I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On

Thank you. Weaned off of benzos and had tremendous withdrawal, what they call PAWS. Took FOUR years AFTER weaning down to nearly nothing. FOUR YEARS until the constant anxiety finally ebbed. Still have the internal tremors. Cortisol used to practically throw me out of bed, or anytime I would fall asleep. So NEVER slept during the day it was so awful to wake up with adrenaline coursing through my body. Anxiety through the roof, same as yours. Things that helped. Darth Vader breathing (engages parasympathetic nervous system vagus nerve) and magnesium to sleep. Someone on the Benzo boards recommended those. Clean eating. NO preservatives, etc. One day at a time, you can do this. Sending you light and hope. 🙏🏻

How are you doing?

I find I'm inspired by your wording:
"I find that this suffering has allowed me to care about people in a way I never did before.

Maybe if I can do something with this knowledge..."
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Don't know if you have any insights on this, but I do find solace in thoughts like yours above, and another one I just saw in a post on another topic (actually, it was a Comment posted to Anne Lamott's 2/14/2024 Washington Post Opinion piece on 'Powerlessness as a Superpower of Growing Old', something like that) - where the Commenter said/quoted Ram Dass (I have to look up that writer?/philosopher?) -

[It helps to remember...] "We're all just walking along on our journey home..." Something like that.
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My Q / request for help on this is:
These warming thoughts about our shared struggles, humanity even, are indeed heartwarming, but then I find in the actual real world that people are not recognizably open to admitting they are on the same journey.
So, the hope of sharing that central warmth and hopefulness is diminished, even bashed, by the anger, misery, isolation of so many folks you see everywhere.

Not to say that people are visibly angry (though that increasingly, and tangibly seems evident); but that we are all prone to not be vulnerable.

So, for now, the most I can do, without interrupting someone's space, is to offer a genuine smile, and eye contact, if possible. In my current location, that has been doable, and often is reciprocated, (even if one or the other is wearing a mask these days!).

But, again, I don't know that there's an answer, but how can we genuinely show someone we can SEE them, without interrupting their daily 'doings'? So far, again, a genuine smile, with the possibility of matched eye contact, and there we are.

I'm reminded of the few people along my journey through life, in many many geographies, careers, capacities, that were (healthfully) halting in their demeanor - seeming calming, genuine, present. Have you met folks like that?

It didn't mean one had to engage further, but it stuck with me so much - I think of these folks as a reminder that there are others out there, journeying along, and it can make me feel just a little less humanistically isolated. But, to be honest, if I think about it much more than that, I will recall how few are those folks that I've encountered.
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Anyone else?
I wonder @dfb whether you have experienced this?
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Kind of leaving on an open-ended note, but sincerely interested in whether and/or how others may have felt or known a genuinely warm connection from just a chance and brief encounter.
And, I suppose, if we were to go further on this - where or how do we go about finding more of those who engender this warmth? It can be quite fleeting, but - one more time - encouraging in its shared humanity.

In response to your first question; I am not well. I am profoundly depressed and am in a very dark place. My provider has restarted me on Venlafaxine believing, correctly, that I stopped it too fast.

I know have anxiety the likes of which I have never had before. I’ve not left my house for days. I usually keep a strict schedule but I’ve been frozen with fear. Supposedly the anxiety will go away as my body readjusted to the meds.

I am tired of the fight to be well and all of the ineffective treatments and side effects. I realized that I am not living for anything. I am living only to avoid suffering. That leads to the inevitable thoughts of ending my life.

Nietzsche wrote “a man with a why can stand any how”. I no longer have a why and the how is becoming intolerable.

I hate being so negative and I hope that my darkness does not effect anyone else. I am at the end of my rope. I will limit my post until I pull out of this so as to not be a negative influence.

I wish everyone peace and good health.

I am sorry to hear of your continued struggle.

Although you didn't ask, I would encourage you to continue posting & reading the support here. Being unconnected / isolating - I've been counselled - is not helpful when feeling as you describe, and which many of us can relate to.
Thinking of you.

Also, do you have a counselor/ therapist/friend to be with, vent with?

I felt the same way when I was close to your age (Im 66 now).

But, for some reason, in the last year or so, I've come to embrace what life I have left and am trying to appreciate what I do have.

Don't give up, dfb.

You don't know what tomorrow may bring.

I did have an anxiety attack -- serious enough to make me jump out of my bed before dawn feeling unable to breathe. A few seconds later (which seemed like timeless panic mode) I was able to clear my throat with some phlegm coughed out. Visiting the emergency doctor, I was told it was brought about by anxiety. 'But I am retired, I have no worries,' but I am now as I'm scared to go to bed tonight. They offered to keep me overnight under their watch, and naturally I did sleep well. But what if it came back, I asked still worried. Was Offered CBT, which I declined bc I said I know what it is and can do myself. 'It's not the same' was told, to wich I said let me try first on my own. For the fear of its possibility that I was assured to take one pill, which I kept at arm's reach. Never had another.

Over time I realized I was fretting about the loss of my four full-time effort to write over 100k words ms to come up with an understanding of obesity from a non-medical perspective. In a word, more basic pleasures such as of curiosity, pursuing one's passion/inclination and both physically and mentally playful and challenging activities and finally healthy sexuality go a long way keeping obesity rates and other diseases in national populations in control. I still apply this principle to my daily life to keep me free from health problems, mental and physical.

Anxiety I find it specially intriguing. Friends fulfill a Need for human connection that is, and had been, essential for our survival. And yet today we feel the opposite: anxiety, in situations that provide possibility of human connection. Actually it's highest among the youngest, and cellphones' promiscuous use is blamed.

But WHY Adults?
As adults we Know we all are lucky to find another fella with whom we can share some laughs, concerns, serious issues, and hobbies and sports. This is one area that I almost obsessively pursue each day -- I've planned to meet for dinner in a restaurant in a few days and attend other adult socials in libraries where potential for friendships exists. If not I move on. Life after eight decades is too precious to wait too long, right?

But you know the problem: I could be all eager but if the other person for some reason does not even wish to (or feels Anxious} about this innocuous encounter then we BOTH are doomed. But if you are a very good friend with Yourself, I guess chances are we both would be at least comfortable talking about what matters us most in our lives and connect in areas where we find each other interesting enough.

No one is perfect -- thank goodness, otherwise we would be very boring being!
While we can eat well, exercise and even do mentally taxing activities, friends fill a gap that is unique and so precious that from our Surgeon General to loneliness minister in UK and psychologists and psychiatrists everywhere keep warning us that we pay heavily in both our mental and physical health when we lack nurturing human bonds. It certainly seems to be a major factor in our drug overdose crisis.

I wish we all find our healing souls.

Hey there, I'm Lisa, 60 yrs young, ha ha I'm so sorry you've had to deal with so much, n lost so much! Wish I had the answer to help! I used to wonder how some could get so low. I no longer have to wonder! My soon-to-be ex is a bipolar narcissist! We were together 20 yrs. His mood swings n weeks of cold-shoulder made life so hard the first 19 yrs, but I stuck it out. This last yr, after I ask him to delete 2 online friends, he abandoned me n quickly took up with his ex from 30 yrs ago. She found out we were seperated n plotted to get him. As he n I had just shared the best 6 months we'd ever had, I unfortunately assumed her seduction attempt would fail. 😔 I was wrong. He succumbed n now appears to be under some sort of spell. Thinks the facts about her I've tried to tell him are false. Has his rose-colored glasses on for her, n refuses to think anything negative of her. Yet, quite the opposite with me! Even after many affairs thru the years, I've remained faithful to him, even knowing he's with her these last months. I've been so shocked n down these last 12 months 😪 and reached lows n thoughts I'd never thought possible for me. I can offer you my friendship if you'd like to talk. Can tell you that I have no idea where I'd be today if it weren't for knowing God! I hope you know God, and pray for His help. I'm not a religious fanatic, though we all probably should be! Hope you get this message, n send me a message thru here! I will try to send my phone number if your settings allow me to message you. 🙂 I'm praying for you. Hope that's ok 👍

You are NOT alone. I feel like you and contemplate how I could end it all at times. I'm on a low dosage of Zoloft but considering titration and eventually eliminating it entirely.

Been through dozens of therapists and all seem to be no help at all.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia around 20 years old and I'm now 55.
I exercise regularly and that seems to be the only method that seems to help. But some days I'm in a funk, and just can't seem to "snap" out of it. Like today which is how I ended up here.

How are you feeling today. I'm allergic to Zoloft. But I've been told it's very good for ptsd, anxiety and depression just joined just reaching out. I'm 52. Been on everything almost. .