I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On

Thank you for your words of support, they help!

Sou nova aqui, não falo inglês muito bem, mas não posso me conter ao ler seu relato tão genuíno e visceral do quanto há de desesperança dentro da gente em algumas etapas crucias de nossa jornada. Desespero a gente aguenta melhor, mas desesperança... é mesmo desafiador demais. Eu percebo que se sente só, como se algo tivesse dado errado lá atrás e tornado você "damaged goods": não penso desse modo, embora admita conhecer esse sentimento de desolação, em que parece que tudo é irreversível e determinante do que ha por vir. Estando no escuro, a coisa mais difícil é encontrar onde estão os fósforos para, acendendo uma vela, bastar aquela chama para que tudo fique nítido, ainda que escuro. Dê a chance de algo pequeno, como a chama dessa vela, representar um movimento positivo, inédito. Não tenho ideia do que lhe chama a alma, mas voluntariado, pintura, fotografar a natureza... não sei. É pessoal. Mas desse pequeno movimento, como ao se matricular em algum curso, terá mais clareza do entorno e perceberá que, como disse Jung (fã de Nietzsche): Não sou aquilo que me aconteceu: sou o que decido me tornar a partir daquilo que me aconteceu. Você pode relatar uma história que termina assim, desoladora. Ou dar mais um passo e ser heróico, pois está difícil aparentemente. Basta a chama de uma pequena vela para tudo ficar mais claro. De um pequeno passo, ainda que sem muita certeza. Ele pode ser o primeiro de um homem que reside aí e tem ainda muito a aprender e ensinar.

Me again. I relate to much of what you say. I started rating my days at the recommendation of a counselor in a suicide watch home. Ten for me would be the best day of my life. From 4 down it's increasing levels of suicidality. I was 4 or below for 7 or 8 years. It took that long for me to be able to say that suicidal thoughts were only in the back of my mind, not always in my face. It took another two years to make it to 6, and that's my new 10.

Right now I'm dealing with the pain of spontaneous bilateral Achilles tendon ruptures. Boots on both legs. It's moved me down a notch, which is not surprising. It's so frustrating not to be able to do anything. I'm missing all of the late fall and winter yardwork. And I could be down for spring and into summer because I think I'm going to have to have surgery on both tendons. The orthopedist has been having me do the non surgical option for two months now and I can still feel the gap between the ends of the torn tendons.

Life is most unpredictable!

I'm glad that you have learned that there are observable causes of the way you've felt for so many years. Knowledge like that is really helpful for me. I wasn't thrilled when a therapist answered my question, "How long will I be dealing with PTSD and need a service dog?" with 6 words: "For the rest of your life". But in time, realizing that helped me come to terms with my mental health challenges. It's like, okay, this is my life; this is the way my life will be; I'll plan to take antidepressants for the rest of my life. I think having that knowledge put things in perspective and gave me a level of understanding what life would look like going forward. I've maintained a 6 now for around 5 years, with dips along the way, and I am okay with that.

You aren't a bad person because you have suicidal thoughts. You're a good man with diagnosable things that contribute to those thoughts. Maybe as that way of thinking grows, it will help you give yourself some grace.

I believe in you.

Jim

@jimhd Thank you for sharing that. “This my life” reminds me of a session I had with my counselor. I was sharing with her how much I miss being able to do things, the “healthier” version I used to be. She provided a good piece of advice: Mourn for that person I used to be and miss.
That was helpful in realizing my new normal in life. Being imperfect, of course I have relapses and then I remember what she told me.
Hang in there Jim & everyone. Life can be very difficult. I am reminded it is a precious gift.

You are all so remarkable! Thank you for the support!

I am tired and wish my life would end soon

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please , talk to someone, a counselor, a hotline, a close friend , about how you feel..
Please try to get help from your Dr. or a counselor, etc..
There will be better days..

Why do you feel this way?

I feel this way with Dr fatigue and the need to take care of several medical issues that continue. There is a new POLST form out that outlines the things that can be done for life extension, things that one can have done to improve quality of life (not necessarily for extension of life) and things that are just for comfort, come what may. Adapting to your capabilities is key--if it is important to you, find a way to do so. It is a tough shift from being able to do most of anything you think of doing to having to plan tasks out in smaller chunks of activity or in getting someone else to do them. My husband has a multitude of conditions that are ganging up on us, and we have started doing free enrichment activities here and there, in addition to buying him a motorized chair, and that helps. He says he is happy as he is and does not want anything else done. BTW Medicare has now changed to accept therapists with masters degrees, etc. Much better than the PA at the psychiatrists who just adjusted medications at every visit. For me, I found a good support group on FB and having a cohort in the same boat (dementia for him) has really helped navigation.

I am very lucky. Physically I am very healthy. I am crippled by mental illness and the treatments I have received. Resilience is a quality of good mental health. Something I currently lack.

I wish you peace and good health.