I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On

I have received so much support on this board that I hesitate to write honestly about how I am doing. I also do not want to make anyone feel worse. I also want to be honest. So, I will try to report without influencing.

I am quite depressed. Seven on a scale of zero to ten. What that means to me is that I think about suicide all the time but am not prepared to risk making my life worse.

I am still quite anxious again, seven out ten. This is especially troubling as I have not had this kind of anxiety before.

I am not sleeping. I have no trouble falling asleep. I wake up every two hours. I never get more than two hours uninterrupted.

I do not believe my providers really know what to do. In fact my research has convinced me that no one really knows what to do. I do not believe they even know what is going on with me.

I believe the lack of sleep is feeding the anxiety and depression. I believe that very high level of medications I have been on for fifteen years are responsible for my sleep disturbances. My sleep problems started two years after being put on medication. My doctor actually said "two hours at a time is fine as long as you are getting a total of eight". My providers are trying to treat the depression with Lithium and the anxiety with Buspar. They have me taking Seroquel for sleep and it is not working. I do not intend on continuing it as it has terrible side effects. I take Benadryl for anxiety because they will not give me Ativan any more, even though they had me on three milligrams a day until I stopped it. I have requested .5 twice a day. No one is addressing the sleep disturbances. I believe that the depression and anxiety will decrease or perhaps even go away if I can get get a good nights sleep.

I do not believe the life has any intrinsic meaning. I believe that my best years are behind me. I believe that very few people would be negatively affected by my death. My friend would miss me. My mother could mourn me. My sisters would be relieved. My ex-wife would be relieved as the truth of our parting would be less likely to come out. My children have not had any knowledge of me for over ten years. Reuniting with their disgraced dad is probably not high on their list. And my ex-wife and children would get my disability income, which is actually quite substantial. So all in all my death wouldn't even be a blip in the universe.

I am trying to get a second opinion on my condition but as many of you know getting an appointment with a mental health provider is not easy, unless of course one goes to the emergency room and waits, untreated, to get into a facility. I will never go back to the emergency room. It's like going to the local jail and asking them to lock me up.

Unfortunately I do not have access to a quick and painless way to end my life. I try to follow a rule of not doing anything to make my situation worse. Given that rule, my only option is to keep trying to get well by working with the broken mental health care system.

Everyone on this board has been incredibly supportive. I want very much to post positive messages and I will continue to do so were I have something to offer. In the mean time I, like so many others will shuffle through my day hoping my life comes to an end soon.

My everyone live in good health and peace.

@dfb This is m first post, new to this site.
Your kindness to others is something I try to do as well. Your original post said so many things that are true. Some health providers mean well, for sure, but the big picture is broken. Insurance game - they rule the health world. One thing that Really stood out to me was the comment of yours that I have quoted below. For me when I had a brief reprieve from suffering only to go back to suffering it was devastating. How did that feel for you when you lost that feeling of being better only to suffer again?
“ My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years.”

@dfb This is m first post, new to this site.
Your kindness to others is something I try to do as well. Your original post said so many things that are true. Some health providers mean well, for sure, but the big picture is broken. Insurance game - they rule the health world. One thing that Really stood out to me was the comment of yours that I have quoted below. For me when I had a brief reprieve from suffering only to go back to suffering it was devastating. How did that feel for you when you lost that feeling of being better only to suffer again?
“ My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years.”

@dfb This is m first post, new to this site.
Your kindness to others is something I try to do as well. Your original post said so many things that are true. Some health providers mean well, for sure, but the big picture is broken. Insurance game - they rule the health world. One thing that Really stood out to me was the comment of yours that I have quoted below. For me when I had a brief reprieve from suffering only to go back to suffering it was devastating. How did that feel for you when you lost that feeling of being better only to suffer again?
“ My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years.”

I don’t have any clever words for you. Just know that I think the same, and understand what a struggle it is. The week of Christmas I even put a tank of Nitrogen gas in my Amazon cart. Ugh!
I guess the only thing that keeps me here is the fact I’m not done. I have books I want to read, fish I want to catch, foods I want to taste, and nature I want to explore with my dog.
Notice all of these are solitary experiences. I just am not emotionally cut out to be in a world of people. You sound like a very sensitive person too. I think we struggle more than the rest. ❤️

@sphb welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect and congratulations on your first post! This discussion “I’m Tired and Don’t Want to Go On” is a bit daunting isn’t it? You mentioned insurance and referred to dietary, exercise and meds interventions quoting another member. If you don’t mind replying, what interventions have you had experience with? We are all looking for a “reprieve from suffering”. Would you be willing to share?

Thank you for the recommendation. I will read the book. I have never had anxiety before. My issues have always been profound depression. I developed anxiety when I discontinued Venlafaxine. After three months of no sleep and relentless anxiety my provider put me back on it.

Within two days the anxiety was so great I’ve not been able to leave my house. I looked it up and surprise, surprise, starting Venlafaxine commonly causes increased anxiety for a couple of weeks. I don’t remember this from fifteen years ago, but considering I’ve never had anxiety before I hoping this is transient and will subside shortly.

I have lorazepam that I can take but that is rationed.

The worst thing for my health is I’ve not been able to go to the gym and exercise because of the crushing anxiety. I usually exercise two hours a day. I’ve not been able to work either.

I’m used to being depressed. Depression and anxiety makes me urgently suicidal. I hope this isn't a lasting condition.

May you live in peace and good health.