I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On

Very very sorry about the difficulties.

In 1982, I was a violent crime victim. I was kidnapped and held for a time.

Within a year, I developed PTSD and extremely severe insomnia.

I spent several years sleeping only an hour or two per night.

That destroyed my physical and emotional health.

By 1983 and into 1984, I was profoundly suicidal. I held a bottle of pills to my mouth and a knife to my wrist, many, many, many times. Really, it is a miracle I am alive.

In the past 40 years, what I have found for myself, is that however dark the wave of depression gets, it also eventually passes. And if I just "hunker down" and wait it out, some better light will show.

I have been in those places where you see exactly zero hope...just utterly none.

I now know that the darkness is a kind of illusion. And if, say, I catch better sleep or some period of better physical health, the dark thoughts are just less. So, I no longer believe in the "validity" of dark thoughts. I just think it is bad brain chemistry or some kind of physical effect.

All I can say is that I am glad I didn't take my life. I am glad I am still here.

I hope folks can find a way to want to live...

In the post above, I mentioned I have been struggling with depression since 1983 and a couple of years with profound suicidal depressions.

I will post a list of the things that have helped me get through.

Generally, taking care of regular health seems very important. I definitely do much better if I am eating well, sleeping well, and exercising a bit. That makes a big difference.

Doing something that gets me out of "my own mind" helps. So, I have done creative writing, art, other artistic endeavors. Even just singing along to some song helps. Talking to other people helps. I am much worse if I go some period of time without much interaction with others. And I don't mean talking about the issues, I mean just interacting with other people. Any kind of project or task helps. If something in the house breaks and I have to spend two hours trying to fix it...it consumes my mind and during that time, depression just does not seem to enter.

Pets definitely help.

Change helps. Breaking up the routine helps. I am mostly home bound, but, for example, I watch travel videos...some train going through the Swiss Alps or something. Better than just looking at the same four walls...again.

I've learned some cooking tricks over the years. Taking the food to a higher level never hurts. Difference between just eating and making something that is much closer to gourmet food. I mean...why not?

I've gotten into astronomy a bit. Nice to look at the night sky and know the names of a few things. We even joined a local astronomy club for awhile.

Same thing, re birding and plants. Knowing the names of the birds and plants in even just the backyard helps.

I am in Northern Jersey. In my own backyard I have seen hawks, foxes, skunks, cardinals, finches, orioles, and, of course, all the more common birds. Maybe it is not yachting in Monte Carlo, but it's better than hating every thought in my own head.

Definitely seek the joy that is available and possible and stop comparing life now to what it used to be when things were better for us. That is just punching ourselves in the head. My wife and I just found a little video of the former chef for Britain's royal family. Just fun watching the dishes they served.

One was his version of a potato skin....

Took the scooped potato...put a few shrimp in a cheese sauce in the bottom, put a poached egg on top, piped some mashed potato all around, topped it with parmesan and baked it. Looked amazing and pretty easy to make.

It's hard. Because I was a high achiever type. Ivy League, pre-med...all that kind of high achiever stuff. Not easy to come down and just enjoy the day, for no particular reason. Very hard to get my mind to "go there" and be satisfied with the simple. But that is the work I have been trying to do.

Hi,

Today was a good day. I got an increase in my hourly rate. Only $.50 but it's better than nothing.
I also asked my Dr to decrease my Zoloft dosage to 25MG and she agreed. I was ok when I first got on it about 4 years ago but it seems I have peaked. She increased my dosage to 50mg 2 months ago but I haven't felt any difference. How are you today? What were your symptoms to Zoloft?
Thanks for reaching out! It means alot.

It's easy to feel guilty for being negative, @dfb I've learned from personal experience that you can't just snap out of it, any more than anyone can just snap out of major depression or anxiety or PTSD.... It's one of the dumber things people say to someone who's going through a dark place. I spent more than 6 years in a deep dark hole, and it's not something I'm likely to forget.

I've been reading posts here for several years, and I've never heard anyone say that someone's a bad person for being negative. If it were a punishable offense, I'd have been booted out of Connect long ago. Life happens to all of us (some people say their life has always been wonderful - they're lying!).

I'm not going to tell you anything like thinking positive thoughts because you probably aren't at a place to practice such things. All I can say is 1) keep going and 2) don't worry about being negative. Some of us are very much like you.

I hope you've found it helpful to write to us. Don't worry about us being affected.

Jim

,@dfb Are you still checking in? Is there any way I can encourage you? Please let me know.

Jim

I’m still alive.

Thank you for checking in. Getting through hour by hour.

Exercised three days in a row. That helps. Depression still unremitting. Anxiety has lessened slightly.

Still feeling hopeless but no easy way to kill myself. I guess that means I’m more afraid of the pain of dying than I am of the pain of living.

You are very kind to offer to help. That alone helps.

Be well!

Hour by hour, minute by minute. That's how we do life.

When I was deeply suicidal I would set goals for staying alive. Starting out I'd promise myself to be safe for another hour. Then, safe until tomorrow. It took me a long time to get beyond that. Eventually I could commit to staying alive until an event a few weeks away. That was a big milestone for me.

But you're right, hour by hour is a start.

Jim

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I wanted to die for several years. It was there all the time, from high school into college and there after. I have been on medication since I was 28 years old for bipolar illness and still waiting for the nest ball to drop. I still have my days but what I have created for myself is a schedule that I try to stay on. Go to bed the same time every night and get up the same time every morning. Try to get some protein for breakfast. A good nights sleep does wonders. I see my therapist via zoom once a week for talk therapy and to continue to gain skills. Try not to fight this but "rather move through it". Do you see a therapist, psychiatrist?

I appreciate your support.

Yes, I have a therapist, a psych provider, and an engaged primary care professional. It took some doing but everyone is now helping me as best they can.

I have been suicidal to one degree or another since having a psychotic break at age six. Most of the time it has been a low-grade wish that my life would end. Other times it has been an urgent need to end my life. Lately, it has been terrible. Though it is improving slowly.

I grade my depression on a scale of zero to ten. Zero, no depression (has only happened a few times) to I'm dead (obviously hasn't happened yet). A week or so ago, I was a nine and a half. Today, I started as an eight (mornings are rough) and am about a six now. I find it helpful to quantify my mood. It helps give me some perspective and gives good feedback to my providers.

I agree that sleep is critical. When I don't sleep, my mood collapses quickly. I try to go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every day. Getting up is harder than going to bed. I also try to exercise every day. The worse my depression, the harder it is to keep this schedule and the more important that I do.

I am a sixty-year-old man. I have struggled with mental illness, trauma, and substance abuse my whole life. I realized, just recently, that I have never really accepted that I am sick. Despite numerous hospitalizations, years of counseling, a destroyed marriage, family, and business, and a stint in prison I've always figured I could overcome it.

I have achieved and lost so much and on some level have always blamed myself, even when doctors have told me otherwise. I think I may have finally accepted that I am sick and will need treatment for the rest of my life.

The question I wrestle with now is; can I have a life I want to live?

I figure it would be a good idea to wait until I am not so depressed before I make that decision.

Thank you for your encouragement.

May you live in peace and good health.

@dfb Glad you are still trying and fighting. You encourage many of us. Life can be so very tough, to say the least. Being thankful, even if for small things like people sharing their endurance stories or a beautiful sunny day, can help us hour by hour. Sometimes hearing that from others makes me roll my eyes because of the severe suffering. And then I do see the benefits when I try. Please hang in there. This life isn’t what was intended for us, something better is on the horizon…