Emotional aftermath following breast cancer treatment

Diagnosed in February 2021. (Stage1B) Tried Verzenio, and I could only stand it for four months before I would wake up in the middle of the night suffocating. I’m on Anastrozole. Dr. said he wants me to take it for ten. I told him I wouldn’t live that long. I have had two spinal fractures and then a rib fracture getting a breast MRI. I refuse to get any more mammograms. I’ve threatened to stop my AI several times. I get the come-to-Jesus lecture. I grieve for my life the way it was before BC. I get a Signatera test every three months to check for cancer DNA in my blood. So far three negative test results. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be done with even thinking about the possibility of BC recurrence.

Diagnosed in February 2021. (Stage1B) Tried Verzenio, and I could only stand it for four months before I would wake up in the middle of the night suffocating. I’m on Anastrozole. Dr. said he wants me to take it for ten. I told him I wouldn’t live that long. I have had two spinal fractures and then a rib fracture getting a breast MRI. I refuse to get any more mammograms. I’ve threatened to stop my AI several times. I get the come-to-Jesus lecture. I grieve for my life the way it was before BC. I get a Signatera test every three months to check for cancer DNA in my blood. So far three negative test results. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be done with even thinking about the possibility of BC recurrence.

@sharon35981 Hi Sharon, Your post resonated with me. . . "I grieve for my life the way it was before BC." I am almost 4 years cancer-free, and once-in-a-while, I still find myself aching a bit on the inside with those thoughts. . . though, it's not so much grieving, but a deep ache when I give my mind license to think on it. Sometimes, it has been helpful to give myself that time, ache for a bit, and then, move on. Other times, I have just told my heart, "Not now", and continue on. I think it's important to do both. In reality, our lives are never the same from day to day. . . we've lived the day we're presently in, and changes are happening all the time. I think having BC just brings that into view in a very real way. We are forced to see the changes, not glossing over them and moving on quickly to the next thing.

In that regard, in the not "glossing over", I've learned to be more perceptive - of emotions, of others, of myself, of my purpose, how I spend my time, and so on. It doesn't mean I never waste a day anymore (drat! that human nature still plagues us all), but I count my days differently, I think, than I did before. So, in that light, there have been good things that were born out of my BC, yet, there are still residuals. Sometimes just a good "sigh" is what's needed for those residuals (those things I can do nothing about). and helps me keep moving forward.

Before BC, we wonder if we'll ever get the disease. After BC, we wonder if it will come back. I'm trying to tell myself to live in the day, and refrain so much from thinking about the what-ifs. Doing so takes away from my today. God tells us in His Word, "So, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34). So very hard to do, but surely, a healthier way to live in body, mind, and spirit.

Life is such a balance. And BC interrupts that balance a lot. Finding a new balance, takes time. And you will get it. :). PS. Love the image you shared

You look like such a young beautiful woman, I hope you won’t let BC dim that light. There are many things to grieve in cancer, but there is much to be grateful for as well.
When my grandmother got the diagnosis, they said “we can try” and “ not much success” and she died. She just didn’t have the benefit of the treatments we have today. I remind myself that although chemo and AI aren’t a walk in the park, cancer comes with some real side effects too.
Dr. Susan Love once said there are two kinds of women “those who have breast cancer and those terrified of getting it”. I would add one more, those trying to live with the fear of recurrence and still trying to live. I find that talking here with others really does help.
@rhongirl really has some great thoughts on this. I love how she mentions not letting worry about tomorrow, steal today.
PS. Love the wrinkles pooch❣️

Thank you so much for your heartfelt letter. I nodded “yes” all throughout your thoughts. I find that forgiveness—letting go—that I got BC (February 2021) is a practice; a moment to moment thing. Hard for me to do.

And then there’s gratitude. Sigh . . . I’m a work in progress. My last three Signatera blood tests were negative.

One of my joys before BC (in 2020) was playing the piano. Yesterday I started again.

Had my knee replaced in September 21 and hip in December 23. The dog is my service dog. Something else to be grateful for. I’m grateful for you and your wisdom. ❤️

@sharon35981 I grieved my former life, too - and at times, still do, but it's more of that ache now, and not so debilitating and cloudy as grief can sometimes be. And I began to say my thankful list out loud. It helped me to hear the truth of those words, in my own voice. Believing it began slowly, and then my mind followed suit and accepted those words as facts. 🙂

I love that you are playing the piano. I did that, too. And dogs? Hooray for you. I have a host of them. 🙂 Big hugs.

My heart goes out to you! I pray God will give you strength to get through this tough time. Sometimes I wish we could all get together for a cup of coffee, share our feelings, and support one another in person. Most people don't know what it feels like to get the cancer dx. They wonder why we still are not emotionally over it when all the treatments are done. Hugs.

Still trying to find the new me again. Since I have been stable since my last Enhertu treatment in July 2023, my Oncologist and Oncology Cardiologist think I should hold off on taking Lapatinib and Xeloda. My tumor markers ca 27.29 ca 13.5 are very low and CT & NBM scan show no progression.

I'm happy that your condition is stable! Just take one day at a time and keep that beautiful smile. You have lots of sisters here to listen and cheer for you. My MRI result came back clear. Thank God! We might not find the new us, but I'm glad I found this website. We're are here for one another and it gives me some sense of normalcy. Knowing that I'm not the only who feel this way is like finding the calmness in the chaos. Wish you all the best. Hugs.