt; in a polite way but still firm. I felt so much better!
My husband and I have younger neighbors who don't like older, white people which is what we are. (I'm 77 and my husband is 82.) They won't speak to us even though we tried to be friendly. So, we just ignore them when we are out gardening in our yard. If they say, "Hello." we do respond since we have manners. But not much more than that.
The person who mentioned how loving dogs are is so right! So are cats! Maybe getting a pet would help.

Also pray about this and tell God what you want your life to be like and how you feel. He's good at straightening things out! God will make certain that you have no more tears! I'll say a prayer for you also.

I wish you the best!
PML

Thank you. You are not the first person to tell me I am "too kind." I probably am, as well as too forgiving. I know why I am this way, as it in direct response to the way I was raised, and I have made it my mission in life to be as kind as possible, as forgiving as possible, even when such feelings have not been warranted. I realize I need to change this, because what happens is that many in my life know my personality, and tend to take advantage of it, for lack of a better word. Maybe I do not have to try so hard.
I am working on making new friends etc., and this has been very refreshing. However, at the same time, I miss the connection with those I have knows more than half my life, who still keep in touch when they want to. Coincidentally, I was looking at a letter I had written to a college friend last month, but forgot to mail. I had mailed her a lovely Christmas gift and never heard back....typical. I try not to have expectations, but I also know that this person has no time in her life for me, she has made this clear. "I have a busy life, and I live life to the fullest, and your letters are too long for me to read." Initially I was stung by this response, just for the fact we had always been like sisters, and because we had lost track of each other over the years, she did not want to try to renew our friendship. Fine. It is a bit disheartening, as I have a picture of the two of us on my desk, and when I look at it, I look so happy and healthy, a stranger now.

I am constantly cleaning my apartment and told my psychologist that cleaning is a kind of a meditation for me, especially when I am listening to music. Also, I have started my woodworking projects again, and this has been very fulfilling in terms of feeling a sense of accomplishment. I am working on my art like a madwoman, in preparation for a craft fair next month where my sister lives, something I did last year and made a decent amount of money.

I know I have it better than most and am very grateful. But lately it feels like something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. I suppose it has something to do with my best friend and her dementia, not remembering the richness of our friendship, or anything for that matter. We used to have such great conversations, and while she often has lucid moments, they are getting fewer and farther between. I miss her.

I will get through this, probably kicking and screaming. I have always envied those who have found comfort in "God." I was not raised in a religious family, and my mother taught me different things to believe in, such as "myself" etc. Isn't is strange how people don't talk to anyone anymore like in the past? I am always saying "hello" to strangers I pass during my day, often striking up a conversation, and generally they seem surprised that I am taking the time to do so. I think our world has changed in this regard, and I often tell my friend that I am glad I will not be around for the next generation because I do not like the direction the way the world is going: no humanity.

Thank you for your prayers, I appreciate them and you very much.