Unable to leave alcoholic boyfriend. Need advice.
About3y ago, I met a guy that belonged to a social/mental health club that I belong too. I just spoke to him during the activities we had at club. Once a month the club also went out dinner together . One particular evening I mentioned that I was looking for a place to live, needed to move from my Sons home. He offered to rent me a mobile home, next to his house, he mother had lived there 6 y prior, before she passed. I moved there, seemed perfect for me. We both have a love for animals. So we both being single, we started dating. It was almost 2 months, before I realized he was a severe alcoholic. Had been for 30y. never had a girlfriend. As time went on, things we ok. I cooked dinner at my house. I enjoyed company, but we both liked having our own space. He was 54y, I’m 9y older. He said he drinks due to childhood trauma and it makes him feel good. I researched everything I could find regarding alcohol addiction. I started noticing things like: he acts childish, wants to watch and talk about same movies over and over. answers my questions inappropriately. Can’t remember day to day our plans. He drank during night, I didn’t see him until 4p next day. Started sending me hateful texts around 3a, calling me awful names. then not remembering them. I quit being intimate as much. He gets angry when I change things around my house, he wants to leave it like his mother had it, with all of her things. He stopped charging me rent, with agreement I would pay for any repairs needed. No problem there. But the symptoms of his alcoholism have become very difficult for me to handle. As I posted before, he had been diagnosed with several blood clots. He was told to stop drinking alcohol or he would die. Per Drs orders, and in front of him. I was instructed to remove all alcohol from his house before he was discharged from hospital. I did. Been 8d now with no alcohol. Luckily he’s hasn’t mentioned it. Now he’s more angry, harder to get along with. I’m a retired nurse, but he says I don’t know anything. He’s under Drs care. It has become totally awful to live here! I try to ignore him. I still cook, I monitor his vital signs. A part of me hates him. But the nurse in me , feels I need to care for medical needs. I’m afraid a blood clot is going to come loose and go to his heart! I would move . But my problem, I can’t afford too. Since being here, I’ve rescued a Chihuahua and 2 cats, I already have 2 other Chihuahuas. Even if I could afford to move, no place would allow to me to have my pets. So , I make myself have sex with him, trying my best to get through each day of his alcohol /now withdraws behavior. He forgot my birthday. Christmas I gave him a gift, he says, the month went by too fast. I forgot to get you a present. I get it next week. It was a back sit up pillow I wanted. Next week will never get here. We have same income. He has No bills, property left to him by parents. I love living in country, We both feed several feral cats. So I’m stuck here. His behavior last couple days , has me wondering if he has sneaked in alcohol. If I could live here, not have to be intimate, it would be better. I have no friends, no one’s allowed out here. He doesn’t trust anyone. I’m bipolar, depressed, lonely but love caring for animals. If he should die from the medical conditions he has, I would be kick out immediately, he had 1 relative, who has nothing to do with him, but has voiced her interest in his property, he refused to sell to her. So I asked him if he would make a will or statement that would allow me to live here if anything happens to him. He refused, keeps saying, if he does, I would kill him , so I could have his property! Calls me a murderer. Thinks I am going to poison him! It’s gotten Crazy out of control out here.! We need a third neutral person to talk too. Is this something a therapist would do? I’m wondering if I should have even posted this? This is too weird for anyone .
Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.
In general, I suggest thinking about how you might exit this situation, and how to seek support.
I would start by making a list of all the types of support available to you, and then look for more. The specifics will depend on your current situation and where you live. I think you are doing the right thing by asking people for ideas. I would continue doing that. You might learn about types of support that you were not aware of.
Where I live, the county government offers a lot of services. There is also the state government, and the federal government. In some communities churches can be a resource, or they might be able to point you towards other resources for support.
There might be a role for a social worker, either from the county government, or from a hospital, in your situation.
Al-Anon is free, and you might connect with people who have ideas about types of support you can access.
Some localities offer subsidized housing, or subsidized housing specifically for senior citizens. There is often a waiting list, so it pays to be aware of the possibilities and get on the waiting list and follow up on it.
The Social Security Administration could be a source of disability income (SSDI) and also another type of supplemental income.
With SSDI there are rules about earning income. I'm not totally sure, but I think you can earn up to about $1400 per month and still receive SSDI. If you have skills as a nurse there might be a way to use those skills to get a little income. I met a semi-retired nurse who had a job in which she would visit patients at their home to follow up on them after discharge from the hospital. An employment agency might be able to find some temporary or part-time work. The same thing might be true for a home healthcare agency that provides people to help care for the elderly or people who temporarily need some help after getting out of the hospital.
Do you have any relatives or friends who could help you out? If you do, they might be more willing to help if you yourself had a plan.
It sounds like you have some big problems, but I hope that you can chip away at the problems a little bit at a time. Over time I expect that your efforts will add up.
Last, but not least, I hope you can find the resources to take care of your own health, including your mental health. That can be important. Do you have health insurance through Medicaid? The amount of support for Medicaid is another thing that can vary from state to state.
There are some great responses on this thread. I hope you can utilize them.
I’d just add that when it comes to dealing with a person who has serious alcohol and/or drug addictions…..life can be brutal. I was in that situation for 4 years. It was a nightmare. I couldn’t recall many nights going to bed without crying. My therapists encouraged me to save myself. Once the love died, I had no problem walking away. I realize your situation is rather complicated, but your own survival is paramount. Good luck with everything.
Since you don’t pay rent anymore have you been putting money away? Apply for low cost government housing in your area. I have a friend in her 70’s that got into a Section 8 apt because of her low income and she has 2 Pets. If he gets your mail probably best to get a post office mail box. Wish you luck, and hope you find a way to escape your lonely and terrible situation.
You hit on the most important factor regarding your situation. If he dies you will lose your home. Immediately! But he's not dead, so you have some time to prepare for that eventuality. Is there some nursey equivalent to "physician, heal thyself"?
If I were you I'd run as fast as I could to escape! Living with an alcoholic can rip your soul in half.
I hear you..and respect that.
But I also believe that your life is important too.
You matter. You deserve so much more.
I know it is fearful but you can do this.
Your life is at risk. Which means so are those animals.
You've gotten lots of suggestions on where to seek help , and I encourage you to take the first step. Don't look past that. One step at a time. Temporary care of the animals with a rescue even just for a day or two, while you work this out, keeps them safe and might
rescue you all to a better life.
You deserve more. You are valuable.
Sending love hugs and prayers
Fifteen years ago I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and prescribed a ridiculous level of antidepressants. As I did not have MDD, I became manic.
The resulting mania destroyed the life my wife and I had built, lead me to drinking after thirty two years of sobriety. In my drunken state I had an affair and ultimately had a complete breakdown.
To protect herself and our children my wife got away from me and took the children. In doing so she went from living a very privileged life, we were very well off, to living on public assistance and selling assets to survive. I'm not happy with how she got away, but I am grateful she did. I was sick. I had destroyed our family fortune and I was a risk to our children. By getting herself and the kids away from me she saved us all.
I'm better now and I wish she and my children were in my life but I am very thankful that nothing worse happened.
For all her faults, her instinct to protect herself and our children caused her to do what was necessary.
You situation seems like a bomb just waiting to go off. What I have learned is that when I don't make proactive decisions they end up being made for me. An alcoholic who is not sober, sober not dry, is a destructive force. The situation will not improve on its own, it will likely get worse.
I wish you peace and good health.
You Must get away. Your life will be sucked from you. You owe him nothing apart from common human decency which you have already given him. I speak from experience. Please think about it- then leave. Please arrange somewhere to go first and DO not tell him. He could become violent. You Must put yourself first.
Re my first comment, there are many charities who will look after or rehome your pets until you find somewhere. Just look on line, you will be surprised.
My spouse was an alcoholic for yrs. I always wished I’d left sooner. Counseling ( therapy) helped me. ( he refused to ever go of course)
I tried better help and Dr Ramani’s take your life back program. I’m a very empathetic person and a helper.
Counseling really helped me …to realize what I want and will accept for my life. Even if you stay, therapist can help,you with tools, ideas on how to set boundaries,
How to not feel so guilty for saying say no, etc..
I liked using better help as it was more affordable and easier to access.